Husbands behaviour

[Lucy41]

I’ve been with my husband for 22 years. In the last few years we’ve been arguing more often than usual.
I think he’s verbally abusive and has been physical a few times. During an argument he threw a glass of water over me and has hit me in the back whilst in bed on a few occasions.
He can also be very dismissive of me when I’m talking, eye roll, looking at his phone etc.
He had a friend over last week and he was talking, I contributed to the conversation and he told me to be quiet he hadn’t finished talking, I felt so humiliated he treats me like a child.
He can also be charming and nice and I end up just carrying on as usual but it’s getting me down. I don’t understand how he can be nice one day and then awful the next.

He came home from work a while ago and didn’t even say hello, asked what was for dinner when I said pasta he looked so angry and said he was sick of eating pasta (he’d had pasta at work) and stormed off. I ended up doing something else just to keep the peace and this is only one small example of his behaviour.

What do you want to do going forwards I think is what you need to think about.

It must be really hard after such a long time together and it's easy for other people to sit there and say it sounds like you need to leave.

The facts are that this is abusive behaviour and it's not okay he is doing this to you. The being nice etc can be people being coercive and controlling with their behaviour especially when twinned with the flip side of this and blaming you, gaslighting etc.

Sorry that you are experiencing this. It might be helpful to look at some Domestic Abuse charities for some support and just someone to talk to about your experiences whilst you decide how you want to proceed.

Thanks for answering unfortunately I’m not in the uk and have no family here which makes it more difficult to leave

OP this sounds dreadful. You must be worn out with being treated so poorly.
If I asked you to picture your life in 5/10 years time, how would you feel about still being with your husband?

If things don’t change I imagine I’d feel worse than I do now. A shell of my former self I imagine He never admits or apologises for any of his behaviour he downplays it completely

You're in an abusive relationship, OP.

Are you from the UK? Do you have children with him? Are there domestic abuse services in the country you're living in?

Hi I have children and I’m getting counselling every few weeks as it’s all I can afford. Due to the nice behaviour I just can’t admit I’m in an abusive relationship which of course complicates things

Google the cycle of abuse. Being nice is on it. Being nice is a tactic most, if not all, abusers use, to keep their victims hooked on them. Just like he is with you. Nice, nasty, nice, nasty. To remind you, when he's nasty, that it's worth you trying as hard as you can to please him, because Mr Nice might come out if you do.

Nice is worse than nasty, because at least nasty is honest. Nice is a manipulative lie, designed to hurt you by playing with your feelings.

Abusive relationships work in a nice/nasty cycle - that's why they're so hard to leave.

I'm not sure counselling is the way to go, if it's purpose is to make it more bearable to stay. It's not good for your children to grow up in an abusive household.

Don't talk rubbish - he hits OP.

I find that message really shocking and why a lot of women feel scared to report abuse for fear of not being believed.
i work outwith the home do 95 percent of childcare and 100 per cent of household chores. I don’t choose to hit him in anger or insult him when I’m angry because I’m not abusive!!!

Sadly you get some wallies posting on here sometimes.

Unbelievable, I like many other women are having a difficult enough time never mind someone suggesting I analyse my behaviour!!!!!

Why are you offended? Do you wish to hear nice things or do you wish to solve your problem? I'm just showing you another prespective.

I don’t think you suggesting I analyse my behaviour to be helpful!
I don’t think there’s an excuse for violence and my behaviour can’t change him !!!!!

Ignore the handmaiden, OP. Some women really hate women. You know it isn't you - you work, you do the bulk of the childcare and all the housework. He has hit you and verbally abuses you. It's him. The pasta is a smokescreen. If he doesn't fancy pasta, he can cook himself something different. Having a cock and balls doesn't render him unable to cook.

Thank you

Nobody is suggesting you have to say ‘nice things’ but what’s your point?

What are you saying?

That when a husband hits their wife, throws water at then, humiliates them and belittles them in front of other people… your suggestion is that the wife should consider whether she herself is being abusive? Because the husband works hard and might want the wife to spend more than 10 minutes preparing a meal for him?

How did you come to that conclusion?

And why isn’t he cooking the meal?

OP, I’m sorry you are in this situation. I really hope you are able to make the necessary arrangements to leave and embrace the life you deserve. I truly hope things turn out well for you 💐

Well your perspective is skewed.

The OP's husband is an abuser. You make it sound like she could solve it if only she were more of a Stepford Wife.

No. Bending over backwards to appease abusers never works.

I'm saying there are two sides of the same story. There are different types of abuse. Abuse is not only when you do something but also when you don't do. For example one of worst type of abuse is when you don't take care of your children. You don't clean them, you don't prepare food for them etc. In the case of OP it's clear to me what is happening. I understand doing home chores can be difficult because of the repeated nature and by the fact you don’t get recognition but at the same time when you compare them with proper jobs they are quite easy. If you disagree you can switch places and let the husband stay at home… Of course we don’t have the whole picture. If for example the husband doesn’t thank his wife and doesn’t show appreciation for the work done than the wife will not have motivation for cooking something good. We don’t have the whole picture. To stand by a woman only because she is a woman will not solve anything and can lead to even worse outcomes. OP should make a frank discussion with her husband. These things should be discussed. Does the husband show appreciation for the work done by his wife? And the vice versa. Very easy things to solve.

@CatalinaV you're fucking with everyone to get a response surely, cos if you're being serious you need to have a word with yourself.

You can compare neglect of a child (which yes is a catagory of abuse) to a grown adult being physically and emotionally abusive to another person (domestic abuse here). Whether she made him pasta or a three course meal is besides the bloody point. His behaviour is abusive. Not hers.

Oh come on. How do you know if the OP has a full time job or not too? And looking after children? This isn’t the 1950’s anymore when men come home and expect meat & 2 veg every evening after a hard days slogging down the mine’s. OP has said he’s physically and verbally abusive and your take on that is that there’s 2 sides to every story and she shouldn’t be cooking pasta for dinner? Unbelievable.

Hahaha, heard it all now. So now the OP is abusing her husband? Go away will you, never seen so much bullshit. Anyway pasta can be a substantive meal. OP never said what type of pasta it was, how do you think Italians cope every evening.