Shall I get back with him?

[Sophie2098]

Me and my ex live together as we’re still trying to sell our house after our 7 year relationship breakdown. To try and shorten the story I’ve bullet pointed below why we broke up and things that have happened:

• Doubted his feelings for me 4 times while together.
• Liked and followed random girls on social media from nights out etc even though he knows it made me insecure.
• never happy with our life
• Messaged and chatted up other women behind my back.
• critical of my choices and things I did.
• controlling
• verbally abusive and physically when angry.
• turned everything into my fault
• made me insecure and change into a different person.

A mix of all of this and him changing his mind everyday how he treats me and I’m a nervous wreck. Doubting myself every 5 minutes , was I the problem ?

Some of the insults below were just a snapshot of what he said but he says he was angry and didn’t mean it:
-no none will want me

• Only good for 1 thing
• he was bored of me for 7 years
• slut
• tramp
• lazy bitch
• no wonder your parents didn’t want you
• you’re disgusting
• you’re dead to me

Is he right ? Am I overreacting and this is normal?

Hes now on about getting back together and I’m really considering whether I should? He’s asked me to think about everything-saying we’ve both had a part in this and that we can work together and that he’s changed his ways. He realises now what he’s lost. He says that every bloke does what he did with the girls and that it means nothing. So maybe I’ll always get this?

NO

this is like saying ‘shall I have another root canal without pain relief ‘

surely the single life appeals after dating a cunt of this magnitude ?

my ex wasn’t nearly as bad as this but trust me after a month alone I’m happier

please 🙏 do not

Thank you everyone for taking the time to answer me.
I just can't explain why I flip so much all the time - when he's horrible I'm reminded why and feel stronger for my decision. Then he's nice again and I start to doubt myself - maybe it's not as bad as I'm making out? It's like my brain forgets all the bad stuff and focuses on the life we had rather than the bad stuff.

Even if you were the problem, then why does he want to be with you?

He says that every bloke does what he did with the girls and that it means nothing. So maybe I’ll always get this?

You'll always get this if you put up with it, you are worth more than this shitty arsehole.

Run to the closest airport and get On a plane away from him! He’s abusing you and he has not and will not change. Get out now. This is the bit where he persuades you to stay and maybe he will change- but only for a while.

my ex husband never changed and whilst no one else would want me and I was only good for one thing, a tramp, slut, whore, worthless etc I now have a loving partner who tells me I’m amazing that he’s lucky to have found me, that we are in this together and that he won’t leave.

don’t believe what he says he’s abusing you and splitting up is the right decision, but be careful because when he realises you won’t fall prey to him he could be much more abusive.

Trust me every bloke does not do this with girls if there happy. Think of what your worth, raise the bar, you split for a reason dont make backward steps keep moving forward 🙂

Run for the hills, he a prick.

you want it to work, desperately. so when the good stuff happens you forget the bad. because all you want is for this relationship to work because you actually believe the shit he is spouting. he is wrong. you are a worthwhile person and you can do so much better.

@Sophie2098 look up the sunk cost fallacy of relationships. You remember the good times and how it might change, and you’ve put so many years in so you can’t give up because it might get better. Only it won’t.

You should never ever stay with someone who is abusive. You need to do some work on yourself, get some counselling, work on your boundaries. Set your bar higher.

Would you accept a stranger or friend behaving like this? No, you’d go to the police. Your measure of what is normal is so way off. A partner is suppose to love and cherish you, encourage you, be your champion, want the best for you and enjoy seeing you happy. Set your bar much much higher.

Don’t end up another 7 years down the line only now you think you can’t leave because you’ve got children and you’re kidding yourself he’s a ‘good Dad’ to kids who witness all the abuse and grow up thinking it’s normal and copy the behaviour in their own relationship. Break the cycle before it’s too late.

He was controlling, did he let you socialise with friends or did he stop you going out.

OP, as everyone else is pointing out, your relationship is a nightmare. Please read the lists you made in your first post. Would you advise your sister or friend to put up with that?

The only reason he is sometimes nice to you is to keep you bewildered and unsure of yourself. Gaslighting, in other words. Making you doubt your own (correct) perceptions.

Please leave him. He will never make genuine long-term changes. He has no reason to.

The whole being nice thing is part of the abuse cycle. Because if he behaved awfully all the time you’d leave. It’s to make sure you don’t.

It’s to confuse and manipulate you into staying because he can be nice sometimes so I’ll stay in the hope he might be nice all the time. Right?

Its all part of the game.

You are in a mentally and physically abusive situation. Don't mind his pleas to get you back, he is messing with your head. Every other bloke does not do all of this, he's trying to normalise his abusive behaviour to keep you in his snare.

Please, please, leave him.

A disgusting abusive nasty pig.

Why on earth would you want to remain near someone so truly awful.

He is a freak, a nasty thug.

Consider reporting him to the police for multiple assaults would be more in your line that getting back with him.

This "relationship" was poisonous and NEVER healthy and normal.

Run.

The nice stuff is just an act, it dies t last, its just to trick you into wondering if you misunderstood him or think he might change.

Typical cycle of abuse.

Besides, think of it this way, even if he acted nice all the time, you'd never be able to trust it wouldnt change. You'd spend your whole life worried he might flip back. Walking on egg smells. Plus, hurting for the harmful things he did and said in the past and seems to think you should just get over as if they weren't absolutely horrible, heartbreaking and traumatising.

That's a prison sentence, not a relationship.

*eggshells even xD

He horrible and severely abusive.
Of course don't get back with him.

Have you ever done the freedom program?

Read "Women Who Love Too Much" by Robin Norwood. Google it now!

FFS I despair, I really do

Run.. you deserve better

Then he's nice again and I start to doubt myself

You do realise that that “niceness” is completely fake op?

Take him back and it will be another week max before he reverts to type. I’m imagining this break up pattern has happened a few times previously.

You’ve already wasted seven years, how many more will you waste trying to polish a turd?

A Million times no!. As PP said the niceness is part of the manipulation to fool you into taking him back.

what if your dearest friend told you those things in your original post about her husband? What would you advise her to do?

go forward and towards a happier future, dont look back

OP you’ve posted about this at least three other times and had the same advice.

The advice won’t change, you’d be a fool to take him back.

Are you serious?

Imagine that you are single and meeting a new man for a first date. He is explaining to you what life would be like if you decide to date him. This first date lists all the things you wrote in your bullet points. Would you chose to go on a second date? Or run for the hills?