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Original poster

Dumped, struggling with anxiety

26 replies

Sackofshit · 15/02/2023 16:11

He broke up with me via text yesterday after 4.5 years. The reason was that I went out for drinks and didn't tell him straightaway because he said he wouldn't see me if I did. Not a bad relationship, lots of love but often felt I was walking on eggshells. Not ready to talk to anyone irl yet. I just feel crushed with anxiety because of it all.

OP posts:
Ofcourseshecan · 15/02/2023 16:14

No relationship is good if you’re walking on eggshells. Dumped because you dared go out for a drink without his permission? You’re far better off without him.

Original poster
Sackofshit · 15/02/2023 16:16

Ofcourseshecan · 15/02/2023 16:14

No relationship is good if you’re walking on eggshells. Dumped because you dared go out for a drink without his permission? You’re far better off without him.

I kind of believe that but I think I'm scared of the massive change.

OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 15/02/2023 16:26

He’s done you a massive favour. Dumped because you went out without telling him? Bloody hell! Definitely well off without him when he says he wouldn’t see you!

ZaphodDent · 15/02/2023 16:49

A healthy, loving relationship does not involve anyone walking around on eggshells.

Quite possible that he'll be back in touch to see if you've learned your lesson. Stay strong and make your break to a life walking in whatever direction you want to walk without the constant anxiety of upsetting a dick head.

Watchkeys · 15/02/2023 16:54

Not a bad relationship, lots of love but often felt I was walking on eggshells

OK. Anxiety is what happens to people who don't respect their own feelings, and this is a very clear example of that. 'I walk on eggshells, but that's not bad.'

Where did you learn to dismiss your feelings in this way?

Original poster
Sackofshit · 15/02/2023 16:57

Watchkeys · 15/02/2023 16:54

Not a bad relationship, lots of love but often felt I was walking on eggshells

OK. Anxiety is what happens to people who don't respect their own feelings, and this is a very clear example of that. 'I walk on eggshells, but that's not bad.'

Where did you learn to dismiss your feelings in this way?

I don't know, I can see there were a lot of 'cons' to this relationship but like I said, the sudden massive change in my life scares me. He has blanked me for days before but not actually said it's over. My heart is pounding, I feel sick and I'm shaking. I just want the crippling anxiety to fuck off. :(

OP posts:
frozendaisy · 15/02/2023 17:17

The anxiety will start to lift if you take control of you now. Right now.

Block him OP.
Then you can start to stop wondering if he is blanking you or not.

You have lost nothing.
What he gives you isn't love it's control and bullying. That is all you have lost. Keep it that way.

Arrange another night out this weekend. You don't have to tell him a thing this time. Just think how nice that feeling will be. A night out and no fear of being blanked. Gotta be worth a try surely?

Original poster
Sackofshit · 15/02/2023 17:24

Last time I went out was December, it's not even as though I'm taking the piss. I suppose it's true that at least I won't be on edge anymore if I do choose to do it.

OP posts:
TheFretfulPorpentine · 15/02/2023 17:30

Why shouldn't you go out for drinks? Is it one of those 'relationships' where the man turns up late at night and expects you to be immediately available for sex?

Watchkeys · 15/02/2023 17:31

Have a think about how you were raised. Were your feelings listened to and respected? Did your parents listen to and respect each others' feelings?

I'm aware this seems irrelevant right now, but I've been where you are, and it matters.

Original poster
Sackofshit · 15/02/2023 17:33

TheFretfulPorpentine · 15/02/2023 17:30

Why shouldn't you go out for drinks? Is it one of those 'relationships' where the man turns up late at night and expects you to be immediately available for sex?

No, it was a serious relationship. Saw each other every day, etc. :(

OP posts:
Original poster
Sackofshit · 15/02/2023 17:35

Watchkeys · 15/02/2023 17:31

Have a think about how you were raised. Were your feelings listened to and respected? Did your parents listen to and respect each others' feelings?

I'm aware this seems irrelevant right now, but I've been where you are, and it matters.

I think my parents were generally good parents. My mum died last year and i really could do with talking to her now.

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 15/02/2023 17:39

I'm sorry about your Mum.

I wasn't really asking if they were good parents. I was asking if you felt that your feelings were respected and listened to. I felt that my parents were good parents, but they used to fall out quite a lot, and they paid a lot of attention to my brother and his supposed failings, whilst holding me up as 'the golden child'. None of these things would be regarded, from the child's position, as 'poor parenting'. It's just what life is like, when you're a kid.

I'm sure your parents loved you and did their best, but that's not the same as teaching you that your feelings are your first priority.

Pinkbonbon · 15/02/2023 17:46

I'd wonder if the 'crippling anxiety' is actually trauma bonding. You've been around someone who you've had to walk on eggshells around for so long. Meaning your mood/happiness revolved around...keeping him happy. So now he's gone, your body doesn't know what to do. There's no framework for the anxiety anymore. You're body is like 'what the fucks going on? When should I worry? When can I relax?' Ect...

He sounds horroble and you're well rid. Block him yourself and keep him blocked. Get plenty of exercise and rest as much as you can too. Trauma bonds usually take at least a few weeks of no contact to break.

You're going to be find. Just stay away from him. Do not entertain any contact from him in future. Decide its over for yourself and mean it.

Itgoesalittlesomethinglikethis · 15/02/2023 17:46

He broke up via text, what a bastard AND didn't like you going out, what a controlling ass. You can do better than that.

Focus on you, get a nice bath and listen to your favourite songs. Even better fuck you type songs, I'm a survivor, miss independent type songs.

Sorry about your mum, that must be so hard 💐

Original poster
Sackofshit · 15/02/2023 17:49

I'd wonder if the 'crippling anxiety' is actually trauma bonding. You've been around someone who you've had to walk on eggshells around for so long. Meaning your mood/happiness revolved around...keeping him happy. So now he's gone, your body doesn't know what to do. There's no framework for the anxiety anymore. You're body is like 'what the fucks going on? When should I worry? When can I relax?' Ect...

There might be something in this.

We haven't blocked each other which is fucking with me even more because he's done it before. I keep going to but ugh I'm struggling.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sackofshit · 15/02/2023 17:50

Apparently it takes half the length of the relationship to get over someone and that's really not helping me either.

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 15/02/2023 17:59

I can't say that's been my experience. You find other things to occupy your time and before you know it they are forgotten about. Besides perhaps, the annoyance that you dated such a wanker in the first place xD

Take back the power and block. Make sure you get your locks changed too btw if he had a key at any point. If he has left any stuff with you, post it back to him recorded delivery or drop it at his parents house.

I dont think this is a break up, I think this is a controlling man trying to punish you for daring to exercise your own freedoms. I'd bet he'll try to come back. Don't let him.

Watchkeys · 15/02/2023 18:00

Sackofshit · 15/02/2023 17:50

Apparently it takes half the length of the relationship to get over someone and that's really not helping me either.

Only align yourself with things that help/support you, and discard the rest.

That's what you need to do in relationships, and in all areas of life. Don't look externally for things to inform you about how will will/should feel. Focus on your feelings themselves, and how to make them better.

It doesn't matter if it's been commonly said that that's the amount of time it takes to get over a relationship. You are not the average human being in an average situation with an average amount of experience of an average amount of things. Ever. So these sweeping statements do not necessarily apply to you.

What applies to you is that you will recover more quickly from life's knocks if you treat yourself well. And you are not currently treating yourself well. It's time to start.

Original poster
Sackofshit · 15/02/2023 18:02

Thank you all for responding, it's made me (finally) a bit teary, which I think I needed.

OP posts:
TwilightSkies · 15/02/2023 18:03

Block him. Take back control.
He has truly done you a favour, even though it may not feel that way at the moment.

gamerchick · 15/02/2023 18:09

He hasn't dumped you. He's making you suffer for your sins. So you behave going forward. No man controlling like that will give up all the work he's put in making you the way you are.

The best thing you can do is take control, block the daft twat and keep him blocked. Don't be the person who is a shell of herself.

Pinkbonbon · 15/02/2023 18:11

Think of it this way:

Option 1, take back an unhealthy relationship where you are emotionally manipulated to the point that you can't even have one night with friends without him threatening to leave you. Where he on more than one occasion has used manipulative silent treatment on you. Where he has on multiple occasions, left you, just to upset you. Or because you didn't kiss his ass and give up your own basic rights or freedoms.

Option 2. You might be sad for a while. You spend time processing your feelings, whilst also living your life. Being free, seeing friends, doing what you want when you want. Recognising that there are sad things and sad times and tough choices- but we get on with it. We carry on. We muddle through. And we find ourselves happier than we ever would have been before, once we get through it.

Sometimes we have to sit with grief and make tough choices. So we can grow. And so we can be free to live our own lives.

Bananalanacake · 15/02/2023 19:13

I don't know what you mean by,,, it's not as though I'm taking the piss,
Why think that? It would be taking the P if you had DC together and went out every night while he looked after them. But it looks like you don't have DC so you can go out every night of the week without having to check with a man. He is not your owner.
A normal man who loved you would say,. "great, you went out last night, was it fun".

Ofcourseshecan · 16/02/2023 10:02

OP, you’re getting lots of useful information here. This, for example:

I'd wonder if the 'crippling anxiety' is actually trauma bonding. You've been around someone who you've had to walk on eggshells around for so long. Meaning your mood/happiness revolved around...keeping him happy. So now he's gone, your body doesn't know what to do. There's no framework for the anxiety anymore. Your body is like 'what the fucks going on? When should I worry? When can I relax?'

That looks very likely, to me.

It’s a dreadful relationship,. He’s nice to you sometimes in order to keep you guessing. As long as you’re anxious and unsure of yourself, he’s got power over you. This awful life has become familiar, so it seems like normality to you now. Your username Sackofshit suggests very low self-esteem.

When you’ve left him, blocked and deleted all contact with him, you will start to recover. It may be hard at first because freedom has become unfamiliar. But soon you will wonder why you put up with him for so long.