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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

FWB - am I paranoid?

29 replies

BatDinner · 17/02/2023 14:31

I have a FWB relationship that should work really well - the sex is fantastic.

I feel like I’m trying to police who he otherwise sees? And I have no right to do that. He has a high sex drive - and although he says he’s only sleeping with me, I don’t think that’s true.

I always insist on protection.

Do you think I should end it? How risky is this situation?

OP posts:
Bluebirdiee · 17/02/2023 14:41

Well I definitely wouldn't trust he isn't sleeping with anyone else when you have a FWB setup so definitely continue using condoms. Is he saying this to you to try convince you not to use condoms?

How would you feel if he was getting with someone else? Is it the STI risk you're scared of or jealousy that's the issue?

LaPerduta · 17/02/2023 14:41

Risky in terms of pregnancy or STDs? Or of being hurt?

Are you trying to police him because you have "caught feelings"?

Original poster
BatDinner · 17/02/2023 14:51

STD’s. I’d rather he was just straight with me, so I could judge how risky it is.

I don’t know how far he’d go. If it’s escorts etc, plus I wonder if he’s bisexual.

I don’t think it’s a case of having feelings, because I don’t think it’s jealousy - it’s a fear of getting ill.

OP posts:
NoDatingForOldMen · 17/02/2023 14:51

Did you have any discussions around being exclusive?

Original poster
BatDinner · 17/02/2023 14:53

No discussions about being exclusive. But he knows I’m paranoid about catching something. It’s more a discussion of : you need to tell me so I can make an informed choice.

OP posts:
Bluebirdiee · 17/02/2023 14:55

Is he pressuring you not to use condoms OP?

Original poster
BatDinner · 17/02/2023 14:58

No. Not pressurising. He is waiting for me to tell him to put one on each time. So I think he’s perhaps ‘trying it on’ a bit…
But as soon as he’s asked - he does it.

OP posts:
Bluebirdiee · 17/02/2023 15:01

Are you having fun? I feel like that's a main benefit of a FWB situation, some no strings attached fun. If it's filling you with anxiety because you dont trust the guy then doesn't sound like you're having a good time? There's nothing wrong with a FWB situation but if you're getting stressed about it all then are you actually getting anything out of it?

Original poster
BatDinner · 17/02/2023 15:08

When I’m with him it’s hugely fun. It’s the worry afterwards. I have a rule that I don’t contact him - and I’ve told him if he wants to go elsewhere that’s fine. But then he gets in touch - and I feel I need to grill him before we meet. And I have no guarantees that he’s telling me the truth.

OP posts:
NoDatingForOldMen · 17/02/2023 15:09

I don’t think he is doing anything wrong TBH, but you are worried end it

Original poster
BatDinner · 17/02/2023 15:18

No - he’s not doing anything wrong.

It’s whether I’m overly stressed.

I read recently about a lady who caught HIV from a quick fling. I guess the difference is we are using protection.

And if he’s having a fulfilling and varied sex life elsewhere, surely he’d see no point in getting in touch with me?

OP posts:
WidthofaLine · 17/02/2023 15:18

BatDinner · 17/02/2023 14:53

No discussions about being exclusive. But he knows I’m paranoid about catching something. It’s more a discussion of : you need to tell me so I can make an informed choice.

Well it's the truth many married women would like but you can never really trust another person fully.

He's not going to tell you the truth is he, I think you know that.

Act accordingly and find another who makes you feel safer.

Original poster
BatDinner · 17/02/2023 15:26

But in a FWB situation - is truth more likely? There are no consequences if he’s truthful. No loss of house, children etc.

He just loses a shag which he can get elsewhere?

If I saw someone else too - I’d just tell him. And I’d let him know if I thought there was any risk? Would he do the same??

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 17/02/2023 15:32

The having to be told to wear a condom would worry me. If your gut is giving you warnings trust it. I'd be worried he'd try stealth me tbh. Maybe that's an extreme but, take no chances.

Original poster
BatDinner · 17/02/2023 15:41

No, no concerns about stealthing. He works in law, so I’m sure he wouldn’t risk doing anything illegal.

I’m finding it really hard to trust my gut instinct with this one.

When I’m with him - I feel safe enough, and somewhat reassured.

It’s afterwards that my mind races…

OP posts:
WidthofaLine · 17/02/2023 15:42

You are expecting monogamy in a FWB situation, that's silly.

You are right to be concerned about your sexual health though because yes monogamy is the ideal situation for controlling your own health.

nc1013 · 17/02/2023 15:44

If I saw someone else too - I’d just tell him. And I’d let him know if I thought there was any risk? Would he do the same??

I guess it depends. I've never had a fwb but I'd presume that each other was free to sleep with other people casually without informing the other?

I'd be more inclined to agree if you were putting each other at risk but if you continue to use condoms the risk is presumably low?

I'd think casual sex with condoms is lower risk STI wise than sleeping with someone without a condom when it's apparently exclusive but you have doubts that he's only shagging you?

If you aren't comfortable with a non-exclusive arrangement using condoms because of the risk perhaps a fwb isn't they right thing for you? I could be completely wrong but if hazard a guess you're perhaps slightly more invested than you should be in a Fwb and are looking for reassurance there's no body else

Original poster
BatDinner · 17/02/2023 15:45

I’m don’t think expecting monogamy. I’m expecting to be told of any risks so I can make an informed decision. The feedback I’m getting is that he’s being monogamous. It’s whether I can believe that or not.

OP posts:
altmember · 17/02/2023 15:52

He says he's only sleeping with you, and that's about as good a reassurance as you can realistically get. If you don't trust someone you probably shouldn't be sleeping with them, that's the same whether it's Fwb or commited relationship.

Plenty of people have 'exclusive' fwb arrangements, that can work really well. Is there any particular reason you think he's lying?

Original poster
BatDinner · 17/02/2023 15:52

I really don’t think I’m invested? At least I hope not? I have a rule that I don’t contact him. And I stick to that. I don’t tell him much about my life or my thoughts or feelings. I keep it as low key as possible. I really don’t want him in my life other than sex.

OP posts:
nc1013 · 17/02/2023 15:53

BatDinner · 17/02/2023 15:45

I’m don’t think expecting monogamy. I’m expecting to be told of any risks so I can make an informed decision. The feedback I’m getting is that he’s being monogamous. It’s whether I can believe that or not.

What do you think the risk is if you're using protection?

Original poster
BatDinner · 17/02/2023 15:55

Condoms are not 100% foolproof. HPV is still a risk.

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 17/02/2023 17:20

I have an ex who, I felt fine with when with him, but something odd would happen when he left, I'd start seconď guessing things. And mostly, whether or not I trusted him. Cant say that had ever happened when I have been dating someone trustworthy. So even if its only when he isn't around - trust those impressions.

Looking back now I can see there were sorta red flags. Glad I trusted my gut. I still don't 'know for sure' there was some sort of lie being told to me. But I felt there was. So, i tryst that there was.

I think our body tells us when something is up. When someone uses trying to work a fast one on us.

Remember for a lot of men who do fwb, it's not about sex, it's about ego. These people like the idea of being wanted. They do not see the fwb as an equal, but as someone to pander to them. So they have no qualms screwing them over. Infact, if they date other people they may even get turned on by 'knowing something you don't know'. It's about power. They want to be on top. Not equal.

Pinkbonbon · 17/02/2023 17:22

*someone is trying to

Dery · 17/02/2023 18:40

I think you’re being a bit unrealistic, frankly, OP.

As someone said upthread, the best way to protect yourself is to be in a monogamous, committed relationship with someone you know is faithful to you. I’ve sometimes had casual sex in the past - including in the days when HIV infection was a death sentence (I came of age in the mid-80s) - I used condoms religiously (including in committed relationships until several months in with my now DH) but beyond that accepted that there was perhaps a very small element of risk in what I was doing.

If you’re getting very anxious between times then I think this arrangement may not be for you.