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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Told off for helping

53 replies

Pudloguide · 13/02/2023 21:02

My husband owns our flat (not me). Now our neighbour has sent him a legal letter over some work needed on the shared building. The neighbour is being very unreasonable and difficult.
i found him a solicitor for legal advice and then tonight I finally told him what i would do in his position (he had been asking me all evening) and he got completely furious with me and stormed upstairs. when i went to see how he was he told me to leave him alone really nastily.
anyway, he hasnt come down and i am left here in this poisonous atmosphere feeling horrible.
i dont know what i am asking really. Whether it is ok to now let him sort it out on his own, i suppose. I was trying to help him.
he had an affair a few years ago with a woman who was always a great emotional help to him apparently (very supportive - unlike me), so i am prob oversensitive about all this!
can i but out now?

OP posts:

Original poster

Pudloguide · 14/02/2023 06:59

I guess i am asking you if it is ok to check out of supporting him with his neighbour problem as we are supposed to be a team. Would you really leave your partner to go through it alone if you could see him getting more and more caught up in the crap?

OP posts:

CalistoNoSolo · 14/02/2023 07:08

Forgiving an affair is stupid, not commendable. OP, you should have left when you found out your husband was cheating on you, he's clearly a nasty shit who doesn't appreciate or respect you so why are you still with him?

Velvian · 14/02/2023 07:09

Get that solicitor's help with making a claim against the property and then divorce him.

I'm not sure I believe that he is doing all the work at work and everyone else is crap. I bet he is a very difficult person to work with.

Utter bollocks that he had an affair because you didn't support him. He had an affair because he wanted to and thought he could get away with it.

pog100 · 14/02/2023 07:10

The answer is that, no, in a good normal supportive marriage you wouldn't just let your husband get on with it alone because you are partners. However, that implies that you are actually a team and his behaviour, both with the affair and in the awful way he is treating you mean that very few people would be able to support, while being treated like shit. As you can see from all the responses, few can believe you wish to stay for a lifetime of this and are advising you to split and divide the marital assets which may include this flat.

SomeareDeluded · 14/02/2023 07:14

He sounds like a drama llama, needy and quite frankly pathetic man man child.

Tell him to grow the fuck up and stop pandering to him. Was he an only child?

Respect you have managed to get over his affair. Again, a selfish choice of his and his alone and no matter how much attention you shower him with, however many tantrums over neighbours and work colleagues you have to endure, it will never be enough, this man will always feel entitled and need to act out....whilst blaming others. I suggest deep down he is rather inadequate with low self esteem and these behaviours are all linked to this.

Allshallbewell2021 · 14/02/2023 07:30

I really feel for you. I think it is very common to be in a marriage where one person's rage becomes the atmospheric prison of the partner.

Some people treat their closest loved ones the worst (teenagers for example) because they feel those people have to take it when the where the world outside won't. They can't find a productive way to deal with their emotions and are destructive.

He is likely to have grown up in an atmosphere where he learned this or where he did not learn how to manage himself.

Some people behave badly and their partners stick with them until they learn to behave better. Older generations would see this as part of 'in sickness and in health'. All you can do is create strong boundaries and say when the person is calm that their behaviour is unacceptable. Then look at whether and how you could leave if it is intolerable.

Rage in the home is very common. I think you can only manage how you deal with it and how you work out what your limits are I guess? But all the best, it sounds tough.

tara66 · 14/02/2023 07:43

N B - Regarding practicalities - do DH and you know that when selling a property one has to honestly fill in a detailed '' Seller's Information'' form and one question asks are there any problems and disputes with neighbours? DH needs to end or minimise the neighbour problem if he hopes to sell.

Original poster

Pudloguide · 14/02/2023 07:54

@tara66 yes we both know that. That (and the stress) is why i am advising him to cut his losses and wrap it up.
the problem is that what the neighbour is trying to do potentially damages DH property and he is angry about that. (She really is nasty). My take on it is just accept it, hope its ok and get out of there. Or, let the solicitor do his thing.
I am starting to feel that yet again i am not being considered at all. Even if he deals with it without my help i am getting all the misery and moaning and bad feeling. And i also dont think he can deal with it and he is making it all worse.
his take on it is that he has a lot on his plate and doesnt need any grief from me.

OP posts:

Original poster

Pudloguide · 14/02/2023 08:02

@Allshallbewell2021 thank you. He grew up in a very unpleasant atmosphere (parents nasty divorce, DH left with stepmother who was really cruel and cold to him and his brother) and he cannot let that go at all. He still rants about it all these years later.
He is an angry person but does this thing where he is over-nice to people except for his immediate family) and then furious if they let him down in any way. It’s exhausting.
if i leave him it will be just one more example of someone letting him down (in his eyes).
i guess i don’t really know how to cope.

OP posts:

TheDogthatDug · 14/02/2023 08:08

The flat is not considered to be a marital asset as it was bought before you got married.

Fairislefandango · 14/02/2023 08:17

He sounds horrible. You sound (understandably) totally fed up. I bet you're happier when he's not there and slightly dread him coming home. Why in earth are you still with him?!

Bertha21 · 14/02/2023 08:18

When you say he told you off, it sounds like he is the parent/adult. He doesn’t get to tell you off. He can disagree, it’s just a opinion. If your married it is your home too. Do you feel that it’s home? The fact that he has left you feeling this way and is refusing to talk is him taking the upper hand. Your supposed to be equals/team. I would look at that.

Velvian · 14/02/2023 08:20

That is not necessarily true @TheDogthatDug . It depends on various factors and I would advise op to get advice on it.

Velvian · 14/02/2023 08:24

I wonder how your DH would feel @Pudloguide if you had treated him the way he has treated you. That might be something for him to ponder on.

It sounds like he needs individual counselling.

CalistoNoSolo · 14/02/2023 08:28

Who cares if he thinks you're letting him down by leaving. He let you down in the worst way by shagging another woman. You sound so passive OP. Are you really going to waste the rest of your life on your absolute bastard of a husband?

CalistoNoSolo · 14/02/2023 08:28

Logburnerperils · 14/02/2023 08:32

Wow the bar is incredibly low for some people.

EyesOnThePies · 14/02/2023 08:35

What would happen if you held your ground, and said very calmly and levelly “You seem very angry that you are not getting what you need to get this sorted. I am not prepared to keep setting myself up to fail in your eyes, so if you want my help please tell me exact what you need”.

Any more nastiness: “I am not prepared to be treated like this and spoken to like that. It doesn’t seem as if I can help you further so I’m leaving it with you”.

And don’t engage further.

It sounds as if you are trying to measure up to some mythical standard of ‘support’ , but it will never be enough for him, because he doesn’t know what he wants and is his own worst enemy so you will always fail. He is just using this as a way to take his own anger and frustration out on you.

CleaningOutMyCloset · 14/02/2023 08:42

All I'm hearing is you making excuses for him op. His affair, work, flat all not his fault, what an awful time he's having etc etc. stop! Just stop! Having an awful time doesn't excuse his behaviour. You were genuinely trying to help and he's used you as an emotional punch bag (and not the first time by the sounds of things). Let him sort his own shit out. If he starts moaning about the flat again, tell him that you've tried to help but got shouted at and ignored, if he wants your help he can ask for it, if he doesn't then that's fine, but he needs to stop throwing his emotional baggage on you.

Clymene · 14/02/2023 08:43

So he feels bullied by the neighbour and bullied at work and so he bullies you at home.

He's emotionally abusing you OP. He doesn't respect you. He had an affair and told you it was all your fault and you believed him. You're apologetic.

This is a toxic dynamic and it won't get any better.

Original poster

Pudloguide · 14/02/2023 09:18

He’s going to get into a big pickle where he gets taken to court and possibly have to pay costs, find it difficult to sell flat, have screaming row with neighbour. That’s what i am afraid of. And it is all avoidable.
But you are right. I should stand my ground and keep out of it.

OP posts:

CleaningOutMyCloset · 14/02/2023 09:50

Pudloguide · 14/02/2023 09:18

He's an adult op, you've offered him help and he's refused, leave him to it.

Do you share finances, is a fine likely to hit you directly?

Fraaahnces · 14/02/2023 10:27

Honestly, there’s always a reason why these men can’t help but be disagreeable bastards isn’t there? The thing is, you choose how you behave and what you say. You choose how you react to things. He is in control of himself. He is choosing to decide to be a victim and an angry man. Do you want this for your future?

perfectcolourfound · 14/02/2023 11:12

The right thing to so is keep out of it. He's told you to in no uncertain terms.

You've tried to do the right thing and he's using you as an emotional punchbag. He thinks that he can offload on you, pass his stress on to you, be rude and angry at you, and you should just take it. Does he offer you the same service for your stresses and strains? I thought not.

You decided to forgive him his affair and move on. Whether or not that was the 'right' choice (for you, for him, according to outsiders), you chose to forgive and move on. He repays that by treating you appallingly.

Truly, I would walk away now.

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 14/02/2023 11:21

If I was you, I would suggest that he goes and lives in the flat that ‘he owns’, then you could just enjoy your life in your house without having to put up with temper tantrums .

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