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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husbands behaviour

34 replies

Lucy41 · 19/02/2023 18:12

I’ve been with my husband for 22 years. In the last few years we’ve been arguing more often than usual.
I think he’s verbally abusive and has been physical a few times. During an argument he threw a glass of water over me and has hit me in the back whilst in bed on a few occasions.
He can also be very dismissive of me when I’m talking, eye roll, looking at his phone etc.
He had a friend over last week and he was talking, I contributed to the conversation and he told me to be quiet he hadn’t finished talking, I felt so humiliated he treats me like a child.
He can also be charming and nice and I end up just carrying on as usual but it’s getting me down. I don’t understand how he can be nice one day and then awful the next.

He came home from work a while ago and didn’t even say hello, asked what was for dinner when I said pasta he looked so angry and said he was sick of eating pasta (he’d had pasta at work) and stormed off. I ended up doing something else just to keep the peace and this is only one small example of his behaviour.

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 20/02/2023 06:41

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

When you realise your relationship is abusive, you leave. Abuse victims often stay in poor relationships precisely because they look to themselves to find a reason for their partner's behaviour. We are each responsible for ourselves, so if someone feels they are being abused, it is their responsibility to get themselves out of the situation. It is not their responsibility to change, in order to change the other person.

Ignore the terrible advice quoted above, @Lucy41, it doesn't matter what you've done. There are indeed 2 sides to every story, but the truth is that even if you hit him first, and jumped around in front of him shouting 'Hit me!', it was still his decision to hit you rather than walking away. It's definitely good to assess our own behaviour, but for our own good going forward, not as a way to excuse someone else.

ItchyBillco · 20/02/2023 07:47

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Get in the bin.

CatalinaV · 20/02/2023 10:11

Watchkeys · 20/02/2023 06:41

When you realise your relationship is abusive, you leave. Abuse victims often stay in poor relationships precisely because they look to themselves to find a reason for their partner's behaviour. We are each responsible for ourselves, so if someone feels they are being abused, it is their responsibility to get themselves out of the situation. It is not their responsibility to change, in order to change the other person.

Ignore the terrible advice quoted above, @Lucy41, it doesn't matter what you've done. There are indeed 2 sides to every story, but the truth is that even if you hit him first, and jumped around in front of him shouting 'Hit me!', it was still his decision to hit you rather than walking away. It's definitely good to assess our own behaviour, but for our own good going forward, not as a way to excuse someone else.

Show quote history

This is very toxic and illegal advice. You are simply saying that women can hit men but men are not allowed to hit back… Police would be very happy to hear if you have done something similar...

Monstermoomin · 20/02/2023 10:24

@CatalinaV ah yes because people who swear can't be educated 😂 get a grip.

You're the one making random accusations that OP has been abusive towards her husband. Even if OP was sitting on her arse all day (which she isn't), if someone comes home and starts verbally abusing you because of food or anything else...It. Is. Still. Abuse.

He's a grown man, he can cook for himself if he doesn't like what's been made for him.

@Lucy41 please try to ignore the stupidity of some posters accusing you of abuse. The rest of us can see this isn't the case and I hope you get the right support.

pointythings · 20/02/2023 11:15

@CatalinaV you need to work on your reading comprehension - that wasn't advice, it was a hypothetical scenario (I realise those words may be too big for you).

Watchkeys · 20/02/2023 12:06

@CatalinaV

You are simply saying that women can hit men but men are not allowed to hit back

I said nothing of the sort. I'm not here to argue, so hopefully others understood my post where you didn't.

Original poster
Lucy41 · 20/02/2023 13:06

I think a lot of people didn’t/wouldn’t understand your post

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 20/02/2023 19:39

Lucy41 · 20/02/2023 13:06

I think a lot of people didn’t/wouldn’t understand your post

Was that for me, @Lucy41?

Original poster
Lucy41 · 20/02/2023 21:34

No it’s for@CatalinaV

OP posts:
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