Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this cheating?

57 replies

Aliceinunderland · 14/02/2023 14:20

I've been with my DP for 2.5 years. We live together, no children between us. I asked for a break in January this year because he kept looking at my phone and distrusting me based on nothing at all. For my part, I withdrew into myself and became very cold with him. Anyway, we are on a break, still live together and are intimate. In my head, I suppose I just thought the break wasn't really a break because everything just carried on as normal.
Well it's all come to light that he has been on tinder and talking to other women. One in particular he has made loose arrangements to meet up with. We had a huge argument on Saturday night and he left. Instead of contacting me, he messaged her. She is the innocent party here because she has no clue about any of this.
Now he says it's me he loves and wants to be with. I'm being an idiot aren't I if I stay? He said it's not cheating because we were on a break but that doesn't seem right to me when we are still having sex. My head is all over the place. Am I exaggerating? What should I do? Do I tell the woman he's messaging? Why can't I figure this out myself?

OP posts:
CrystalCoco · 14/02/2023 16:08

Didn't you watch Friends back in the 90s...

"WE WERE ON A BREAK"...springs to mind

Moser85 · 14/02/2023 16:19

Of course it's cheating.
He thinks he's smart and that he has a loophole to get away with what he wants to get away with...
I guarantee if you were on tinder and meeting people he'd lose the plot and say you were cheating.

There was no confusion, he just thought he could do what he wanted and use the 'get out of jail free' card later.

frozendaisy · 14/02/2023 16:28

So he didn't trust you, wanted full access to your phone.

He hooks up with someone else, they weren't as good and couldn't offer him a roof, meals, laundry and now wants to come crawling back?

You will never trust him now.
He never trusted you and wanted control of your phone.

It's a mess and no grounding for a healthy relationship.

He's gone.
Keep him gone.

Cocobutt · 14/02/2023 16:35

Raise your bar.

If this happened on a break, then fine - but you weren’t on a break.

And why are you allowing him to go through your phone!

MermaidEyes · 14/02/2023 16:42

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 14/02/2023 15:21

Anyway, we are on a break, still live together and are intimate.

What part of "on a break" do you both not understand?

Oh I think he understands 'on a break' perfectly well....he's just having his cake and eating it.

Justcallmebebes · 14/02/2023 16:42

You're still living together and having sex? That's not a break

Eastereggsboxedupready · 14/02/2023 16:50

Unless you are 15 relationships don't have breaks.

But - - break to you meant still shagging him.
For him break meant shag anyone..

emptythelitterbox · 14/02/2023 17:00

His words and actions don't match up do they.

Bookworm20 · 14/02/2023 17:08

Yes, its cheating.
Yes, he is an arsehole.

And yes, tell him to sling his hook and then he can message women on tinder to his little hearts content - as a single bloke.

He really isn't worth a second more of your time OP

Deadringer · 14/02/2023 17:08

Well he is a prick isn't he? Controlling and jealous, talking to other women and planning to meet them while you are living together and still sleeping with each other? Dump.

WhereYouLeftIt · 14/02/2023 17:13

"I asked for a break in January this year ... Anyway, we are on a break, still live together and are intimate. In my head, I suppose I just thought the break wasn't really a break because everything just carried on as normal."
I'm unclear as to what 'being on a break' means to you since you are still living together, having sex, and 'everything' as normal. It's clear that to him, being on a break meant he was a single man and could behave as such.

What were your expectation when you asked for a break in January?

Personally, I would be ending this relationship because of the original problem that "he kept looking at my phone and distrusting me based on nothing at all." As a general rule, when someone starts behaving in this way when you were giving him no reason to distrust you, it usually means that they are untrustworthy themselves. I think he was cheating on you back before January.

Cheats believe that everyone else cheats - it's how they live with themselves and their cheating. The logic seems to go that 'I'm cheating on her and she has no idea, I've no reason to think she's cheating but if I can hide my cheating from her then she could hide her cheating from me, and I'm cheating so she will be too and I'm going to go looking for proof'. It's a very twisted logic, and it's disheartening that it so often turns out that the jealous untrusting person turns out to be an untrustworthy cheater.

And of course, now he's blatantly cheating. I don't give a stuff if you were on this is-it-a-break-or-is-it-not, the fact remains that he chose to behave as if he were not in a relationship with you. He values his relationship with you (however on or off it was at that precise moment) less than the opportunity of a Tinder shag. And as I have said, I believe he was cheating on you before January.

So yes, staying in this relationship would be idiotic. Stop living together and give yourself the headspace to figure out what you want and where you're going. Give yourself a REAL break from him and you might find your thoughts have a chance to stop swirling and start making sense to you.

blackbeardsballsack · 14/02/2023 17:17

You are jointly responsible for creating such a strange, unhealthy, vague arrangement and this is one of the consequences. You should be angry at yourself, because you've put yourself in this situation. Either be in a relationship or split up and live apart.

BigFatLiar · 14/02/2023 17:21

The phone bit is unacceptable.

You asked for a break in your relationship yet you continue to sleep with him?
I'd say technically if you're on a break he can see others and if you're continuing to sleep with him more fool you.
Make up your mind. If you want a break to reassess then stop sleeping with him, better still move out.
I suspect for most 'want a break' is an excuse for not being brave enough to walk away.

Watchkeys · 14/02/2023 17:21

There are no rules. If you count it as cheating if he eats a yoghurt with someone else. You can count it as not cheating if he sleeps with them because you've told him you're busy for the afternoon.

You are the one who decides what's cheating in your eyes. If you're deferring to answers from a forum, you're looking for external validation. Validate yourself: you' don't like what he did. Deal with that, rather than working out what to call what he did.

Dery · 14/02/2023 18:17

OP - how did you imagine that being on a break would entail continuing to live together and be intimate? That makes no sense at all. Being on a break means living apart and not being intimate.

Either way, this guy is a mindfuck - you’re best off without him.

Original poster
Aliceinunderland · 14/02/2023 18:54

Thank you for all your replies. I've been reading them all and agree with a lot of what you all say.
To answer some questions, I initiated the break. I don't know what I wanted to achieve, it was my way of saying I needed a break from the constant invasions of my privacy by him going down my phone and the implications I was cheating. It has really had an affect on me because I don't think I've ever given him any reason to doubt me or my loyalty.
So I understand that the break thing was confusing. I just wanted it all to stop and our relationship to improve. The sleeping together thing happened in the last week because I thought things were getting better between us. It was literally after we had sex that I found out about him messaging another woman.

I don't know why I'm confused. He's so adamant that he hasn't cheated. It's like I'm seeing one version and he sees something completely different which makes me doubt myself. If my friend was in my position then I would tell her to leave so why can't I make the break?

OP posts:
Ludo19 · 14/02/2023 19:12

OP in my experience the one doing the accusing is usually the guilty party and projecting their actions on you.

I wouldn't be surprised if he was dabbling with online dating pre breakup and accusing you of cheating because he was on the sniff.

Tell him to get to fuck.

GoodChat · 14/02/2023 19:25

He was accusing you of cheating to give him an excuse to cheat.

gettingalifttothestation · 14/02/2023 19:45

How old are you 16 ? On a break and still carrying on the same is ridiculous

BCBird · 14/02/2023 19:48

I'm baffled how you can be on.a break and still be having sex together.

Moser85 · 14/02/2023 20:20

Aliceinunderland · 14/02/2023 18:54

Thank you for all your replies. I've been reading them all and agree with a lot of what you all say.
To answer some questions, I initiated the break. I don't know what I wanted to achieve, it was my way of saying I needed a break from the constant invasions of my privacy by him going down my phone and the implications I was cheating. It has really had an affect on me because I don't think I've ever given him any reason to doubt me or my loyalty.
So I understand that the break thing was confusing. I just wanted it all to stop and our relationship to improve. The sleeping together thing happened in the last week because I thought things were getting better between us. It was literally after we had sex that I found out about him messaging another woman.

I don't know why I'm confused. He's so adamant that he hasn't cheated. It's like I'm seeing one version and he sees something completely different which makes me doubt myself. If my friend was in my position then I would tell her to leave so why can't I make the break?

You KNOW he would 100% see it as cheating if you were the one who did it.

It doesn't matter if the rules of a break aren't clear or if there were no rules at all.
If you believe you're on a break but still want/hope to make your relationship work then you DO NOT get involved with other people, because then all you can offer the other person is a tainted relationship.

The 'break' was for him to cop on and think about his behaviour and for you to get a break from his shit, and he decided yay let's have some fun with other women.

Watchkeys · 14/02/2023 20:25

I don't know why I'm confused. He's so adamant that he hasn't cheated. It's like I'm seeing one version and he sees something completely different which makes me doubt myself

You just disagree. It's no more complicated than that. Would you feel confused and doubt yourself if you didn't like broccoli, but he told you it was nice? It's the same thing: he thinks something is fine, you don't like it. There's no textbook to tell us what's right or wrong in life (except laws) We make our own rules about what's ok for us and what isn't. Unless you want other people deciding where your boundaries are, start respecting them yourself. You don't like this, so whatever he thinks of it is irrelevant.

Serpensortia · 16/02/2023 13:29

The wrong person has been phone snooping. Bet you any money he's been cheating. He's judging you by his own standards.

WidthofaLine · 16/02/2023 15:13

You've been manipulated.

Dery · 16/02/2023 16:26

@Watchkeys has nailed it. You asked for a break (which should have meant time apart) but matters were confused because you both continued with relationship-type activities. But he’s a mindfuck - you’re best off without him.