Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help dealing with useless DH

33 replies

opmsmummy · 16/02/2023 11:38

Hi everyone! Would love advice if anyone has any! Sorry it's a long one ...

My DH and I have been together for almost 10years and have a 7mo DS who we adore.

I am seriously starting to hate my DH. I am so sick of him being absolutely useless.

We both worked 9-5 until 8montbs ago when I went on maternity leave. Before my pregnancy he never helped with anything, cooking, cleaning, planning, washing - nothing! When I was pregnant I had really bad sickness which meant I could barely move and did a lot of my work from home for the first 5months, I lost 2stone whilst pregnant as it was so bad and I was so weak. He still didn't help even when I begged him. I asked him to do the dishes and he instead bought paper plates. He even complained when I didn't clean the bathroom well enough after one of my 4am vomit sessions!

He is a type 2 diabetic due to his bad diet which has now caused him to be in pain. I tried for years to feed him healthy food (which shouldn't be my responsibility as we both worked 9-5! ) and he'd eat it, then hour later order himself takeaway and pass out.

He now comes home from work, says hello to us but doesn't pick up DS, have a cigarette and lie on the couch until he falls asleep there at 8 when I'm putting DS to sleep. He only holds DS to say goodnight or if I just give DS to him to dish up DHs dinner.

He's asleep by 8pm every night which means I am then left to tidy the house, wash DSs bottles and clean up dinner. Only then can I wash my hair or god forbid sit down!!

We had so many discussions and promises before I got pregnant that he'd stop smoking, eat better, get moving and help me with the house once I was pregnant, which then turned into when baby is born , which has now turned into never. He says he is in too much pain to do much more than lay on the couch watching TV. He is so miserable and it feels like my soul has been sucked from my body whenever I'm near him. Even watching him hold DS he has a crap face on. My sympathy for his pain is gone as everytime I tried to help him it was refused and he is in pain purely because he was too lazy to change.

I have 2 babies to look after and I just think we'd be better off if I left him. He brings nothing but misery to me and makes my good days bad ones.

Any advice PLEASE 😩

OP posts:
Franxx68 · 16/02/2023 11:41

I'm really sorry OP but I can't have much sympathy because why on earth did you have a child with this man if you knew what he was like before?

DrSalome · 16/02/2023 11:41

Your post is wall to wall red flags. You're in a a horrible, awful position OP and you yourself will become ill if this carries on.Can you physically and financially leave him? It sounds like this is the best course of action for you and your baby. So sorry OP.

AnneLovesGilbert · 16/02/2023 11:43

Just get rid of him. You were breathtaking optimistic, to put it kindly, to think a man who viewed you as lesser than him and there to clean up his shit would ever step up when you had a baby.

BamBamBilla · 16/02/2023 11:44

You would be better off without him.

TheShellBeach · 16/02/2023 11:48

I think you need to put you and the baby first and leave.
Sorry you're in this situation.

Shoxfordian · 16/02/2023 11:50

Yeah you would be better off without him op

motherfudger · 16/02/2023 11:52

They never change, ever!

NotAnotherBathBomb · 16/02/2023 11:54

Before my pregnancy he never helped with anything, cooking, cleaning, planning, washing - nothing!

🤷🏽‍♀️

Gingernaut · 16/02/2023 11:55

You need to work hard and fast.

He's becoming sicker and more incapable, to the point where he may not be able to work 9am-5pm and child maintenance will be an issue.

He is a useless waste of space, who, even now, won't do anything for his health even as his life choices are impacting him (and you and your children)

Get your stuff together - bank account details, passports, birth certificates, ask around and see if anyone can help you with a place to stay - family or friends.

He's self-destructing and he'll take you and your children with him

EL8888 · 16/02/2023 11:56

Divorce. I very rarely say this and lm not being flippant. But he’s not bringing much to the party and you must be exhausted. The only positive thing l can think to say is he works but let me guess, you earn significantly more than him?! I had bad morning sickness but not as bad as yours, l remember how draining and hard it was. That was with support

My first husband talked an excellent game. So l can see how it happened. He swore he was going to do 50/50 (if not more!), use his initiative and not moan as much. He was a world class moaner e.g. wanted me to make a roast dinner from scratch with all the trimmings, then moaned that l said it was his turn to wash up. I was super cynical and never had children, until l met my 2nd husband

deeperthanallroses · 16/02/2023 11:56

I’m going to be blunt. He’s always been worse than useless as he doesn’t just do nothing but he creates labour. You can not control his diabetes for him; he is the only person who can do that and he does not want to. He has an unhealthy lifestyle and uncontrolled type 2 diabetes. He will most likely not live a long life and he will become severely disabled, quite possibly an amputee. You had a child knowing what he was like; you now owe it to your child to turn your focus onto them. Which means you need to leave as you can’t do that while being this man’s carer.

illtakeit · 16/02/2023 11:56

OK so let me get this right -It was bad from the beginning and you still went ahead and pro-create with him? Now you're asking for advice? What do you want us to tell you?

MoneyInTheBananaStand · 16/02/2023 12:00

Gingernaut · 16/02/2023 11:55

You need to work hard and fast.

He's becoming sicker and more incapable, to the point where he may not be able to work 9am-5pm and child maintenance will be an issue.

He is a useless waste of space, who, even now, won't do anything for his health even as his life choices are impacting him (and you and your children)

Get your stuff together - bank account details, passports, birth certificates, ask around and see if anyone can help you with a place to stay - family or friends.

He's self-destructing and he'll take you and your children with him

Very much this.

There will be a point in the future and probably well before your DS is independent where his poor management of his health will start to have an impact on his ability to work and bring in money.

At the moment it seems money is all he provides. As your DS grows up he will see his dad passed out on the couch while his mum runs around. Not a lesson he needs to learn particularly.

PP is correct that you have to act before his future earning capability is in doubt. He is a dead weight. You gave him chance after chance and I think you would be fair to say he had had all his chances.

dreamingbohemian · 16/02/2023 12:00

Of course you leave him. Don't you think you and your DS deserve better than this?

LavenderfortheBees · 16/02/2023 12:08

What on earth possessed you to let him be the father of your child? This isn't even a case of 20:20 hindsight because you knew exactly what he was like before you got pregnant.

Of course you must leave and as soon as possible.

Echo pp who pointed out how quickly his health will deteriorate. If you don't leave now, you may end up feeling trapped by guilt once he has disabled himself.

TomatoSandwiches · 16/02/2023 12:10

You should have left him long before having a child with this man.
You still need to leave him.

gamerchick · 16/02/2023 12:13

Id get rid of him now before you end up being his carer OP. Horrible thing to say, but this is your future.

purplecorkheart · 16/02/2023 12:16

Firstly do not have another child with him. Pregnancy and children will not change him. You need to divorce him. He is not going to get any better. His health will get worse and by the sounds of things this will happen in the short to medium term and you will become his carer.

Chooksnroses · 16/02/2023 12:26

Why is he in pain? I don't have pain caused by type 2 diabetes. You should definitely leave him.

Tillow4ever · 16/02/2023 12:26

Another one saying leave - sorry OP. You won't change him, he doesn't want to change. If he won't make changes to his lifestyle for his own health, and wouldn't even step up whilst you were pregnant and very sick, what circumstances do you think would make him step up? I can't think of any.

If you're doing all the work anyway, you might as well not have an extra person to clean up and cook for, plus potentially get a break from childcare EOW if he actually bothers to have his child.

Kick him to the kerb - the fact he'd rather buy paper plates than even wash up just 2 plates as a minimum tells you he's lazy to the bone.

Do his parents know what he's like? They should be ashamed to have raised such a lazy, misogynistic Twat.

KangarooKenny · 16/02/2023 12:28

He smokes around your child ? I’d get rid just for that.

sixfoot · 16/02/2023 12:30

Leave and / or kick him out. I don’t understand why you’d choose this man to be the father of your child, but now you have you need to deal with it, and fast.

FatSealSmugSoup · 16/02/2023 12:53

Leave.

he’s never going to get any better - but what stands out for me is that you say he sucks the joy out of your life/soul (been there!).

honestky, being a lone parent is hard - but it’s 10x easier than living with a dementor.

bussteward · 16/02/2023 12:55

LTB. No other option except a lifetime of this shit.

Sunriseinwonderland · 16/02/2023 13:03

I wouldn't worry he'll be dead in a few years smoking with diabetes, doing no exercise and eating a rubbish diet. I dread to think what his blood sugar is like.
He needn't think he will be ok because he won't.
You'll end up with a disabled man and a baby to look after.
I don't think people change personally unless something happens that makes them want to change.
I can't see what you are getting out of this relationship and why you stay, my advice would be to leave. I wouldn't want my baby being anywhere near someone else's cigarette smoke.