Too upset to see children

Goawayangryman · 14/02/2023 00:52

No. It's not a thing. It's a shit dad thing. You're absolutely right to be disbelieving of that kind of explanation.

MillicentTrilbyHiggins · 14/02/2023 00:57

What a dick. If he saw them regularly it wouldn't be upsetting.

My ex did the same when he first left. Fucked off and didn't see the DC for weeks because it made him sad. It made them sad too but clearly that didn't matter.

3487642l · 14/02/2023 07:46

Sadly he's not mature enough to act like a decent parent.

That's a loss for your children and for you. I'm sorry.

Hoardasurass · 14/02/2023 08:09

@SpinningFloppa yes its a thing shitty but men claim as an excuse for their crap behaviour and parenting. I know this because it's the explanation that my dd was given by her dad for not seeing her for 16 years (along with the usual "your mum" bs) I can honestly tell you that it went down with her aswell as her asking him why he forced me to put a lean on his house for the 75 grand in back child support and when he was planning on paying what he owed 🤣
Before I get slated the money only came up because of her university funding application and she then read all the court docs a few years later (she wanted all of the information before she tried to find him and was over 21)

Cigarettesaftersex1 · 14/02/2023 09:06

(I blamed myself for him not seeing them even though I knew 100% it wasn’t my fault but I kept thinking maybe I should have been more willing to let him take advantage!)

What does this mean?

Original poster

SpinningFloppa · 14/02/2023 09:18

Thanks all, as I said imagine a mum saying she was too upset to see her children?! Just have to get on with it!

OP posts:

Original poster

SpinningFloppa · 14/02/2023 09:20

Cigarettesaftersex1 · 14/02/2023 09:06

(I blamed myself for him not seeing them even though I knew 100% it wasn’t my fault but I kept thinking maybe I should have been more willing to let him take advantage!)

What does this mean?

He would only see the children if he could see them at my house, he wouldn’t take them out and they’ve never been to his house since we split 6 years ago, once I stopped allowing it he stopped seeing them. He wouldn’t take them out anywhere. Over the 2 years my kids have been upset that he doesn’t bother with them so I thought maybe I should have just allowed him to see them in my home but I know I don’t have to and I didn’t want him here.

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TwoPointFourCatsAndDogs · 14/02/2023 09:21

This reminds me of a joke I heard in my early 20’s but never really understood for another 20+ years, until my own DF died and his ‘new family’ (DSM and her not his DCs) told my DB and I how hurt he was that he never saw us. DB and I were kids when he left us for DSM. Anyway, there’s the joke….

‘Why do men have backbones? So their knuckles don’t drag on the floor.’

lunar1 · 14/02/2023 09:22

My dad stopped seeing me at 13 to protect his mental health. Ignore all that, it's how they justify being shit human beings.

Deathbyfluffy · 14/02/2023 09:23

As a Dad to a DC who lives elsewhere, he's just being a shit Dad.
It hurts, but those who actually want to see their kids work through it as it's worth the pain

maranella · 14/02/2023 09:24

Men love to explain away the appalling behaviour of other men and make it women's fault.

Your ex is a massive jerk OP. He would only see them at your house? Why? So he could keep tabs on you? Or so he could make a quick exit when he'd had enough and as they were at home already he wouldn't have to take them back? Delete as applicable.

Your poor kids. Good for you for splitting up with him. This is no one's fault but his.

Mindymomo · 14/02/2023 09:30

My DH Dad left as he didn’t want children, within 5 years he had 5 children with second wife, never saw DH as he never turned up when arranged, MIL gave him one more chance he didn’t turn up, they never spoke again.

Giggorata · 14/02/2023 09:48

Thank you, vipers.
I've always felt guilt about separating my DC and ex, with my head telling me he could/should have seen them, sad or not, and my heart feeling so shitty about dragging them away from him.
He never paid a penny to support them, either.

SVRT19674 · 14/02/2023 09:49

Oh poor diddums your Ex-Husband. Such a snowflake. He´s just a shite dad who thinks parenting is optional. When I was around 18 I was talking to my aunt´s logder a dad of teens himself. He told me that if he ever divorced (speaking hypothetically) he wouldnt see his children again. I was shocked. Because it would be too painful. I told him what about his kid´s pain, that was more important than whatever he felt, which as an adult, was secondary. He made them, he had responsibility. He said he understood, but that´s what he would do. I´m 48 now. And haven´t forgotten that conversation. It is a man thing, the get out clause.

GoodChat · 14/02/2023 09:51

Oh no it must be so hard for him to see his children happy without needing him in their lives. Boohoo poor him.

Original poster

SpinningFloppa · 14/02/2023 10:59

Exactly “protect his mental health” what about his kids mental health? It’s all about him. It’s not to protect his mental health anyway he just can’t be bothered. I’m not sure him having them at my house was to keep tabs on me, he has his own home but has chosen to rent that out so the kids couldn’t go there! I felt like having him here was enabling him to do that whilst he gets lots of money I’m supporting it basically?! I don’t think so, it also meant I never get a break and he would often make inappropriate comments or hint at staying over. The children also have additional needs and my oldest child’s behaviour can be very challenging (the reason why I think he didn’t want to take them out because he found it too hard 🙄 well I just have to get on with it!)

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Naunet · 14/02/2023 12:00

SpinningFloppa · 14/02/2023 00:49

My ex didn’t bother to see our kids for 2 years he came back recently asking for contact (posted about this) and he came down to see the kids, he has seen them once and now vanished again! I am totally confused by this behaviour I really don’t get seeing your kids once and then not bothering again (I blamed myself for him not seeing them even though I knew 100% it wasn’t my fault but I kept thinking maybe I should have been more willing to let him take advantage!)

Well anyway posted on a single parents group about it and all I get is men making excuses for him, apparently he was so upset seeing them again that he’s had no choice to back away to “protect his mental health” or seeing them again has caused too much upset and he was so upset by it that now he can’t see them anymore? wtf? I mean imagine a mum saying she was too upset to see her children, is this a thing?

Ugh, what a load of bullshit those men talk, guess what fellas, how your children feel and their upset is more important than yours! Some men never seem to be able to let go of being centre of their own universe.

You did the right thing OP, but if he reaches out again, tell him to fuck off.

pictoosh · 14/02/2023 12:02

Sounds like he wanted to satisfy his curiousity, and did. Until the next time he feels the urge.

People are very quick to romanticise inadequacy.

Original poster

SpinningFloppa · 14/02/2023 12:52

I think he was just doing it to show off to his family, he brought presents down for Xmas with his brother and then called them on Xmas day when he was with his sister obviously to look like he was involved with his kids. Since then nothing. He certainly didn’t look upset when he came down he was pretty cheerful!

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baileys6904 · 14/02/2023 14:32

Actually it's not just men. It's what my mum tried to blame when she didn't see me for years when she had an affair and left when caught.

And also a family member has also walked out on her daughter ( she wasnt around for my mum so not learnt behaviour).

It's not right and actually stuns me how people can do this, but definitely not just dads unfortunately.

TheMousePipes · 14/02/2023 14:49

My mum walked out and left us with my dad when I was 15. She did this too and I have never really got over it.

NathanielSitsOnASpike · 14/02/2023 14:55

Absolutely pathetic behaviour to abandon your kids.

"Hurts too much to see them"? No- being separated from your kids and not seeing them grow up, hearing about their lives and sharing quality time with them - THAT should be the bit that hurts the most.

baileys6904 · 14/02/2023 16:28

@TheMousePipes I know exactly what u mean, I haven't either. I wish she knew how much she affected my life, both as a child and an adult

Original poster

SpinningFloppa · 14/02/2023 20:47

NathanielSitsOnASpike · 14/02/2023 14:55

Absolutely pathetic behaviour to abandon your kids.

"Hurts too much to see them"? No- being separated from your kids and not seeing them grow up, hearing about their lives and sharing quality time with them - THAT should be the bit that hurts the most.

Exactly this! I would be hurt not seeing my kids. Apparently it must have been too overwhelming 🤣 honestly men will defend anything!

I guess mums may do it too but I would say they are very much in the minority given that 90% of RP are mothers, rubbish excuse for anyone to use but it’s mainly the men defending him as he hasn’t actually said this is the reason, we just haven’t heard from him so I was wondering if I should say something, but these groups tend to attract a lot of NRP fathers with a chip on their shoulder, then I get have you check he is ok I would be concerned etc are you sure he’s been able to get his phone, maybe he lost it 🤦🏻

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Moser85 · 15/02/2023 00:48

No, it's a lie these men tell themselves.

It's along the lines of "I cheated because I love you so much that I got scared"

I hope your kids are ok!