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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Shall I get back with him?

49 replies

Sophie2098 · 13/02/2023 20:06

Me and my ex live together as we’re still trying to sell our house after our 7 year relationship breakdown. To try and shorten the story I’ve bullet pointed below why we broke up and things that have happened:

  • Doubted his feelings for me 4 times while together.
  • Liked and followed random girls on social media from nights out etc even though he knows it made me insecure.
  • never happy with our life
  • Messaged and chatted up other women behind my back.
  • critical of my choices and things I did.
  • controlling
  • verbally abusive and physically when angry.
  • turned everything into my fault
  • made me insecure and change into a different person.
A mix of all of this and him changing his mind everyday how he treats me and I’m a nervous wreck. Doubting myself every 5 minutes , was I the problem ?

Some of the insults below were just a snapshot of what he said but he says he was angry and didn’t mean it:
-no none will want me

  • Only good for 1 thing
  • he was bored of me for 7 years
  • slut
  • tramp
  • lazy bitch
  • no wonder your parents didn’t want you
  • you’re disgusting
  • you’re dead to me
Is he right ? Am I overreacting and this is normal?

Hes now on about getting back together and I’m really considering whether I should? He’s asked me to think about everything-saying we’ve both had a part in this and that we can work together and that he’s changed his ways. He realises now what he’s lost. He says that every bloke does what he did with the girls and that it means nothing. So maybe I’ll always get this?

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 13/02/2023 20:08

verbally abusive and physically when angry.

No no no no no no no.

<takes a breath>

Nooooooooooooooooooo

Don't even think about it.

BTMadmummy · 13/02/2023 20:08

No every blow does not do this.

Why would you even consider going back to him? He isn’t going to change

Dinersaur · 13/02/2023 20:08

No it is not normal. Don't get back with this man.

Fudgemaker · 13/02/2023 20:11

Run!!!! He won't change, don't waste any more time on him

Zanatdy · 13/02/2023 20:12

read your bullet points and ask yourself if you want to spend the rest of your days being treated like that. No it is not normal to treat a partner like that. I can guarantee you he will not change.

Sellsellseller · 13/02/2023 20:13

Ouch!! His horrible! What does he say to people he doesn’t like then!!

Leave him.

AnotherNameChangeYes · 13/02/2023 20:14

Seriously? No fucking way. You’d be an absolute fool.

He says that every bloke does what he did with the girls and that it means nothing.

This is a load of absolute bullshit.

Look up the Freedom programme, contact women’s aid. Run and raise your standards massively.

Pinkbonbon · 13/02/2023 20:15

So he's a psychopath who hates you, basically.

No, of course you don't get back with him.

Partners are supposed to be kind and warm and a safe place. This 'man' is a vile bully.

Maybe Post in the property section for advice to help your property sell faster. The sooner this asshole is out if your space and life for good, the better.

Avoid him as much as possible in the mean time. Make sure your bedroom door has a lock on it.

LightSpeeds · 13/02/2023 20:17

No, not every bloke does that - only the really crap ones. Don't be taken in by his lines.

Do not go back to him (else you'll be writing exactly the same post in two years' time).

Stay strong 💪🏻

quietnightmare · 13/02/2023 20:18

No

barmycatmum · 13/02/2023 20:19

It’s not normal. Be strong. Keep leaving. Absolutely do not let him back in your life.

he is STILL passing off the blame and he is now officially gaslighting you. I know people use that word a lot, but he is actually doing it. “It was both of us to blame” “every bloke does that”.

all untrue, all making you doubt your gut knowledge that you are RiGHT to leave him. Kick him out of the house if you can - living with him is dangerous once he knows he won’t get what he wants.

PrinceHaz · 13/02/2023 20:20

I assure you he will not have changed his ways. And even if he had, you’ll always remember his cruelty.
I hope you can sell soon so you can start afresh without him.

GingerScallop · 13/02/2023 20:22

No. Not every block does this to their partners. Only the abusive arseholes do that. Keep running and dont look back

category12 · 13/02/2023 20:23

No, most men are not like this.

You can do better.

Pinkbonbon · 13/02/2023 20:25

And just incase you needed to hear it op - you matter, your feelings matter, you have value, you deserve to be happy and safe and loved and your feelings are valid.

I also know you are a very beautiful soul because monsters like him gravitate to good people. They see that light and want to suck it dry.

But no, no he doesn't get to do that anymore.
Not if you decide is over - and mean it.

BCBird · 13/02/2023 20:28

No. This is not normal behaviour. No one deserves this. Put yourself first. Know your value.

Ansjovis · 13/02/2023 20:53

As others have said: hell no. Furthermore, I would suggest that you don't date again until you've done the freedom programme and have some healthy boundaries in place. There are so many things I can say but I'll stick with one thing. He says that you've "both played a part". Well let me tell you what my husband does on the occasion that I wind him up: he walks away. No name calling, no aggression, nothing. So even IF you did do something to annoy your ex, he is a million miles away from the response of a good man.

Dery · 13/02/2023 20:54

No, OP - this man is nasty and doesn’t know how to treat a partner. What he describes is not how all men behave - only how abusive men behave. Please, please, please keep him as an ex and get away from your shared home ASAP. A relationship should make you feel contented, secure and confident. A relationship with this guy will destroy you.

Spottycarousel · 13/02/2023 20:59

God no

Always4Brenner · 13/02/2023 21:00

Not on your life should you get back together. Do you want insults for the rest of your life he’s getting cold feet and thinks you’ll go back well don’t good luck.

fruitbrewhaha · 13/02/2023 21:01

NO

Keep moving forward OP. Do not look back.

Summerhillsquare · 13/02/2023 21:02

Christ on a bike, no. Get away as soon as you can!

Headinthesandmindinthegutter · 14/02/2023 00:57

OP no - you are not over-reacting. What you have described is not normal or loving behaviour.

Look at what you have listed and imagine a friend or family member telling you that their partner was doing that to them - try and look outside in, objectively, because I'm betting you're so ground down it might just feel easier to get back with him.

Is there no-one you could go and stay with while the house is sold? Space and distance will be hard at first but necessary I think. He sounds manipulative and abusive so maybe Women's Aid could help with a shelter/refuge short-term?

Maybe try and get somebcounselling through work or NHS too, start working on your self-esteem and that may help to pull you out of this.

Stay strong, you can do this!

RosieLeaLovesTea · 14/02/2023 01:18

Definitely not normal behaviour!!! Do not get back with him. You need the opportunity to find a partner who deserves your love and commitment.

Eyerollcentral · 14/02/2023 01:39

Sophie2098 · 13/02/2023 20:06

Me and my ex live together as we’re still trying to sell our house after our 7 year relationship breakdown. To try and shorten the story I’ve bullet pointed below why we broke up and things that have happened:

  • Doubted his feelings for me 4 times while together.
  • Liked and followed random girls on social media from nights out etc even though he knows it made me insecure.
  • never happy with our life
  • Messaged and chatted up other women behind my back.
  • critical of my choices and things I did.
  • controlling
  • verbally abusive and physically when angry.
  • turned everything into my fault
  • made me insecure and change into a different person.
A mix of all of this and him changing his mind everyday how he treats me and I’m a nervous wreck. Doubting myself every 5 minutes , was I the problem ?

Some of the insults below were just a snapshot of what he said but he says he was angry and didn’t mean it:
-no none will want me

  • Only good for 1 thing
  • he was bored of me for 7 years
  • slut
  • tramp
  • lazy bitch
  • no wonder your parents didn’t want you
  • you’re disgusting
  • you’re dead to me
Is he right ? Am I overreacting and this is normal?

Hes now on about getting back together and I’m really considering whether I should? He’s asked me to think about everything-saying we’ve both had a part in this and that we can work together and that he’s changed his ways. He realises now what he’s lost. He says that every bloke does what he did with the girls and that it means nothing. So maybe I’ll always get this?

OP is there something in your history that would lead you to even consider this? He is bad news. Don’t waver. Get him out of your life and then get help - you shouldn’t have endured 7 days of this never mind 7 years.

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