Valentines after cheating

[sweetsuzie]

Really has no meaning, right? For me the relationship is just functional in terms of bringing up kids together and not miserable one bit as this what I want to be doing. But any notion of romantic love is gone. That’s not to say out sex life is dead. Not at all, just the love has evolved into something different, borderline indifferent, as in I have sympathy but no great empathy etc.

So I got him a card with a short message and some chocolates and a signing and he got me shit hot expensive bouquet with a lovely card. All I know is that I’m glad I’m me and not the one that’s screwed around. There ain’t no present, nothing that changes someone’s stupidity and past actions. And when they want to play and truly do well at families guess what, their partner only ever semi-wants them. It’s the price of it I guess.

As said before no regrets just wondering how people are coping today with these demonstrations of love from cheating husbands.

Awww OP similar situation (no DC though so easier for me). I didn’t know what to write in the card. It made me wonder why I’m still here. I gave chocolates and he gave me a lovely bouquet. I didn’t feel much. Still have a pit of sadness in my stomach.

I am not making decisions now as I have a lot going on. But I think I’ll be moving on. It will be easier for me though.

Did you consider some counselling to see how you regain trust?

Children’s first experience of romantic love comes from their parents (if that’s who they live with). It will shape their lives for good or bad. They aren’t blind, they can see the dynamic. When I see all these posts of ‘it’s for the children’, I wonder if that’s really what they want their children to see. Whether it’s a ‘model’ relationship, whether indiscretions should be put up with, whether one parent gets to do anything they want and the other goes along with it and not so quietly resents it, balances of finance/household/childcare. Sounds like you both love your children and want them to be happy, but would this be the kind of relationship you’d be happy with if your children were in one?

I feel sad for you OP, I hope you find peace.

This is sad to read OP. I don't know what I'd do in your situation.

My husband and I both forgot it was Valentines Day and it was only when we went walking into Morrisons this morning - and saw all the flowers - did we say "happy valentines" to each other. Rarely bother with card or presents for each other because usually we've both forgotten!

I feel like quite often the ‘staying for the kids’ trope is just fear masquerading as nobility, some kind of sacrifice for them. That’s how it was for me.
the ideal is two parents at home who love eachother, but anything less is just an arrangement and they pick up on it. Tried for a year, have seen them suffering. It was making them more insecure in the end because they could see something was wrong and yet we were pretending it was all fine. Felt like I was lying to them in the end.
I feel crap this is how it’s turned out but it was DH that blew our lives apart. But then it hadn’t been great for years so.

You sound in denial. "the relationship works 100%". Clearly it doesn't. If it was you wouldn't say: "But any notion of romantic love is gone. ". Do much damage had been done. How healthy do you think this really is? How far down the road of forgiveness are you, how much counselling have you both had. It doesn't sound balanced and loving. At all.

In the words of the Lumineers... "The opposite of love is indifference". If that's genuinely how you feel, then it probably is time to evaluate if this is really working, and what you want, or if you're just carrying on to prove the fact you think you "won" over the OW. I don't know, I'm not sure I could carry on living a lie for the sake of feeling like I have the prize, when the prize (aka cheating husband) clearly isn't all that!

Staying together for the children is a pointless hollow existence that the children won't thank you for in the long run.

Your life sounds miserable, you should split up.

VD is a load of bollocks for most couples never mind those who have had an affair. Just pointless guff.

My partner of 25 years was unfaithful 8 years ago. On the scale of infidelity it was fairly minor and I eventually made the decision to stay.

For the first 2 or 3 years I wouldn't acknowledge Valentines dayand it was triggering. In fairness all major events were like that, even though day to day life was improving

I now just get him a card, its a good excuse not to be arsed and yet still get something nice back, I consider it penance. My partner is clear that whilst I have forgiven, I will never forget.

Well good riddance to yesterday. Today I work up full of positivity and read some of the messages here that are well meaning, but I am not sure I agree.

Honestly, any guy that gets an opportunity is fairly susceptible to taking it. So going by that you leave your partner, go onto another one, but that other one is only available because he cheated on his partner and his wife kicked him out. Not that he'll tell you that. He'll probably say she's mad/ they didn't get along well. Usual dribble to make themselves look fairly good. The only ones unlikely to cheat in my opinion are the ones whose wife have found out, and who have enormous regret and feel the consequences of how shit their behaviour had been

So I figured out early on that either I stay and stick around the 'relationships' side of things. Or I kick him out only to sample some talent that features on the 'OLD boards'. Yes, we can all see how successful those are.

Or get entangled in step families and feature on the 'step kids' boards. Loads of fun that is.

OR better still get into another relationship, enjoy it for 7 years and have cheating happen again and then go back on the 'relationship' boards.

OR hang on in there, see it though for another 10 years, kids grown up, pension pot full, inheritance all tricked into the family pot, and see if I can not forgive him then. I somehow think that with the extra income and the cruises we will go on, the one off cheating would not be enough to ruin my life. No matter how shit some days may be. They do pass. Also, given he is so much older than me, I could have a wonderful wonderful life and despite this episode, we have got on so well and have so much in common. I also want to afford my kids the opportunities they deserve. No other step mummy would really spend that money and attention on them, let's be clear, they would look after their own arse.

Now to bitterness that does come and haunt the cheated on. It's still there whether you divorce, stay, move on, it's bound to hijack your life every now and then because it's trauma. Nothing more, nothing less, PTSD shite that comes. That does not make me any less happy than anyone else. Just practical and clear on where things stand. I never invited trauma, and one day I know that too will go away.

Blimey. That’s quite the picture you’re painting. Best of luck.

That’s a lot of justification for someone who claims to be secure in their decision.
I can’t say I feel the same about the least likely person to cheat is one who did and got caught.

they did it because they chose to. Not because the ‘opportunity’ presented itself. It is premeditated. Planned. Risk assessed. And then they got away with it. So it will happen again most likely. In fact stats say it is more than 350% more likely to happen again.

But maybe OP will be the exception. Best of luck OP as long as you are happy. Couldn’t do it myself.

I get it OP. You weighed up your options and took the path that was the best for you. People will always have their opinions but only you live your life. I stayed with the father of my children after finding out about his infidelity. I weighed up the options in a pragmatic way.

He is a different man now, he put in the work to change. We moved to the countryside near his family. Had another baby. Life is better now than it was before but there will always be that little doubt in the back of my mind. Or something will come along to trigger a cascade of negative thoughts about the cheating and him. That's just how it.

Honestly, any guy that gets an opportunity is fairly susceptible to taking it. So going by that you leave your partner, go onto another one, but that other one is only available because he cheated on his partner and his wife kicked him out. Not that he'll tell you that. He'll probably say she's mad/ they didn't get along well. Usual dribble to make themselves look fairly good. The only ones unlikely to cheat in my opinion are the ones whose wife have found out, and who have enormous regret and feel the consequences of how shit their behaviour had been

Wow OP.

What on earth are you teaching your kids about relationships with this mindset?

You seriously think this is the idea of what a healthy loving trusting relationship is?

Look, you wanna stay, good for you. But some of the shit you are spouting is ridiculous. Please do not paint men like this! Stop normalising cheating! 'most' men don't actually cheat! You have a very toxic outlook on relationships, and sorry but your posts come across grossly smug for being able to keep your family together and not being on OLD/Step kids/Relationship boards.

Respect OP. Life is not perfect and your decision to stay is one that many make. However you need to put the bitterness away for it to work long term.

Well yes decide to stay fine, but don’t be delusional about the fact it will more than likely happen again or be derisive about people who have decided to leave after infidelity as if staying is somehow morally superior.

as I said the extreme justification belies a lot of bitterness and denial. And I’ve been there. I mean, the reality is ridiculously painful.

People in love don't have affairs. It will never be the same again. Don't be a door mat. LTB x 1000.

Your approach may be pragmatic but it’s filled with such bitterness that I’m not sure how anyone in your family - including yourself - is going to thrive in these circumstances….

I completely understand this OP.

“Now to bitterness that does come and haunt the cheated on. It's still there whether you divorce, stay, move on, it's bound to hijack your life every now and then because it's trauma. Nothing more, nothing less, PTSD shite that comes. That does not make me any less happy than anyone else. Just practical and clear on where things stand. I never invited trauma, and one day I know that too will go away.”

Well done. I know exactly how you feel.

I’m in a similar situation OP.
I’m still weighing my options but what you said was exactly what I thought as well. So glad that I’m not the only one.
it’s all good for other people to judge when they have not been in the same situation, feeling the same bitterness.

I didn’t get him anyway, why would I?
He gave me a card, addressed to our DHs and me. And some chocolate. At least that made my DHs happy so that’s good enough for me.

Guys just reporting that the dreadful ptsd triggered by valentines is over and how lovely life is when this does not feature on the menu. Yippie do! When the trigger goes off it’s like a bloody Earthquake but when it’s gone, it’s truly gone, no feeling for the things of the past. I know that there will be a day when I don’t get triggered anymore and that day can not come soon enough. At the minute I average 7-8 weeks sometimes longer. But whatever does not break us makes us stronger. I am hugely thankful for the learning experience and an insight into things I never thought I would have to go through or understand. Wishing all of you a wonderful week ahead.

Oh @sweetsuzie your posts read like a cycle of justifications, convincing yourself that you've done the right thing to stay with him.

I'm not saying you haven't done the right thing, just that you don't sound convinced.

And some of your reasonsing is flawed IMO. All men don't cheat - fact. Not even most men. It's a flawed logic to say 'I'll stay with this one I know has cheated on me, because if I find another they'll only do the same'. In any event, I'd rather have no man than one who's cheated on me.

Valentines Day clearly brought to the surface a load of (perfectly understandable feelings for you. If you are clear you want to stay with him, would some (sole) therapy help?

Thanks for the post @perfectcolourfound

yes if u read the post in the traumatised stage it sounds awful.

But when the trauma clears it’s clear blue skies, it’s epic and wonderful and in the past where it belongs and no, I don’t need to convince myself of anything for like 340 days a year. Time is a healer and no therapy could take away ptsd aftershocks, if it could I would happily have signed up.