Financial separation - IABU?

[Mountainormolehills]

My wife and I are separated, but still living in the same house until she gets herself sorted. We have separated the household duties and cooking, which is a massive relief for me as I used to do 80% despite working full time and her working 3 days a week.
I earn 4 times what she does, and she is arguing that the car, which she uses x3 week to get to work, a 45 minute drive away, should be split equally (1/4 in her favour) as she does the local school run x1 week, and takes one of the kids to a local activity.
I don’t think this is fair, we are seeing a financial separation person but in the meantime I am obviously still paying for the majority. She also leaves lights and heating on when no one is using it, and spends money on food which gets thrown away (she overbuys).
Any advice or thoughts? I know I am lucky to have a relatively well paid job, but she hasn’t aided me in my career whereas I supported her whist she went to college and Uni and only worked every second weekend.
I am just fed up of being fucked over.
BTW I am female too.

Anyone?

Pick your battles. I assume you lived each other at some point. Also appears like there's kids involved.

You sound very angry and resentful still. It's wasted energy. Use it to move forward as healthily as possible. The amounts you see to be disgruntled over aren't worth the fuss, I'd have thought

Can you separate the money that you pay for your own food only?

If she is moving out, insist on an end date.

Step being pleasant.

Tell her you will pay 50% of the utility bills only as she is wasteful.

The most important thing is to expedite her leaving.

Are you married?
How is the house split?
Who will be resident parent?

Think of the children in this.

@baileys6904 believe me I am trying! I think it’s normal to feel angry and frustrated, resentful etc. That’s not going away in a hurry.
The problem is that her car actually costs quite a lot - it was in the garage again at a cost of £240 and she uses £80 per week. I’m trying to save money to give her as equity and she’s scuppering that.
I am very resentful of paying 3/4 of petrol and car costs that is used primarily for her to get to work.

@billy1966 We are taking it in turns to cook for the children, that’s 50/50. I have given her weeks to get her money and direct debits off the joint account, I have reminded her that she has until Friday or I will get my salary paid into another account.

We are married, she is refusing to leave until the house is sorted which obviously is going to take a while.
I am trying to be calm and controlled as much as possible, she has been very trying at times so it’s not been easy.
She has been the one to stop trying, I would have tried more but she has made some seriously selfish choices that have made it much easier to say goodbye. Just wish she would leave TBH.

Poor you, she sounds like hell. Just pay her an allowance every month that covers 50% of food. Would it ge possible for you to move out?

@CalistoNoSolo thanks - I’m far from perfect but I try to keep everything together, make sure the kids get enough sleep etc. I am keeping the house so there’s no way I am moving out. My kids have additional needs so keeping the house is really important to me, and my ex doesn’t earn enough to pay the mortgage and bills, even if I helped.
I want her to pay in to cover her promotion of the children’s expenses and 1/4 of house costs. I feel that it is more than fair, I don’t want to be saddled with hundreds of £ every month for a car that is only used for the kids to cover approximately 5 miles a week.

Sorry £80 petrol a week, of which only about £10 as an absolute max is on taking the kids around. So I don’t want to pay £240 a month plus garage bills, when I should be paying £30 a month.
For context, I’m already paying around £3,000 per month for 3/4 of bills, mortgage, my 1/2 of food, childcare etc. Plus money for their entertainment, and for me to have counselling etc. I’m suggesting £350 for her share of house and kid’s expenses and then she would pay for food, petrol and her own clothes and entertainment.

Where are the children going to live?

I can totally understand your frustration and resentment. I guess the only answer is to get the financials legally sorted ASAP and try and rise above the rest.

Your wife hopefully has a good lawyer.

The DCs are what matter, not you.

@adriftabroad I’m not sure what you mean. My ex has been staying out late, spending time with her friends instead of her children.
I care deeply for my children, but I am sick of paying for things that aren’t mine. I certainly don’t expect her to pay for my things, or even more than 1/4 of their expenses whilst she is living here.

@billy1966 she is asking for 50/50 which I would support. But this is until she moves out.

BTW @adriftabroad I have put my own feelings to the side for years whilst I supported her through her studies, including taking the children out every weekend so she could study/work. I didn’t mind that, even though I had no social life as I was either working or with the kids.
I am allowed to care about myself , my health and my financial situation as well as caring for my children.

I suggest you get divorced.

@adriftabroad I am trying but sheiks dragging her feet on this, despite telling me in December that it was over.

She is not Sheiks!

Financial separation is prolonging the pain.

Not a healthy environment.
Things will be split 50/50 and maybe house sold. But, you can both move on, fairly.

Person who takes care of DC gwts priority. Do not waste time arguing about the share in car FFS.

Serve papers if she is dragging feet.
Accept, as the wealthier, you are going to take a hit.

If they’re married things won’t necessarily be split 50/50. Your best bet here is to try mediation as the whole point of marriage is to make sure the less well off partner is provided for on separation, so she may well be entitled to more than you in a split. I would be treading carefully and trying to work out something that works for you both and most importantly for the DCs, because if it goes to court it may well be that she claims she HAS supported your career and that hers has taken a hit due to being the main childcare provider etc, even if that’s not your experience of it.

Imagine your DCs lives in each home and try to work out how that can be as pleasant as possible in both locations for their sake.

@adriftabroad I have paid the majority of household expenses for over a decade.

I would rather get things sorted but I am being mindful of the children.

@BigPussyEnergy I have been the main child care provider, along with our nanny.

There is no way she can claim that she helped my career, she had no input and my hours have been the same for the past 8 years, with me wfh to help support the children with their additional needs.

But the point of marriage is that you’re a team. And when one team mate isn’t pulling their weight, unfortunately it does fall to the other one to pick up the slack.

@BigPussyEnergy I agree wholeheartedly. She works 3 days a week and we have a nanny. Until we split I was working full time, mostly from home, and doing 80% of the cooking and housework.
I supported her completely, and I never got the same back.

You are married so it’s 50/50 on everything. I.e. everything into the pot and you each get 50% to pay your half of the bills etc. - that is what you signed up for and how it will likely be until you get out of the contract (divorce). The past is the past and has no bearing on anything.

@DemonHost as I earn more she has been advised that I should be paying 3/4 of joint expenses, which I am fine with whilst she is still living in the house.

@DemonHost I have been asked lots of questions so I am trying to give context