Valentines after cheating

[sweetsuzie]

Really has no meaning, right? For me the relationship is just functional in terms of bringing up kids together and not miserable one bit as this what I want to be doing. But any notion of romantic love is gone. That’s not to say out sex life is dead. Not at all, just the love has evolved into something different, borderline indifferent, as in I have sympathy but no great empathy etc.

So I got him a card with a short message and some chocolates and a signing and he got me shit hot expensive bouquet with a lovely card. All I know is that I’m glad I’m me and not the one that’s screwed around. There ain’t no present, nothing that changes someone’s stupidity and past actions. And when they want to play and truly do well at families guess what, their partner only ever semi-wants them. It’s the price of it I guess.

As said before no regrets just wondering how people are coping today with these demonstrations of love from cheating husbands.

If you were aware he cheated but you continued the relationship anyway, I'm not sure you get to keep raising this issue. A relationship that 'survives' cheating needs to be worked on, but if you feel that it's dead in the water then you have to end it.

I was surprised to read that you were giving each other valentine's presents give what the dreary picture you painted of the relationship.

How am I coping on valentine's day after heating? Amazingly. I left him and I'm with someone else now 👍

You clearly don't love him any more. It's radiating from every word. In person, I imagine your anger and scorn is strong enough to strip the skin off his face.

To be clear, I don't blame you at all!

I just don't understand why you're still together when you seem to despise him?

is this 'getting them through their A levels' staying together, or 'raising children from toddlers' staying together?

Because if it's the former, fine. If it's the latter, you'd be mad to stay.

We're currently reconciling after my DH's affair last year. I'd say my experience is the complete opposite in that we never used to acknowledge Valentine's Day, but this year we both made cards with meaningful messages.

It doesn't sound like you really want to reconcile (no judgement from me there!) or maybe your husband hasn't really put in 'the work' to make that truly possible. I just know that we're reconciling out of choice, I'd be perfectly fine on my own, and if we're going to do this then we both have to be fully invested.

Just to say the relationship works 100% but days like this are triggering for sure. Also I did not ask for judgement as to what I should do, it’s literally how do people get through days like this. I know and own my choices and they are just as reasonable as leaving a relationship, neither is ideal, just like the cheating.

D Day was around this time last year so not great memories tbh. Ever since all the big occasions have felt inauthentic. We’re separating now, a whole year wasted in denial.
I don’t think long term affairs are ever recoverable from, if you actually want to live an authentic life and not one where you’re pretending. Spent months trying to convince myself DH loved me because he ‘chose’ me over OW.
really he was just telling me what I wanted to hear to stop the volatility and the pain whilst secretly pining after her.
the respect and trust was gone. And therefore no true love beyond the superficial. I couldn’t do it any longer.

Doesn't sound like you've forgiven him at all. I think you have to really decide if you can continue in the relationship.

How long ago was the cheating?

But any notion of romantic love is gone. That’s not to say out sex life is dead. Not at all, just the love has evolved into something different, borderline indifferent, as in I have sympathy but no great empathy etc.

Do you want to have sex with him?
I couldn't have sex with someone that I felt that way about.

Sorry to hear that @dumpling12 I guess it’s so different in every situation. Mine broke off with OW but she could not accept it as she saw it as an exit affair so had to write to me to let me know she’d been taking her pants off. More fool her. Once she saw it did not make a difference in knocking me off my perch it lost ALL power. I saw all correspondence and was in no doubt he wanted out and the sex was hardly a handful of times but to her, it made her believe she had the power and element of surprise to break up our family. Anyhow healing takes time, we are a couple of years in and get in really well but days like this are met with some scepticism and yes, no apologies to anyone that feelings come and change and that does not mean your relationship does not work. It’s just that some days you spend more time thinking 🤔 about it when forced into Valentine’s mindset. There is no one I would rather be spending the day with and that is honest truth. Do I wish it was different? Not really, I think the whole episode has made me a stronger person and more determined to live my vision of how I want life to be for me and the kids. Hubby can either appreciate seeing his kids everyday or he doesn’t have to. It’s what it is, and we both choose family, kids, comfort, convenience and occasional rant on MN to keep the balance 💬

Yes 🙌 I enjoy it too.

I do not feel like this about him everyday, just on special occasions when his knobness and duplicious life is highlighted in all its glory.

Unless the short message was 'roses are red, violets are blue, I want the dosh, car and house, you cheat, fuck you' I really wouldn't have bothered tbh.

@sweetsuzie it’s different in all circumstances. Obviously some couples manage to successfully reconcile. I think a lot has to do with the genuine feelings behind it, how it was found out.

DH got caught and then only ended it because I made him essentially. He wouldn’t have done otherwise. Plus it was long term and he did things that made it apparent he was emotionally invested.
I imagine he’ll now try and go back to her but she’s probably moved on. Who knows.

I think Valentine’s Day in general puts a lot of pressure on a situation and if there’s been an affair the situation is already fragile. I think as long as it feels true to yourselves and where you’re at as a couple that’s a good thing.

Unless the short message was 'roses are red, violets are blue, I want the dosh, car and house, you cheat, fuck you' I really wouldn't have bothered tbh. That’s quite original. The other one could say: ‘Roses are red, violets are blue, I want to look respectable in everyone’s eyes, see my kids everyday and btw I fucked up and did not know what I wanted but hell this is what I want and choose everyday, please have me, cheers, yours this time sincerely, knobhead.’

@dumpling12 you are so right. I wish you so much healing ❤️‍🩹 and love 💕

I think you have to forgive and forget or not at all. If you bring this up every time you have an argument and never let him move on however hard he tries, you'll push him away.
I don't think I'm one of those people who could put it behind me as I'm such an over thinker it would eat away at me so I'd have to walk away.
It definitely takes a strong and stable woman to bounce back and work through this so good for you.

"The other one could say: ‘Roses are red, violets are blue, I want to look respectable in everyone’s eyes, see my kids everyday and btw I fucked up and did not know what I wanted but hell this is what I want and choose everyday, please have me, cheers, yours this time sincerely, knobhead."

No mention of love for you in this ditty ? Sounds a very miserable existence.

"For me the relationship is just functional in terms of bringing up kids together and not miserable one bit as this what I want to be doing."

As long as you are ok Op !

"And when they want to play and truly do well at families guess what, their partner only ever semi-wants them. It’s the price of it I guess".

Goodness, that's a lot of lemons to be sucking on. Just call it a day Op, I dread to think what effect all your toxicity is having on your children.

"so had to write to me to let me know she’d been taking her pants off. More fool her. Once she saw it did not make a difference in knocking me off my perch it lost ALL power. "

Erm, well, you come across as on the floor of the bird cage right now OP.

Really struggling today. First Valentine’s since I found explicit messages between him and his “friend” from the time we met until the time we married. This after having forgiven him for online dating messages and a meet up a few years ago, stayed on condition he told me about anything else that had happened. He didn’t. Trying to be celebratory for children. Now shut in my room crying.

This^^

I too thought I had ‘won’ over OW.

it really had more to do with him being weak and coward and too afraid to admit he wanted out, thought he could get the best of both worlds.

if they love you they don’t cheat. I think it’s that simple for me. So depends if you can have a relationship knowing that or if you’re ok with it being functional and that something is always going to be ruined or missing.

Before DH I had a serious boyfriend where I thought I had “won” I even made him ring the OH while I was there to finish it, gave him the words to cause maximum heartbreak and humiliation.

Did I win? Er no cos I never trusted him again and life became miserable, every time he was late, every time he had to go away with work etc etc

Do you and your kids a favour and bin him off before it eats you up

A lot of people just seem to carry on me being one of them, in the past not now, but various things happened.

The sad thing is I know someone thankfully without young kids, who is being abused by her 'partner' but was still contemplating what she might get from him for Valentine's 🤦‍♀️ I have been there, so I know where she is coming from, but you draw the line somewhere 🤦‍♀️

I heard of a scenario with children who are 6 or 7 and the others going in to or already in their teens, difficult times and it's also massively for financial reasons, but they say they will stay until those children are all grown up, I just couldn't do it.

OP you have asked how people cope with a very specific set of circumstances that you have placed yourself in (that most people simply aren't in) and wonder why there are posters asking why you have done so and advising you to take yourself out of that set of circumstances.

It seems that you don't really want or need advice here at all so bit puzzled by the whole thread... However,

I tried for 2 years to make it work after he cheated. It didn't work and I was hugely unhappy and distrustful. I made it work by divorcing him.

From this it comes across as though you only stayed with him to "beat" the OW.

Fuck that shit. Kids or not, I'd rather be alone than stay with a man who shagged someone else. Especially when it involves staying with someone I'd probably never forgive and life together was just one big payback to what he did.

I did the same thing. It was part of the ‘advice’ for reconciliation. Write a joint letter the to the OW showing a ‘united front’.

I feel so humiliated thinking about it now. Who were we kidding pretending we were on the same team when he’d been leading a secret double life for a year at least, and was only suddenly saying all of this to her because I was making him essentially. It wasn’t off his own back.

unsurprisingly she thought it was a load of rubbish and wasn’t remotely bothered, but she did just walk away. Which I think upset DH tbh. Of course.