Help dealing with useless DH

[opmsmummy]

Hi everyone! Would love advice if anyone has any! Sorry it's a long one ...

My DH and I have been together for almost 10years and have a 7mo DS who we adore.

I am seriously starting to hate my DH. I am so sick of him being absolutely useless.

We both worked 9-5 until 8montbs ago when I went on maternity leave. Before my pregnancy he never helped with anything, cooking, cleaning, planning, washing - nothing! When I was pregnant I had really bad sickness which meant I could barely move and did a lot of my work from home for the first 5months, I lost 2stone whilst pregnant as it was so bad and I was so weak. He still didn't help even when I begged him. I asked him to do the dishes and he instead bought paper plates. He even complained when I didn't clean the bathroom well enough after one of my 4am vomit sessions!

He is a type 2 diabetic due to his bad diet which has now caused him to be in pain. I tried for years to feed him healthy food (which shouldn't be my responsibility as we both worked 9-5! ) and he'd eat it, then hour later order himself takeaway and pass out.

He now comes home from work, says hello to us but doesn't pick up DS, have a cigarette and lie on the couch until he falls asleep there at 8 when I'm putting DS to sleep. He only holds DS to say goodnight or if I just give DS to him to dish up DHs dinner.

He's asleep by 8pm every night which means I am then left to tidy the house, wash DSs bottles and clean up dinner. Only then can I wash my hair or god forbid sit down!!

We had so many discussions and promises before I got pregnant that he'd stop smoking, eat better, get moving and help me with the house once I was pregnant, which then turned into when baby is born , which has now turned into never. He says he is in too much pain to do much more than lay on the couch watching TV. He is so miserable and it feels like my soul has been sucked from my body whenever I'm near him. Even watching him hold DS he has a crap face on. My sympathy for his pain is gone as everytime I tried to help him it was refused and he is in pain purely because he was too lazy to change.

I have 2 babies to look after and I just think we'd be better off if I left him. He brings nothing but misery to me and makes my good days bad ones.

Any advice PLEASE 😩

I'm type 2 diabetic and suffer dreadfully from nerve pain - and that's with well managed diabetes. So yes it's possible to be in pain. But that's not a free pass to be lazy - I work full time, walk 12k steps a day and make sure that I eat well.

Your only choice now is to carry on enabling his laziness, or make a run for it before you become his carer. It's bleak but it's reality.

one word: leave

he won't change. and you'll be better off without a man child bringing you down further.

Yep first post nailed it. You really did stitch yourself up here op. You won’t get help ‘dealing’ with him on MN because there is no ‘dealing’ with selfish lumps of shit who have no empathy. Just see a solicitor, get your ducks in a row and leave. And make better choices in future.

Leave. His contempt for you is appalling.

I can't believe what I've just read. From today, stop doing any cooking or cleaning for him. Just focus on you and the babies.

Can you trust him to look after the babies if you go out and have some time to yourself?

Do you get on with your in-laws? Would they back you up or side with him?

I just cannot believe what a useless, selfish knob your husband is.

OP - as PP have said: you should leave. It’s unclear why you settled down with a man who expected you to do everything. It’s instructive that you tried your utmost to fix his type 2 diabetes and he sabotaged your efforts. What did you see modelled as a child, I wonder, that caused you to choose this guy? I’m guessing you have low self-esteem and/or learnt to be a rescuer.

You picked him to be the father of your child.

That's on you.

However, at this point, you can at least spare your child growing up with this example fulltime and ask him to go. He's unlikely to want to much time with him since it would require him to lift a finger at home.

I know it's too late now, but I think when you meet someone over time they will show you who they really are. And even with promises to change because of a baby, most people don't change, it's just who they are. Don't have another kid with him. And if it were me I'd be working on my way to doing it on my own.