Shit relationship… would it be better to leave?

[MumofOne28]

Hi lovely people,

I’ve been with my partner for 10 years and we have an 8 yr old. He is a good man and a good father (when he’s around). We moved from a place I was really happy in when DC was born so he could start his own business. The trouble is he puts all his time and energy in his business. The business has never been successful and I get that he is working hard to provide for us. I work full time and my job pays for the mortgage, food and he pays utility bills etc… He smokes and then has no money to do anything with us. He works 6 days a week and takes 1 week off at Christmas. We never have sex, when he’s home he falls asleep on the sofa. The town we moved to is really cliquey and it’s been a slog to make friends who aren’t all takers and I am just really sick of my life here and I feel like he’s abandoned me and our child (I know I am being really dramatic). I’m struggling to see the point of my relationship we are more like housemates than anything else.
Ive done a lot of work on myself since lockdown, sorted out childhood pain of being raised by emotionally unavailable parents and I just feel like I deserve a relationship with someone who cares for me and wants to spend time with me- I could care less whether his business is successful or not- I would be happier if he worked in supermarket if I got to see him more and felt valued by him. I’m really close to walking out, moving somewhere I would be happier and perhaps he would have more quality time with DC if we weren’t living together and he only saw her at weekends. But then appreciate life as a single parent is super hard. Ahhhhh what do I do!

Yes. Yes it would be much better for you and your dd to leave.

Please leave, this sounds miserable and you and your child deserve better.

He is a good man and a good father

In what way? What are you getting out of this relationship?

The relationship sounds dead. If there is no coming back from that, then it's time to end the relationship.

I think a more appropriate question is why would you stay.

Does he know how you feel about the business?

Is the business by any chance related to a hobby of his?

He knows that I wish he was at home more but I haven’t said that I don’t care if it’s not a success or not. I do need to make that clear x

Thanks everyone. It’s good to know that it’s not just me being a drama queen. It really cannot go on like this. I’m going to try and get him to agree
to some counselling. I want to know I’ve done what I can before splitting my family up x

Yes it is!

He won’t be counselled, these types of entitled men don’t want to see counsellors so stop flogging this dead horse of a relationship. You were raised by emotionally unavailable parents and this man is out of that same mould.

You’ve already done more than enough, time to end the relationship now before your daughter and you are further get dragged down by him. You owe it to her also to teach her far better lessons about relationships than you were.

Sounds like pride is getting in the way. I think you need to be really clear with him that the business and any sort of job status isn't important to you. He might even feel like you've let him off the hook and want to give it up. I wouldn't throw in the towel until you've really made him understand your side of this.

Thank you that is really good advice xx

Good advice is not putting up with this from him any longer. If he cannot
or will not accept his business has failed its not your issue ultimately. How many more chances are you going to to give him, he has likely had more than enough already from you.

I knew it!! One of the many things I didn't realise were relatively common until I joined Mumsnet was the phenomenon of the manchild leaving his job to "set up his own business", always related to his personal hobby, which essentially means doing his hobby 80 hrs/wk, earning bugger all money at it and leaving his partner to pay the bills and take care of the grunt work of house and kids.

Looked at like that - he's not being an equal partner and there is absolutely nothing in this arrangement that benefits you in any way.

Time for a serious chat, I think.

Sounds like he has opted out of family life tbh.

Single parent life is indeed hard.
But its very fulfilling too. You know that feeling that you feel, that heavy slog of anxiety and concern over whether he will change or whether he will suddenly prioritise you or actually do something fun or bring in a better income..that heavy feeling of carrying a weight...it will be gone. Just like that.
That release is priceless.

Don't let him weigh you down. Me and exh split for much different reasons and I'm so much happier. There have been some real tough moments during single parent life but i didnt once regret my decision.
I met my now DP and I couldn't be happier.
You need someone who loves and cares for you as much as you do for them. And him doing his hobby as a business will always come before you.

Good luck!

If his "business" only brings in enough money for him to smoke cigarettes and brings nothing else to the table then it isn't a business, it is a hobby. A very time consuming hobby. You need to start to look into leaving, this isn't a relationship is it? Would you want this for your daughter? If her husband was the same as her Dad would you want that for her? No you wouldn't so don't settle for that yourself.

Yes, this is a very, very good point. Then he convinces himself he’s the victim, that nobody understands how hard he works, that his wife isn’t supporting him, and so on. If you threaten to leave, I just know he’ll play the martyr.

This is 2023. You don’t have to be in a relationship at all!! Too many people still behave as if it’s compulsory - like paying income tax or insuring your car. You should only bother if you really love the person and really, really enjoy being with them. Otherwise, what’s the point? In the past, women had no choice. They needed a man for financial and physical security. That’s all gone.

The happiest people I know (both male and female) are single or divorced.