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Original poster

Am I being lied to AGAIN?

64 replies

wonderingharriet · 19/02/2023 09:55

Morning everyone. Last month,I caught my husband messaging another woman inappropriately.
We have two very young children so we sat down and discussed everything, neither of us want a divorce so we have been working through things. He blocked this woman the night I saw the messages of his own accord and he did it infront of me.

Trust is shaky at the moment but I had a real gut feeling that I couldn't shake so last night, I looked through his contacts and she was unblocked.

I woke him up and confronted him and he said he 'has no idea how she could have reappeared' and 'it must have been something to do with syncing'.

I've never had this problem. Also, syncing doesn't unblock someone - he's lying to me isn't he?

OP posts:

Original poster

wonderingharriet · 19/02/2023 18:59

@Choconut she's a friend of a friend of a friend - some were the normal how was your day and then others were emotional and alluded to a physical affair. @dumpling12 yup realised the whole syncing story was bull now, I think part of me wanted it to be a huge mistake and the sync thing eas true but it's just not and now reality is setting in. Yea you're right but I didn't message her to check I just went on the assumption she had blocked him. Her number was unblocked.

OP posts:

dumpling12 · 19/02/2023 19:03

@wonderingharriet did she have any other info showing like her about status / last seen?

it kind of sounds like your H thought he was blocked and then unblocked her to maybe trigger a reaction from her?

Original poster

wonderingharriet · 19/02/2023 19:06

@dumpling12 I didn't look. And no he blocked her first as I was there when he blocked her. I remember what her photo looked like and it was there while he was blocking her so I believe he blocked her first. I have no idea when she became unblocked but I just don't see what the point is going on the premise that they aren't speaking it's therefor a dead number and a huge risk to us as a family

OP posts:

perfectcolourfound · 19/02/2023 19:09

I think you have three options maybe..

Ignore your gut feelings, put a lid on your worries, carry on with life but you'll never be able to trust him and you won't know if he's back in touch with her.
Decide you don't trust him and likely never will (with good reason) and divorce him.
Give him one chance to tell you the truth, then decide on what to do next. Tell him 'I know you unblocked her, I'm not a mug. You've got one chance to tell me the full truth, or we're done'.

dumpling12 · 19/02/2023 19:11

wonderingharriet · 19/02/2023 19:06

Yes I know but I mean since then, she may have blocked him afterwards and then he unblocked to get a reaction.

sounds like he can’t quite let her go? 😕 sorry OP it’s really shit. Keeping her blocked was the least he could do!

dumpling12 · 19/02/2023 19:40

@wonderingharriet also just a thought, if you had a gut feeling to check… is that because you’d picked up on a change in him? Did he seem a bit down, perhaps because he thought she’d blocked him? I mean tbh at this point does it matter if they were talking or not? He couldn’t do the bare minimum. And it kind of suggests he’s pining after her or still thinking of her. You can’t trust what he says.

Original poster

wonderingharriet · 20/02/2023 06:54

@dumpling12 can't really put it into words, I just had a feeling. I thought we had actually been doing better. What I am about to say sounds crazy but in a weird way I wish I had seen messages because then this whole thing would make more sense because then I'd know they were actively in contact. Instead it seems he's just keeping her number for no reason whatsoever when it would be easy to just delete it off his phone

OP posts:

EarthFireAirWater · 20/02/2023 07:23

To me it sounds that he blocked her in front of you to make a point that you matter more, then unblocked to possibly explain to her that he had to cool things off as you found out and that's why he was going to lay low for a while or why he even had to end things.

She either respected his wishes and blocked him or she got pissed off with him and blocked him in anger. Your partner on the other hand seems to have either forgotten to block her again or left her unblocked on purpose in the hopes she might get in touch again after blocking him.

dumpling12 · 20/02/2023 07:39

Either way, seems like he’s clearly still thinking of her. Sorry OP, I went through something similar with my DH. Blocked OW on everything but after a while was still looking her up / clearly missing her. Even after a whole year…. Even if there was no definitive contact. Spoke volumes.

BlastedPimples · 20/02/2023 10:34

It's so hard.

It's so scary.

And your h has done this. Created this shitscape for you and your dcs. It's all on him.

You will from now on always be vigilant. Alert. Slightly anxious.

In my experience, once a cheater always a cheater.

If you divorce now it will be painful for a bit but you will eventually get peace of mind and be happy.

If you don't divorce then you face a life of constantly wondering, doubting, checking. Believe me. I've done it for 9 years. Getting divorced now.

He will plead, beg, wheedle etc. The fact is he unblocked her. He's open to her messages etc. and it will start again if not with her, then someone else. He's that kind of man.

Original poster

wonderingharriet · 20/02/2023 10:45

@dumpling12 @BlastedPimples I've definately realised that the whole syncing excuse was bullshit but if she has infact blocked him (I know it's an if) but IF she has, would that not be more of a reason to block her/delete her?

OP posts:

dumpling12 · 20/02/2023 10:54

Exactly which is why the fact he hasn’t is even more telling. He clearly doesn’t want the connection to end. However small.
It sounds more like he unblocked her to try and get her to initiate contact again or at least unblock him…

mummymeister · 20/02/2023 11:07

stop wondering about the wheres and whyfors of a relationship between two people (your partner and the OW) Whats in their minds, what their motivation is, why they did this that or the other. so what! if you find out why then what does it matter. it doesnt change the situation from your perspective does it? so many women in your situation waste their time and energy on the "why did he do it, why did she do that, what are they thinking, what are they going to do next" It doesnt matter because what does matter is what are YOU going to do about it. whats in your mind, whats your next move, how do you want to move forward. put your time and energy into this. stop trying to second guess what others are doing and start thinking about YOUR future. Its just a diversion tactic isnt it so that you dont have to actual think or deal with the shit situation in front of you. but this is not going to go away and if you spend time sorting out what you want and how you are going forward this is a much better use of your time. other peoples affairs and being involved in them sucks the energy out of you. dont be that person. he is a liar, he has lied. he got found out so he lied again and guess what? he is going to keep on lying and being a liar because that is what he is.

KettrickenSmiled · 20/02/2023 11:19

He blocked this woman the night I saw the messages of his own accord
I'm so sorry OP - but no he didn't.
He blocked them because you had found him out.
That's not of his own accord - it was a kneejerk response to being caught.

and he did it infront of me.
Performative nonsense, as you have now established that he unblocked her behind you back.

He's a selfish arse, & it's a brutal way to behave ... so ... you need to get your own brutal head on.
From now on, make every decision only from the perspective of what YOU want & what is best (or least worst) for YOU. do not attend to any declarations, promises, regrets, apologies, or justifications from him.

I felt like I had to give him another chance, especially with kids involved which is why it's blown my mind that the contact is still there!
You don't have to, & neither are your children a marital sticking plaster.
He can continue being their dad, no matter what you decide, but you do NOT have to continue being his wife.
That decision is SOLELY down to you. Please focus on that, because you need that autonomy & personal choice right now. You do not owe your H another chance unless you genuinely want to offer one.

Have a browse round ChumpLady's site.
She is an astonishing source of support, wisdom, & unfailing snark.
www.chumplady.com/about-chump-lady/

You don't need to make any immediate decisions, & you don't need to listen to a word your H says right now. If you can take a few days away with family or friends, so much the better. I am sorry he's been so cruel & selfish. Take your time, & do what's right for YOU. If that means doing nothing for a while, that's ok too. You have a lot to process, & don't need to jump any guns to please any of us posting here, ok? This is YOUR life, & you get to choose whether your H is qualified to be a part of it any longer. That is up to nobody but you.

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