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Original poster

Is this cheating?

57 replies

Aliceinunderland · 14/02/2023 14:20

I've been with my DP for 2.5 years. We live together, no children between us. I asked for a break in January this year because he kept looking at my phone and distrusting me based on nothing at all. For my part, I withdrew into myself and became very cold with him. Anyway, we are on a break, still live together and are intimate. In my head, I suppose I just thought the break wasn't really a break because everything just carried on as normal.
Well it's all come to light that he has been on tinder and talking to other women. One in particular he has made loose arrangements to meet up with. We had a huge argument on Saturday night and he left. Instead of contacting me, he messaged her. She is the innocent party here because she has no clue about any of this.
Now he says it's me he loves and wants to be with. I'm being an idiot aren't I if I stay? He said it's not cheating because we were on a break but that doesn't seem right to me when we are still having sex. My head is all over the place. Am I exaggerating? What should I do? Do I tell the woman he's messaging? Why can't I figure this out myself?

OP posts:
Particularprick · 14/02/2023 14:23

This all sounds very odd op. A break does not - to me - mean continuing to live together and have sex.

Either move past this and be with him (none of this nonsense 'break' stuff) or just break up.

The break thing was ridiculous.

Aussette · 14/02/2023 14:24

Yes, time to move on!

allthelittlelights · 14/02/2023 14:26

I think you have been sending him quite mixed messages and it's backfired.

HiccupHorrendousHaddock · 14/02/2023 14:29

He’s Ross, you’re Rachel and I claim my £5

JorisBonson · 14/02/2023 14:29

If Friends was set in 2023...

JorisBonson · 14/02/2023 14:29

HiccupHorrendousHaddock · 14/02/2023 14:29

He’s Ross, you’re Rachel and I claim my £5

Ha jinx!

2crossedout1 · 14/02/2023 14:30

No wonder you're both confused. I am too! It seems like you weren't communicating well about what you meant by being on a break.

Serpensortia · 14/02/2023 14:30

You're living together and having sex. That is not 'on a break'. How have you both confused what having a break is?

Your 'DP' thought he could have his cake and eat it. He was fairly quick off the mark to move on, not something I'd be okay with. I'd make the break a permanent thing tbh.

NicholJO · 14/02/2023 14:37

That's no break no wounder your confused he must be too you don't sleep with someone if you're on a break it's playing mind games he don't trust you . You don't trust him stop sleeping with him one of you move out get on with your life's just stop playing childish mind games

Pssspsss · 14/02/2023 14:42

Hold on… he’s pushed you to a point where you want to consider calling time on the relationship by accusing you of cheating, you say you want a break to consider whether it’s worth carrying on, yet he’s still living with you, getting his rocks off with you and ON TOP OF that he’s window shopping for his next bird and that’s allowed because you are on a break???

He is having his cake and eating it and you my dear are a massive mug!

BeachBlondey · 14/02/2023 14:50

Let me guess, your DP suggested you "have a break", thus giving himself the greenlight to message other women?

But still choosing to have sex with you because "well, you're in front of me, so why not?"

I'd get rid of him, tbh.

MermaidEyes · 14/02/2023 15:04

If you asked for a break then why would you still have sex with him? That's not being on a break. He saw an opportunity and ran with it. Tbh though, the fact he's already messaging other women after only 2 years together says he's a bit of a dick and I'd dump him.

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 14/02/2023 15:21

Anyway, we are on a break, still live together and are intimate.

What part of "on a break" do you both not understand?

mummymeister · 14/02/2023 15:26

You werent "on a break" you continued to live together and have sex. that is still being in a relationship. he just saw it as a bit of a get out of jail free card and so went off looking to see if there was someone better than you out there. is that really how you want to live your life? were you still cooking and cleaning for him? Honestly either you leave him or make an appointment for a tattoo that says mug. grown up relationships dont have a row, say they are going on a break and then continue to do everything exactly the same as always except one party sees this as carte blanche to go out on the prowl. you need to stop watching Friends its not real life you know.

Pesimistic · 14/02/2023 15:33

You'll never trust him again, time to move on.

Anon132 · 14/02/2023 15:36

Strange set up, however the fact he's already messaging and arranging to meet other women is a big red flag. On a break is time to reflect on what you both want in/from your relationship, not shop around for something else!
The fact he was so distrusting of you but then doing this with other women says maybe it was more his concience making him paranoid of what he may have been doing or thinking if doing and projecting that onto you.

Essexgal2023 · 14/02/2023 15:36

This sounds so complicated to me. No wonder your mind is frazzled. You can’t be on a break and still live together and have sex. You’ve given him mixed signals by asking him to go on a break and then sleeping together still and even saying you thought things had continued as usual and he’s been a twat speaking to others over tinder. I think you both just need to separate to be honest.

Elerandooo · 14/02/2023 15:41

The whole “break thing that wasn’t actually a break” aside, he’s shown you how much you mean to him. Knowing you’re still being intimate and living together but talking to and arranging to meet up with other women is just downright disrespectful.
I would cut your losses here and split. You’ll never trust each other- I mean, he broke your trust by going through your phone in the first place.

Itgoesalittlesomethinglikethis · 14/02/2023 15:44

Run for the hills.
Do not waste a second more on this man.

The break thing, nope, this allows him control over you. He can fuck off.

nc1013 · 14/02/2023 15:45

Whether it's technically cheating or not, he's shown you how he really feels about you. Surely that's all you need to know?

Viviennemary · 14/02/2023 15:46

From what you say you weren't really on a break. And the chatting to other women well you were meant to be on a break and he didn't actually meet any of them. But your relationship doesnt sound great tbh. Maybe its time to go your separate ways.

Firsttimemum120 · 14/02/2023 15:47

What you were doing is not a break, I moved out

WhyamIinahandcartandwherearewegoing · 14/02/2023 15:59

Can someone explain how “on a break” still means living together and shagging?

ourflagmeansdeath · 14/02/2023 16:00

This is a communication issue. You both clearly had different definitions of what a break was...although I don't get how being intimate with him and still living together is a break. Also, you can't just assume the break wasn't really a break - you should have communicated that. You're both in the wrong to be honest, but him more. Don't go back - having sex with partner and talking to another girl at the same time IS cheating, and he knew this.

qwertykeyboards · 14/02/2023 16:02

On a break… still live together….still having sex? What kind of break is that?!😂

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