Too upset to see children

[SpinningFloppa]

My ex didn’t bother to see our kids for 2 years he came back recently asking for contact (posted about this) and he came down to see the kids, he has seen them once and now vanished again! I am totally confused by this behaviour I really don’t get seeing your kids once and then not bothering again (I blamed myself for him not seeing them even though I knew 100% it wasn’t my fault but I kept thinking maybe I should have been more willing to let him take advantage!)

Well anyway posted on a single parents group about it and all I get is men making excuses for him, apparently he was so upset seeing them again that he’s had no choice to back away to “protect his mental health” or seeing them again has caused too much upset and he was so upset by it that now he can’t see them anymore? wtf? I mean imagine a mum saying she was too upset to see her children, is this a thing?

The worst part is it isn’t even him saying it, he has said nothing. He hasn’t explained why he’s stopped seeing them, we just haven’t heard from him. I’ve got women defending him now apparently “January is a tough month, it might be his mental health so you should reach out to him” and January isn’t a tough month for me?! Every month is tough for me raising the children alone, I am not going to make excuses for him.

Wow, that is completely crazy!

Have you heard of the term 'himpathy'? It refers to the special kind of sympathy that is reserved for men. Like when a man rapes a woman but... people are more worried that a conviction might harm his career.

It's worth reading/ listening to some Lundy bancroft to understand the extend to which abusive men lie, and a part of the abuse is how they convince others that they are the victims or they are a "good man" so it is really hard for women to be believed.

Can you distance yourself from the people who are talking this nonsense?

Just repeating for anyone getting involved with these lowlives

people are very quick to romanticise inadequacy

and yes I'm including my exes fiance in with this group I hope you enjoy supporting him for the next ten years because if he gets a job child maintenance will get him 😉

Himpathy! Brilliant never heard of that one but it completely sums it up. Thank you for the suggestion I will have a look.

Tbh I don’t usually post on that group as it’s a single parents group so it attracts men as well as women and I’m sure most just go on to defend these waste of space fathers. The fathers are usually NRP who want to make excuses as they are probably just as useless, they will be telling me he has been abducted by aliens next to explain why he hasn’t seen them. I said I’m not going to reach out to him and was that was a shame. I usually post on my single mums group which avoid these comments. I don’t know why my ex is any of my business it takes 2 seconds to send a text and he was contacting them perfectly fine until he actually saw them..

OP. I've read your posts previously and your ex sounds like a waste of space. Having 4 kids seems too much bother for him.

More widely though, i think part of the reason your getting those responses is that there are women that are extremely difficult when it comes to child access. Of course according to this place it's an incredibly small number of cases, however, in reality it is an issue and when you venture off a board like this with all it's bias you will encounter different views.

Yeah I totally get that, I’ve actually seen posts where it’s clear the mum doesn’t want the dad to see the children after they’ve spilt (I can understand in cases of abuse but lot of the time it’s because they don’t want to “share” their children which I don’t get) so some of the dads will be coming from that angle but there is certain things you can’t make excuses for and if it was totally out of character and he was usually a great dad I would be reaching out and seeing what’s wrong but that’s not the case. If he hasn’t contacted for 7 weeks it’s not because his phone is broke/ lost/ he’s in hospital/ got trapped in a cave etc

Obviously I’m struggling and coping alone with 4 children with sen but that doesn’t seem to matter and he doesn’t give a shit about how I am feeling.

making excuses for him, apparently he was so upset seeing them again that he’s had no choice to back away to “protect his mental health” or seeing them again has caused too much upset and he was so upset by it that now he can’t see them anymore

Where there's a man, there's an apologist.

I knew a man who left his wife and kids when the kids were 8 and 10, saw the kids a couple of times then stopped because "he thought it best because it was upsetting them".

And then he - just never saw them again. Ever.
They had contact with their grandmother and uncle on his side but he just never bothered.

He was just a spineless, inadequate man. I knew him years later ( as the partner of a friend of mine) and it was patently obvious that that's what the problem was, even then.

So presumably your friend knew he had nothing to do with his kids.

Why did she tolerate him. Just interested.

Before anyone makes the point I'm not looking to shift the blame here from this man.

Yeah she knew, although not when their relationship started. She didnt love the idea that he'd abandoned his kids but she was certainly willing to live with it (she does have self esteem issues tbh). It helped that she didn't have or want children herself.

Anyway he treated her tolerably well in a slightly selfish way (ie as long as she didn't place too many demands on him). When he died she was upset at how few of his family attended the funeral.