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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I’m acting like a nutcase

26 replies

7917Kj · 16/02/2023 16:57

Long story short husband of 20 years cheated and we split up have been separated for a year. At the time he told me it was all in my head I was mental, I needed help, was making things up and overeacting and needed sectioning and that he feared for his children cos I was clearly nuts …this was despite being presented with evidence. It then transpired towards the end of last year I was correct and he admitted I was right but by that point he had managed to convince me I had issues and getting the truth actually made me feel worse, confused about what was truth or lies and also that I’d been made a complete mug out of by him and this woman as we had sort of become friends for the sake of the kids by this point, he’d been with us at Christmas, made things easy for him etc.

he says that it’s completely over and I’ve said if he’s still with her/in communication with her I can’t be friends. Problem is I’ve become completely obsessed with it all again, convinced he’s speaking to her and making me look silly again. I don’t know why I can’t get over it, we aren’t together, I don’t want to be with him, I wouldn’t care if he was with anyone else at all but if it’s her I think I’d feel completely broken probably cos once again I’ve been convinced I’m mad and nothings going on.

I realise this sounds like the ramblings of a mad woman and this is what I have been told I am, I can accept whatever is said to me here I just really need some help to get over it and stop caring cos I’m exhausted feeling anxious about it and making myself look like a desperate loser in the process cos I’m sure that’s making his day.

OP posts:
Justmeandthedog1 · 16/02/2023 17:07

Why do you need to be friends with him? Friends support and care about each other, not gaslight to the point of doubting their own judgement.
You don’t need him in your life. If there ar children then contact via text or email only to arrange contact.

XmasElf10 · 16/02/2023 17:08

You can’t be friends with your ex… it’s just not possible. Stop trying.

Spottycarousel · 16/02/2023 17:08

He sounds like a typical narcissist. Definitely not someone to try and be friends with. Move on.

Original poster
7917Kj · 16/02/2023 17:12

I don’t need to be you’re right but it’s been a lot easier for all involved since I have been friendly. I also don’t think not being would stop the obsessive nature of the way I’m currently thinking. I’m fully aware we are not together anymore and it’s none of my business who he’s with but this situation which apparently I am creating (and I may well be) is making me act like a loon. Why do I care? How do I stop?

OP posts:
frozendaisy · 16/02/2023 17:36

He let you believe you were going mad whilst actually thinking the truth.
He is cruel.

So from now on OP he isn't worth your headspace.

Civil for the kids perhaps.

Anything else he can go to fuck how can you possibly want anything than bare minimum with someone who said he "feared for his kids" when the whole situation was manipulated by him.

You need to take these feelings and direct them towards utter contempt for him and everything he has stood for for the past year or so.

Think "he pursued a campaign of utter evil to section his kids mother for no reason apart from his own self preservation". He is the danger to your children. Not you.

Original poster
7917Kj · 16/02/2023 17:44

I know btw that I am a fit mother but I am catching myself thinking irrationally or behaving in ways recently regarding this situation that if I was an outsider I would certainly say wasn’t healthy. I just can’t work out why it would upset me so much if he is, all it would prove if he was and still lying about it would be what a vile person he is nothing else. I feel like I’m being cheated on all over again even though we aren’t together and I don’t want to be with him. I can’t make sense of it. I truly want to not give a shit

OP posts:
Mom2K · 16/02/2023 18:31

To be fair, it sounds like you've experienced a trauma (and you have because he has messed with your head to such an extent that you can't stop questioning things and move on from it). Of course all of us can say it's done now and put it behind you but you can't just do that if it's trauma related. You might be experiencing ptsd (I can relate as I experienced this as a result of my past marriage). It might help to have some counseling

cleanbreak2022 · 16/02/2023 18:35

My ex did this to me and I felt as you describe (and still do to some extent).

My ex would lie to me to my face, bare faced lies. So adamant he was telling the truth that I began to believe I was neurotic. One example was he was 'going away to get his head straight and deal with our separation'. Our daughter was in hospital at the time, she had an allergic reaction to penicillin and was seriously unwell. I asked him not to go and suggested he was only going to be with OW. I even text the OW and explained the situation and said I needed him not to go because I needed support.

Both vehemently denied they were going away together. She even said she was disgusted he would consider it. I was desperate for support with my sick daughter and my son. I started to doubt my own mind.

They were together, I logged into his Apple account and tracked his location, even called the restaurant they were in at the time.

The irony of thinking your sane, and being told your not, and slowly acting completely irrational was not lost on me.

I am now no contact. Child arrangements happen via his mum, I will not communicate with him. People are horrified at the way my children and I were treated. Their shock is often surprising to me, it was my norm for so long.

My advice is no contact whatsoever. It's the only way for you to float to the surface, and it is a float, you won't get there quickly. You can't get to the surface to breathe whilst he is drowning you like this.

I've now been no contact (apart from a period with emails regarding the children, which I also stopped because the gas lighting continued) for 7 months. I have absolutely zero intention of speaking with him ever again

TifT · 16/02/2023 18:56

You have to break your connection with him. No more friends and civil only. It’s the only way.

category12 · 16/02/2023 19:02

For your own mental health, you need to much reduce contact with him.

I would see if you're eligible for some counselling through the NHS or your work if they have an Employee Assistance Programme or something, or go private if you can afford to. You probably just need a bit of help to break the cycle of obsessive thoughts.

Channellingsophistication · 16/02/2023 19:03

It’s like you’re stuck, and I think it’s all part of the gaslighting and trauma caused by it.

Perhaps you need some counselling to help you work through it?

Original poster
7917Kj · 16/02/2023 20:44

It is like I’m stuck yes, I come to some sort of resolve that I am going to draw a line and accept what has been said for the sake of my own health and then wake up the next day and auto reset into trying to find evidence that it’s all another lie.

OP posts:
Original poster
7917Kj · 16/02/2023 20:48

And I think I do need counselling yes, what’s put me off is not knowing how to put it into words..cos I don’t even make sense to myself and I don’t know why I feel the way I do a year after finally separating and how to explain it. Writing it seems easier and even that sounds jumbled and confused

OP posts:
category12 · 16/02/2023 20:51

Maybe do some journalling to get it all out?

Then maybe you would find it easier to express in counselling?

WidthofaLine · 16/02/2023 21:30

Not surprising you are confused, that's what he wanted and still wants.

You must go NC with this man, arrange child visits through others, he's still manipulating you and you will never get better whilst trying to remain friends, he's still conrolling you.

He is no friend of yours.
He is an enemy.

He's made you very unwell and it does sound as though you have PTSD.

Original poster
7917Kj · 16/02/2023 21:54

Yeah he did make me very unwell but he could be being totally truthful now and I am looking for something that isn’t there cos I’m scared of being made a fool of. He keeps saying he accepts he bought this woman into our lives but I am keeping her here by keep talking about her and a situation that isn’t happening which is a fair point.

OP posts:
category12 · 16/02/2023 21:58

I don't know why you're trying to be "friends" with someone who treated you like this. Stop talking to him about this stuff.

If you have to have contact because of the children, just keep it about the children.

You're not mates, you're not getting anything healthy out of contact, you don't need to know about him, who he's fucking or his life in general, or anything about her.

WidthofaLine · 16/02/2023 22:29

He's a very unsafe person, let alone partner, this man wanted you sectioned, unforgivable behaviour, gaslighting you and creating a false reality.

Trust him at your perril.
My advice would be run and don't look back.

RoundLikeaCircle · 16/02/2023 22:54

This man is NOT your friend and never will be.

supercali77 · 17/02/2023 06:40

it's a bad idea to be actual friends with an ex anyway, at some point one or both of you want to move on and its like a mini version of breaking up all over again. At the least being friends requires indifference to the person. But especially in your case its contributing to you 'feeling like a mug' and being lied to again. You can still co parent really amicably without being friends and in regular contact. Also, I mean this gently, what he did was the worst of the worst, making you think you were going mad while betraying you...but now he's single you've no right to answers about his personal situation, nor he yours.

Honestly once you reduce contact a lot of this will go. He can't make a mug of you bevause you aren't trying to be friends, lying is a non issue because you aren't asking for information.

Jimboscott0115 · 17/02/2023 06:56

He's got in your head OP, which is what he wanted all along. You need to limit contact with him to the absolute bare minimum, not even entertain being friends with this prick. His behaviour is really odd too, he needs to just fuck off instead of hanging around his ex, he sounds a bit pathetic to be fair OP.

Once you cut contact I think things will start to get better but the sooner that hanger on gets out of your head the better.

Original poster
7917Kj · 17/02/2023 11:22

Thanks all very useful advice appreciate it

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 17/02/2023 16:32

I think that you have to realise that you are in charge here, and stop calling yourself 'mad' for having feelings. We are all capable of pushing ourselves to limits where we behave unpredictably and unpleasantly, where we get obsessed with things. Just like we are all capable of burning ourselves with fire. If I wanted to burn myself, I could achieve that within about 10 seconds, by lighting a match from the box in the kitchen, and sticking my hand in the flame. But I choose not to, because I know that my choices are what make my life good or bad. Fire will always burn me if I get too close. I don't have to change the way my relationship is with fire when I get close to it; but I can choose to stay away.

He is like fire. You can choose to distance yourself or not. The closer you get, the more it hurts.

It's up to you.

People feel anxious and stay in shit relationships because they gaslight themselves. You knew it felt bad being with him, and despite that, you stayed, to be made to feel even worse by being called 'mad'. And then you stayed even more. Because when you feel bad about something, you ignore that you feel bad, or think there's something wrong with you for feeling bad.

Stop judging your feelings. They are what they are, and if you respect them, you'll be respecting yourself. People who have the utmost respect for themselves don't suffer from horrible anxiety, because they know that if push comes to shove, they're not going to have to do anything or be anywhere unless they say so. Nothing is under duress. The person who is making you do things under duress is you.

Ghostbuster2639 · 17/02/2023 16:53

You’re not a nut case, this is betrayal trauma. You feel unsafe and your brain is desperately trying to get to the truth. But you have the truth. He’s a cheat and a liar and after that the smaller details don’t matter.

The cure is no contact. This man has severely psychologically abused you. Take your power back and cut him off for your own sake, what he’s done to you is utterly disgusting.

WidthofaLine · 17/02/2023 21:10

This man does seem to have narcissistic qualities, his lack of empathy for his cruelty, and lack of shame still seemingly wanting to be friends.

They never let go narcs, you do know that don't you ? whatever situation this is which you are in now, you do know he's still in control, this situation may suit him better, it will have advantages for him. He is a free agent but still has useful you to bring his kids up and can still get some attention when he's bored.

You won't be able to move on, ever, his popping in and out of your life, stops you from ever having a life away from him and he doesn't have to do anything for you in return.
It may help to read up about narcs and how they will keep you in their lives forever, which sounds like love but it's really not, they just want to control you forever, to own you.

You really need to be totally NC with him, read HG Tudor( he's a naricissist author) the Spheres of Influence will help you understand the ways in which they operate when not together, pulling you in hoovering you to whatever distance they require you to be at for their maximum pleasure and usefulness.