FWB pretending he had feelings too, I'm so hurt.

[Stupidandashamed]

I've just called it off with a man I've been sleeping with. I really liked him to begin with and he knew that. He knew I didn't just see him as no strings sex and that there were feelings there. He even told me he felt the same. It's not just sex, we've really connected and all of that shit.

He didn't get in touch with me for a couple of weeks I made a good start dent in getting over him. I didn't contact him at all but thought about him every day. When he did finally get in touch, just for sex in hindsight, I went back and deluded myself that I could do it on my terms and won't get hurt.

Some more bullshit from him about how we're so similar, so compatible and connected but he's not in the place for a relationship but I'm so wonderful etc.

I decided today that I'd had enough of being strung along and sent him a message saying I'm putting a stop to this for good as it's hurting me, cards on the table sort of thing, but i really enjoyed our time together and wish him well.

His response "that's ok I get it's a complicated situation and I agree that's for the best. Thanks too"

I'm crushed. A very deluded part of me was hoping he'd realise he didn't want me to walk away.

Any glimmer of hope that he cared about me evaporated when I got that reply.

I feel so hurt and humiliated. There's no way I'd have held on for months if he hadn't lied out of his backside pretending he had feelings for me too.

Wanker.

Yeh but you don’t want to go contacting him for ‘closure’ honestly that’s not a good idea and never works out well you will probably feel even more upset

That is a long enough time to know someone and give them the respect and answers they deserve.

I feel really sad for you, but you need to know that you should not feel ashamed, or stupid. This person is heartless & doesn't deserve you!!

Did you have any other ties to eachother, or any mutual friends? Kids, live same area, work etc?

You sound like a kind person. You will absolutely meet someone lovely!!

He was punching above his weight?

No ties that mean we'll bump into one another no.

To be honest he wasn't punching at all, I think he's really handsome I'm just venting here anon because I'm sad 😔

You have to make your own closure because, after all, what really is he going to tell you? He’s just not feeling it. If you’d been together years then some kind of explanation would be appropriate but you’re in the very early days of something casual - he’s allowed to drift away from that. He’s telling you what you need to know with his actions. You know everything you need to know.

OP - this hurts now but there are really useful lessons here which you’ll be glad of having learnt when the dust has settled. The big one is - casual sex/FWB is for men you feel casual about. And not everyone can do FWB without falling deeper - I don’t think I could. Also, as a PP said, you handed yourself to this guy on a plate. If you want something deeper and more meaningful with a guy, it’s best not to do that. And look at a guy’s actions: they will tell you much more than what he says.

I’m sorry. I got myself into a situation like this when I was a student at Uni, 25ish years ago now. He told me on our first date that he only wanted something casual, and it was probably better I walked away now if I wanted more. I decided I could do casual, and I saw him once a week during term time when I stayed overnight in that city for Uni reasons. I fell for him fast, and I probably knew I would on that first night. He used to play along in some ways, staring into my eyes smiling after we had sex. I was convinced he felt more but for some reason wasn’t saying. Our mutual friend told me that no, she knew him, he was a big player and as she was older and wiser than me told me that plenty of men act like him. She was right. I did walk away 1yr later, for around a month. I ended up calling round to see him after a drink one night with my friend when staying at hers and he had another valentine card up aswell as the one I sent. He said he had met someone and fell for them. I left and never saw him again. He married her later that same year and had a child. It didn’t last.

I FB stalked him and also know about his life via mutual friend and he’s still the same as he was back then, mid 50’s now and no proper job, living with his mother, meanwhile I’ve got a great career. After my ex and I split I stayed single for over a decade as didn’t want to get hurt again. It’s only the last 3 months I’m seeing someone again who I really fancy so much and this time he feels the same. The father of my DC I never had that strong attraction but he adored me and after the casual guy I wanted someone who adored me. It didn’t work out of course.

Stupidandashamed

he probably blocked you in pique
as you dumped him !
as on some level he has feelings and hurt a bit

put it this way he knows you won’t text (as you dumped him) so he’s done it as he’s a bit cross !

but the thing I’ve realised is ghosting and blocking IS closure

i had a bloody year long thing like this

I am 100% clear I miss him and I want to talk with him
but I’m also 100% clear that a conversation will NEVER make me feel better - there is NOTHING he can say
and there is nothing he can say either

you are going to have to go cold turkey

Thank you all for the replies and letting me know I'm not alone and this is pretty common. I'm sorry to those of you who have dealt with similar, especially for much longer periods of time.. what a head fuck.

Blocking in pique, possible I guess. He doesn't have me blocked on Instagram (I checked 🤦🏼‍♀️) and we still follow one another on there. Maybe his ego couldn't take the fact I was removing his access to me in the capacity he wanted access to me, so losing his ability to use me for sex.

If you wanted no further contact you'd block everywhere I would've thought.

Gonna have to try and keep myself busy so I don't feel tempted to reach out. Gah.

He waited a few hours after texting me to do the blocking, I know this because I was debating with myself whether to reply or not.

Men. Bloody men.

Please delete him on social media

you are going to struggle to heal and recover if you can see what’s he’s up to
GET RID for your own sanity

The only thing you have done wrong is not realise that if you never go out together (dates/days out/socialising together) and are literally just having sex - then that's all it is.

He probably did lie to keep you in his bed, men will do that. In my experience men and women 'feel' sex completely differently - I wouldn't have sex with a guy unless I had feelings/interest & attraction for them. Ever since school days I've heard (some) men's banter about how they'd screw anything etc.

I'm not like that. I've tried FWB as I'm not really in the right place for a relationship - but guess what I caught deeper feeling and he didn't (he had a few FWB which I didn't realise) he professed his dying love for me when I finished our arrangement, all just bullshit.

If you want a relationship you have to look for guys who want to date, not just shag.
But honestly don't be embarrassed, it was a quick fling and you'll meet someone much more worthy of you and your time.

Yes, OP - many of us have been where you are now and learnt useful lessons from it. Keep yourself busy and distracted. You’ll feel better sooner that way.

So many people come on here saying that they are tempted to contact someone after it's over, and are told to block the other person. Maybe he's done the same? Or maybe he's had a bad experience with an angry ex before and thought he'd keep things easy for himself? Your seeing his actions as linked to your self-worth just looks to me like another sign that you feel bad about yourself OP.

give me a 'no strings attached' straighttalker any day of the week
I agree that this is much simpler, if that is what you want. But it still doesn't stop one or both of you developing different feelings to the other, which is always the problem, even if you've both gone in looking for something serious, too.

TBH I don't think this guy is deserving of the label "wanker".

He basically gave you very mixed messages from the start which you appeared to ignore, not want to read or hoped to change. Admitted he had feelings but didn't want anything more, tried to end it (maybe because he saw it was hurting you), failed and then finally it stopped when you ended it ? Or maybe I read something different ?

There's a difference between caring for someone and wanting a full blown committed relationship. If he told you he was up for that and strung you along then yes he's bad. But if he just did the yes I have feelings for you, I really care about you and like you but don't want a full blown committed relationship then as far as I'm concerned its on you.

I think next time someone tells you they are not ready for a relationship you need to listen to them and proceed appropriately. If a committed relationship is what you want then its better to find someone who is interested in that from the outset.

Exactly this, my sister did this she was convinced that if she continued to sleep with a guy that made it clear to her he didn’t want a relationship he would eventually ‘fall’ for her because that’s what happened with her friend and her husband she had just been sleeping with him but eventually he fell for her and that got married, so she thought the same would happen 🙄 rather than realises that’s extremely rare! 2 years of her life she wasted hanging on to every word he said convinced he secretly had feelings because he would say certain things even though his actions proved otherwise, it ended really horribly and it took her a long time to get over it but he was always very clear from the beginning he didn’t want a relationship.

I know I've been a fool to myself.

If he hadn't told me he already had feelings I wouldn't have continued, I guess I was hoping those feelings would turn into him wanting more.

In my mind having feelings for somebody is a pre cursor to having a relationship and I just can't relate to people who have feelings for one another (so mutually), have sex but want no more. It's alien to me and not within the realms of any FWB I've ever heard of.

Ofc I know about the dozens of times a woman catches feelings and the man doesn't but in this case he said that he had and that was what fueled the confusion and head fuckery.

He has an avoidant attachment style and I thought maybe in time he'd let his guard down.

Lesson learned :(

In my mind having feelings for somebody is a pre cursor to having a relationship and I just can't relate to people who have feelings for one another (so mutually), have sex but want no more

well this is the painful lesson learned
my ex had feelings for me , I know he bloody did
and yours did !l

but he couldn’t relate in the way I wanted and that was that - it made me anxious

there are so many books and podcasts about this (emotional unavailability ) and most of the time it ends in tears

But you berating yourself and giving yourself this username won’t make you feel better

right now you need lots of self care and self love

you exited this pretty sharply too
some people have YEARS of this shit

The one I was seeing was a coke head, he was live on tiktok the other week in his work van, sniffing constantly he has a really bad coke addiction. I've since stopped going on tiktok I don't even follow him but he was popping up every day and it was doing my head in. It's been a couple of weeks now since I've been on and cut all ties with him and feel so much better. He's done me a favour I started a whole health kick. Diet and exercise and healthy eating.

Think of something about him that was actually a yuck factor and focus on that. For me he shaves a bit out of his hair at the front because he has a white patch of hair. White hair would be fine.. a v shaved out his hair? Fucking stupid 😆

Hey, I was just checking in and seeing how you're doing? It's so horrible what has happened to you, I do hope you're okay.

Does he have any kids? Do you? X