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Original poster

About to leave my boyfriend… quick replies please!

52 replies

Lilally · 13/02/2023 19:00

Hi everyone,
so I’m about to end things with my boyfriend over text. He is absolutely amazing and I know he feels so strongly for me, we’ve not been together long - only 5 months.
The reason I’m ending things is because he never wants children and I do, and it doesn’t seem right at my age (29) to be in a relationship that has no future.
I’m absolutely devastated.
The reason I’m doing it over text is because he’s working away at the moment but is coming to see me tomorrow for Valentine’s Day. As horrible as I feel doing this the day before Valentine’s Day, I know that ultimately it is kinder than having him make the long journey to see me when I need to end things.
Any advice on what to say? And advice to deal with the guilt (I know this will really hurt him), and I don’t know how I will move on from the most perfect guy I’ve ever met (besides not wanting children)

OP posts:
ittakes2 · 13/02/2023 20:04

What are you thinking? Surely if you value him as a human being he is owed a phone call from you rather a text are you kidding breaking up with him over text after 5months?

NewspaperTaxis · 13/02/2023 20:07

Beachhutnut · 13/02/2023 19:21

Can you say you're I'll and put him off coming and then finish it face to face in a week or so?

That is a good suggestion. Or, This ^ as Mumsnetters do.

Emdubz · 13/02/2023 20:13

I’m another one who’d actually prefer to be told by text but I get that I’m probably in a minority. You know him better than we do and how much he might value a phone call but like others have said, it’s a straightforward reason for ending the relationship and nothing personal about him or his qualities etc. so you can just be honest about your reason. Good luck, it’s not easy to do.

TheChosenTwo · 13/02/2023 20:20

After 5 months I’d be okay with a text to explain. Less emotion, can be factual and say what you want without getting flustered, and it’s only been 5 months. It’s not like you’re ending a 20 year marriage over a callous text.

IntentionalError · 13/02/2023 20:24

Firstly, you are doing the right thing. Neither of you is in the wrong about wanting children but the issue is a deal-breaker, so it’s better to end the relationship now.
Secondly, he has done absolutely nothing wrong, so dumping him by text would be a shitty thing to do. He deserves better, so woman up and do it in person, or at least on FaceTime if that is logistically impossible.

Whatamieventhinking · 13/02/2023 20:33

I think a text explaining is actually the kindest way, as it allows the person some privacy to have their initial reaction, especially if everything had seemed to be going swimmingly up to now. You can then offer to chat / face to face if he needs to understand anything more. But what you’ve said there is a really clear and valid reason, that if he’s emotionally stable, after 5 months he’s not going to take massively personally. Best of luck.

larkstar · 13/02/2023 20:40

I think 5 months is a really fair and reasonable amount of time to weigh up what he wants against what you want and IMHO nothing take higher on the list of possible deal-breakers thank the decision about having kids - it's s perfectly reasonable reason to decide to end the relationship before you both get too deeply involved - I'm sure it's hard enough even at this point. Add others have said - have you really fine into this with him - does he really believe what he is saying or is it just an immature laddish perspective? You need a discussion about it -

Look, I've been thinking about this a lot over the past few months - it's been amazing, you are great but there's s problem I don't think we can get past - you should know I'm definite about wanting children and, as I understand it, you're not - so - can you see where I'm coming from - there is a problem - right now - I think we should stop seeing each other because - the truth is - it's never going to work out between us because of this difference - I can't take that risk can I? What do you think?

@Lilally what do you intend to do as far as your work and/or career is concerned if you have a child? As a father, I have spent more time as a SAH parent than my wife has - I compromised on my career to be a full time hands on dad - it's what I wanted - I earned twice what my wife earned before we had kids - I took time out 4 times in about 20 years for periods of a few years each time. How do you see the two of you financing children? Doesn't he need to have some idea? Really you would be better off finding someone who is just as committed to having children as you are.

Don't text. A single text is never going to end a relationship - there will probably be replies and phone calls and requests to meet to discuss things so may as well have the hard discussion and get it all out in the open: don't be a coward over this, be an adult.

larkstar · 13/02/2023 20:41

Damn finger spelling autocorrect.

Somanysocks · 13/02/2023 20:50

You only dump someone by text if they've been acting like a shit.

Faultymain5 · 13/02/2023 20:54

I don’t care if you do it by text or not. But wait a week. Don’t let his next girlfriend hate valentines.

IWineAndDontDine · 13/02/2023 21:05

I think everyone thinks it's cruel because it seems effortless and society has told us it's super mean to dump via text. I personally disagree, it gives dumper a chance to get all their words out instead of panicking and spluttering, and it gives dumpee a chance to firstly save face, and secondly think about what they want to reply instead of speaking in a moment of intense emotion. Logically, there is nothing kinder about a phone call/face to face breakup than a text one. In fact, I would argue the other way round.

IWineAndDontDine · 13/02/2023 21:05

So long as you give them a chance for a phone call/face to face convo after the fact, to address any questions etc

CharlotteRose90 · 13/02/2023 21:14

5 months is nothing you can definitely do it by text . I would just explain that you have enjoyed your time together and you care about him but you want a family and he doesn’t so for that reason it’s best to split up . Please don’t let him sweet talk you and waste your time saying he’s changed his mind when he hasn’t. The perfect man will turn up.

CharlotteRose90 · 13/02/2023 21:17

Faultymain5 · 13/02/2023 20:54

I don’t care if you do it by text or not. But wait a week. Don’t let his next girlfriend hate valentines.

A week doesn’t change anything, he’s probably bought her a gift etc so this way he can return it. It’s been 5 months not 5 years I think he’ll be ok.

Liz1tummypain · 13/02/2023 21:33

Don't end a 5 month relationship by text. Have some heart. Give a proper explanation. He deserves that at least.

ExtraJalapenos · 13/02/2023 21:34

Jesus. Call the poor guy. Please don't dump him by text. Its fucking horrible!

Awrite · 13/02/2023 21:41

I was dumped by text 19 years ago. Back in the days when a long text was 2 separate texts.

I read it as I was heading into an event. For work. Had to put on a brave face until I could drown my sorrows afterwards.

What a c**t.

Call him.

Velvetbee · 13/02/2023 21:42

I’d prefer text too. I could deal with my emotions privately before responding.

Figmentof · 13/02/2023 22:01

Awrite · 13/02/2023 21:41

I was dumped by text 19 years ago. Back in the days when a long text was 2 separate texts.

I read it as I was heading into an event. For work. Had to put on a brave face until I could drown my sorrows afterwards.

What a c**t.

Call him.

I was dumped by email 21 years ago and I have never forgotten it and never forgiven. I felt so worthless, that I didn’t even warrant a face to face conversation.

I also was heading overseas that evening for a works thing and had to spend a night in a foreign hotel alone as I wasn’t even travelling with anyone.

People can be in love after five months it is immensely cruel to do this by text.

Mostexpensiveplug · 13/02/2023 22:10

I think just be brutally honest. There isn’t a ‘nice’ way to dump someone before valentines (or any) day really. You’ve just got different goals, well done for realising yours. He’s gonna think you’re an arsehole, but hopefully you won’t have to see him ever again

Zanatdy · 13/02/2023 22:13

Agree that doing it via text is really unfair. Would you want to be dumped by text the day before Valentine? I’d at least say you’re sick and leave it a week. Presumably you’ve had this issue since day 1 so seems quite unfair to do it around valentines

2023babyname · 13/02/2023 22:16

I know loads are saying don’t text but to be honest, it’s a 5 month relationship, not 5 years. I’d rather be dumped via text too so maybe my opinion is skewed idk

totally agree too that it’d be nicer to do it now instead of having him travel to attend a dead relationship

best of luck ☹️

Cocobutt · 13/02/2023 22:19

I would write exactly what you’ve written on here - about that he’s amazing etc but you just can’t carry on when you want kids and he doesn’t.

I do think it’s kinder to do it over text and then say let me know when is best for you to ring and we can talk about it if you would like to.

A text gives someone the heads up.
Putting someone on the spot can often be worse.

DestinysGrandchild · 13/02/2023 22:21

On one hand, it's the day before Valentine's Day so feel like it's a bit of a dick move. But on the other, you'll only be taking presents etc to end it in the next few weeks and he will realise that you knew then you didn't really want to be with him anyway.

Just make sure all the facts are in it. It's only been 5 months.

Mojoyoyo · 13/02/2023 22:27

Dont do it by text if he’s such a nice person. It makes you a not nice person.

Id meet and discuss with him and tell him how serious it is for you and you will find someone who wants children.

hou never know he might have second thoughts