I can’t do it anymore but don’t know how to get out

[i2i]

Have NC’d for this.
I don’t know where to begin but I’ll try hard not to ramble.
Been with H for 21 years, we have 2 DC who are older and no longer live at home. We emigrated to Oz 16 years ago, no other family just us. For a long time I haven’t been happy with H, he is extremely difficult to live with, I would class him as a narcissist. Everything I do is wrong, I mean literally everything. He complains about the clothes I wear, he didn’t like my baggy trousers and one day walked behind me filming me whilst we were out shopping,then stopped me to show me the video, to prove how bad I looked.He complains about my driving, my weight, I can’t remember the last time he said anything nice. He put an air tag in my car without telling me, he only came clean when I got an alert telling me I was being tracked. He said it wasn’t important, he wasn’t tracking ME, just the car in case it got stolen
Last weekend we had a clear out of the kitchen cupboards as they were full, there was a lot of out of date stuff to chuck. He was really angry telling me his I wasted all our money. Over and over he went on. He made it obvious he thinks I’m just useless ( which he does every day) and all week he has been ‘off’. I’ve asked him what’s wrong and he says ‘nothing, why do you think that’, but he doesn’t want to talk or engage with me so I know he’s stewing.
Last night I was in bed , he got in bed and said let’s watch a movie. As soon as the movie begins he starts telling me there’s food in the fridge that is going out of date, why haven’t I used it up yet, more waste. Then starts on about why is there 3 different shampoos in the bathroom. I sometimes see something a bit different so grab it. I have an infection in my leg and doctor told me to rest for 24 hours, so I couldn’t move as it was incredibly painful. He suddenly lost his shit and leant forward with his face totally twisted in rage and screamed ‘You drive me fucking nuts, you don’t care about money as I pay for it all’. The spit was coming out his mouth and he was about a foot from my face knowing I can’t move. I just checked,I have paid $7,000 since November 22 towards mortgage and household bills, so that’s shit. Then he told me that I couldn’t spend any of my money that I earn from work, without asking him first as it’s from the ‘family pot’. Just over a year ago he removed $60k from our mortgage overpayments account to buy bitcoin. When I finally clicked the money had come from there he insisted he had asked me but I’m pretty sure I would have remembered that conversation and he definitely didn’t so obviously that rule of asking first doesn’t apply to him.
Then he grabs his phone still screaming what a fucking C I was and he’s going to sleep in the spare room, and I can sleep on my own for the rest of my life. He does this so much, gets really angry and gets up close and screams and swears. It does scare me but I try not to let him see as I don’t want to give him the satisfaction. He has never actually hit me, so I have struggled to see it as abuse but I’m beginning to think it is. Sometimes if he’s extra angry and shouting I hide in the laundry room, pretending that I’m sorting washing but in truth I’m so anxious I feel sick.
He’s ignored me since last night, and I feel nothing but relief. He’s gone out, again I feel relief.
We have had big blow ups in the past and he’s said he’s never moving out of the house, if I want to go I go but he’s staying. I don’t want to do this anymore. I feel broken, like why am I so bad that despite how hard I try, he still thinks of me as being utterly worthless. I know he will go above and beyond to make my life hell if I actually try and leave. His whole life will be about making mine a living nightmare. I guess it’s that fear that’s kept me here so long and the financial worry of how will I cope. He will manage fine, he earns 5 times what I earn.
To make matters worse his Mum is coming over from UK to stay for us for a month then 2 days after she leaves, my Parents are coming home over for 3 weeks. They are in their 80’s and my Dad has already said this will be his last trip as he’s struggling health wise. I’m so scared he is going to be a total shit and spoil their holiday. Right now that’s my main fear, that he will ruin their last holiday here. I just don’t know what to do. Should I try and apologise and accept the blame for everything to smooth the waters till they have gone. Like I have read in other posts, he can switch personalities in a moment, which throws me off. He can be funny and kind and it makes me feel like Im over reacting and his behaviour isn’t abusive, it’s just him being him. I feel like I’m in a horrible maze and I can’t get out
I’m really sorry, that was long, and I think I did ramble. Thanks to anyone who’s still reading. I guess I just want to know this is abuse isn’t it. It’s not me being precious and I have a good enough reason to leave ?

I would say divorce is your best option. You should be entitled to half the house equity- which will now be £60000 down but also half his savings that hopefully hrs made off bitcoin. If your name is on the mortgage, he would of had to forge your signature to get the £60000, but if it is in his name I'd be tempted to stop paying it.
Would moving back home be an option or would you want to stay in Oz for the DC? Perhaps visit your parents rather than them coming to you?

Jeez love, run, he's a monster.
I'm not overstating. He's a literal beast.
Yes it's abuse, horrible abuse.

Are your parents supportive?
Could you see about renting a wee holiday home with them when they come over for that month. Use that time to see a solicitor.
Or even, prewarn them everything that's going on and ask them to help you pack and leave. Could you potentially go back to the UK with them?

Either way, get away from this horrid bully. I'm guessing your kids don't like him either? Would they help you get away?

We have a joint mortgage, but I never signed anything. Do you think I was supposed to. I just assumed that as the money had been overpaid he could just take it out .
I have just come back from a month in UK with them. During our last big argument my Mum suggested that I rent somewhere close by, where I can still go to work. I looked into renting but he pulled out all the stops to be lovely and tell me how much he loves me, and I believed him because I wanted to. Now renting is almost out of the question, there is a massive shortage of rentals and people are offering twice what is being asked. I can’t compete with that. I miss my family so much and loved spending that month with them but my home is here, esp with my DC being here. My DS works away and is gone a lot, DD lives close by with her BF. I would never burden them with this shit, DD is struggling herself. I felt relief when someone else saw that he was abusive, I really doubt myself a lot. I used to be strong and independent before I met him, now I can’t make a single decision on my own. He’s never let me decide anything as he knows what’s what and I’ll just get it wrong, and now I believe he’s right and I will just fuck it up.
When he went out tonight he took the car, I realised there are a few reusable shopping bags in the boot. I admit I have quite a few as I still forget to take them in to the shops. I felt my heart sink as I’m sure despite the fact he’s ignoring me he’ll come in to the bedroom to
shout about all the bags in the boot, and how I’ve got mental problems and need to see someone about it. I spend every day waiting for him to kick off about something it seems :(

With bitcoin being as it is I doubt very much he has made a great profit. He hides his money from me, I have no idea how much he has in savings, he keeps his finances very secret from me, always has done. That should have been my first red flag

Could you look into renting a room in a home? Or a caravan on a site even? At least until the divorce is over and you get what your owed.

*you're

Yes . Much as I hate the idea of being the one to move out, I think I’m going to have to look at renting a room in someone’s house if I can. I still really don’t want to ruin my parents holiday so I’m hoping I can swallow my disgust for him, try and make it up with him, so things are ok while they are here. I can use the next couple of months with an eye out for anyone who might be willing to rent me a room. I would want to just sell the house and we take half each but I absolutely know he’ll fight tooth and nail against it. I’d toyed with the idea of me moving to the spare room on a permanent basis after family have gone, until we can sort everything out but my life would be impossible. That would only work if we were both sensible adults, but he’s not. I need to look at seeing a solicitor after they’ve gone, it will give me a chance to save up. I need to know where I stand. He will make the sale of the house as difficult as he can. He will not agree to
it. I need to know if I can force him to sell

Don't suppose you can trick him into selling. Eg: suggest moving somewhere he's always wanted to move. Then as soon as the sale of the house goes through, pull out of the new place. Sneaky but, just a thought lol.

Personally i would move to the spare room and try to live separate lives. Just make sure to put a lock on that door. And be out as much as possible.

There's a site called 'spareroom' in the UK. There will be similar there. Where you can look for rooms to rent. You can probably be out within the month if you'd wanted.

Life's too short to pander to dickheads.

Thank you Pink
I have FINALLY realised that it true, life is too short. I am scared at the thought of being alone, but I’ll take being alone all
day long as opposed to walking on eggshells for the rest of my life

You need to see a solicitor now - don't wait for until after your parents leave. He's stolen money from the mortgage, possibly fraudulently. He's sworn and threatened and makes you frightened in your own home and worn you down to doubt yourslef and feel unable to act independently. If it escalates or blows up whilst your parent are here you won't be ready to deal with it. He might even provoke something just get back at you. Right now, get the legal advice, start thinking about what belongings and documents you'll need and take them to work for safekeeping.

I really encourage you to consider getting a holiday home while you parents are there. Get right away from him for as long as you can get time off work. Maybe they would help towards the cost? Be honest with them that things are not going well and they will understand. And in the meantime find somewhere temporary to go to immediately after they go back.

His behaviour is totally unacceptable and being able to flip a switch between normal and aggressive, abusive behaviour indidates some serious underlying issues. He's probably always been like that and you didn't recognise it as abusive or swept it under the carpet to avoid arguments or a split. Perhaps it's getting worse now your children don't live at home so he has no reason to moderate the behaviour.

Take care of yourself OP. Every maze has an exit point eventually.

He's an abusive, gaslighting, nasty, horrible, disgusting pathetic excuse of a narcissist man.
What do you get out of being with him?
Emotional abuse quickly progresses to physical abuse, one trigger is all it takes.
You need to leave him ASAP.
This won't end well otherwise.

I hadn’t thought that he might kick things off while they were here. But this time looking at the hatred in his face it’s a possibility. I don’t understand why he’s suddenly gone on such a rampage about a few items of food that I haven’t used. That’s what I find so hard, it’s not like a cheating issue or lying. Maybe I’m on to a loser trying to understand him. I need to accept this is him. My bosses are amazing, they are super supportive and have given me days off while they are here anyway so I can spend time with them. I’ll talk to them about everything
I do have a friend who I know would let me stay for a bit, but he said if I ever left ( moved out )he’d change the locks so I couldn’t get back in. As both our names are on the mortgage I’m not sure he could do that but that’s something I’d need to check up on.

OP - your husband is profoundly abusive. What you describe is emotional and psychological abuse. I have done some work with abused women and researched the subject somewhat. Those who have experienced physical and psychological/emotional abuse often say that the latter can be as bad or worse. It might not cause life-changing injuries or kill but then your mental health has almost certainly been shot to pieces and some victims are driven to suicide. So please understand that what you’re describing is very serious abuse. And he’s probably only not hit you because he hasn’t felt the need. It’s also very common for abusers to present a very acceptable public face.

You mention that your DD is struggling. Being brought up by such a father may well have contributed. It’s not too late to show her that this is not what a good relationship looks like.

Be very careful making your get-away plans. The time of escaping and the immediate aftermath is the most dangerously time - the abuser can ramp up the violence when they sense they’re losing control. Do NOT share your plans with your DH. Women’s Aid had extremely good advice around all this: www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/the-survivors-handbook/i-want-to-leave-my-relationship-safely/

Thank you to everyone who has said this is abuse. I needed, really needed , to hear that. I was worried about posting here in case people thought I was being pathetic and it’s not that bad. Ask anyone he knows and they’d never believe he was like he is. Sure people know he can be an arse who thinks he’s always right but his general behaviour towards me, they’d never think it. I feel
total guilt about DD, I’m sure some of why she struggles is down to him. He shouts at all of us, not my DS anymore, that’s why she couldn’t wait to move out. We all lived in fear, not that he will physically hurt us, but his words are just as bad. They make you feel like you are the stupidest waste of space ever, and make you feel like you don’t deserve any say in your own life. It’s hard to explain it to people, I think they must think wtf were you doing, why didn’t you leave. I was just too afraid of his reaction and how unbearable he would make our lives. I have so much admiration for people who leave this kind of shit, but finally scared as I am, I’m ready to make that decision

OP, as others have said, he is badly abusing you. Get things under way with a solicitor (preferably one who has been recommended to you). Rent a nice holiday let or caravan for the holiday with your parents.

And don’t let him know your plans. He sounds dangerous. Best of luck in freeing yourself of him.

The only power over you he has is if you stay.

If you say 'fuck it, I'm off' there is nothing he can do. Sure he might drag out the divorce but so long as you have a job and another place to stay (and friends to fall back on if need be) then, so what? Just treat it as a waiting game and block all contact from him and deal with everything through your lawyer. Don't even tell him where your new home is.

Once you're out, the only power he has over you is what you give him. Sure the money will be a sticking point, but it'll come, provided you can support yourself in the mean time, don't let that stress you.

He can't even use the kids against you if they think he a dickhead too xD but id defo speak to them once you're out and say you eat nothing more to do with him and you're only sorry you didn't leave sooner.

And if he manages to harass you in any way, that's what the police are for.

Can you imagine the sheer joy of just leaving him a note one day like 'I've left you. My solicitor will be in touch regarding the estate'. And blocking him on everything xD and hanging out with your new flatmates in your new home, sipping a champagne and toasting to a new adventure!

(Just make sure you get out any important items and documents first somewhere safe ASAP incase he notices you are moving, and change your address with the bank ect asap once out).

Him kicking off about food = deflection ?

What has HE done ?

You deserve better
You deserve happiness
You deserve love

File for divorce

Ps: also sounds like he is gearing up to be properly awful when your parents arrive.

I'd certainly make a break for it sooner rather than later.

This is horrifying to read, he sounds absolutely vile and he is abusing you in countless different ways, do not doubt it! As others have said, you need to leave, and you also need to get legal advice re the property. Don't wait until after your parents have been, get an appointment with a solicitor now if you can. Great suggestion to get a holiday home to stay in when your parents come. As they are aware of the situstion it will be good for you to have their support. Then as soon as you can get away from him by any means possible.

So abusive. Screaming in your face.

This has happened to me for many years.

I'm out now. Big relief. You must get out too.

When you divorce he will have to disclose all financials. If he hides anything then that's breaking the law.

Please. It doesn't get better. My stbexh became physically violent. That is how it progresses. They push the boundaries further and further.

Also are you certain there is no one else on the scene?

My ex would be especially vicious when he was fucking someone else.

Pinks on to it….’the only power he has over you, is if you stay’! In one sentence this says it all. He sounds a complete and total nasty bully. A controlling bully who gets his kicks from dominating you. The act of leaving will probably be terrifying for you, but think what it will achieve. I agree the timings not great with 2 lots of family arriving, can’t offer any suggestions there, but long term remember the old saying…nothing changes if nothing changes. You deserve a life so much better than the one he is subjecting you to. Good luck.

I was thinking the same but didn't like to say it. Could be part of 'the script'. Trying to set op up for 'you drove me to cheat' excuses.

But tbh it really doesn't change anything does it? He's horrible and not someone safe for op to be around. The reason doesn't actually matter. He's always been vile. Shagging someone else would be like the sprinkles on the icing on a very big, 3 tier shit cake.

Infact, if he is cheating then hopefully he'll be less likely to harass her once she leaves.

Also, he may be planning to leave or kick op out. So better to do it first and pull the carpet out from under him.

But yeah, be prepared for the possibility of another woman showing up not long after you've gone.

God this is chilling. You need to see a solicitor. And leave. He will get worse and you've got your life to live.

He may be angry, he may be cheating but it doesn't matter. You've got a new life to look forward to. I hope you leave soon.

I hope there is someone else, with all my heart I do. When he finds out I’m leaving I’d live it if he says ‘Ah that’s good, I have someone else and I want a divorce’ sadly I don’t see that happening, not because he wouldn’t like to see the back of me but it would have to be HIS doing not mine. He has to be the puppet master, that’s how it works in his world.
I have had a look around, while he was out last night but couldn’t find any important documents. Thing is I dint really know what I’m meant to be looking for. I can get a copy of our mortgage statements, but he does all his personal banking online and I have no clue how to get a hold of that . He has password protection on everything, he mainly uses his phone not laptop or anything.
Im trying to sleep but I’m trying to work out my plans almost in steps . Things I need to do, when I can afford to do them . I regret giving in to his recent request that I pay more into the mortgage account so it can be paid off quicker. He has been earning a lot of money recently but it’s not going into the mortgage by the looks of it so where’s he putting it. Ugh I wish I’d been more involved in that side of things but he gets really angry if I see anything that I don’t understand and question it. Writing it down maybe he isn’t interested in me helping pay off the mortgage faster he just doesn’t want me having extra funds available to me in case I ever need it. I’m such a mug.
Thank you for your replies everyone. I have spoken to my DS tonight and told her what I’ve told you . She’s super supportive and if I lived closer I’d have gone to stay with her in a heartbeat, I just feel more isolated but it’s ok, it is what it is and I’m going to get on with it. Thanks once again