Financial separation - IABU?

[Mountainormolehills]

My wife and I are separated, but still living in the same house until she gets herself sorted. We have separated the household duties and cooking, which is a massive relief for me as I used to do 80% despite working full time and her working 3 days a week.
I earn 4 times what she does, and she is arguing that the car, which she uses x3 week to get to work, a 45 minute drive away, should be split equally (1/4 in her favour) as she does the local school run x1 week, and takes one of the kids to a local activity.
I don’t think this is fair, we are seeing a financial separation person but in the meantime I am obviously still paying for the majority. She also leaves lights and heating on when no one is using it, and spends money on food which gets thrown away (she overbuys).
Any advice or thoughts? I know I am lucky to have a relatively well paid job, but she hasn’t aided me in my career whereas I supported her whist she went to college and Uni and only worked every second weekend.
I am just fed up of being fucked over.
BTW I am female too.

She sounds horribly selfish and demanding. It's a pity you got together with such a person., Depends what your long term plans for the house are. If you have split up I dont think you should pay more than half of household expenses. I think I would be tempted to move out in your position.

Thanks @Viviennemary.
At the moment I’m being told I am militant and overly strict for wanting the children to have a set bedtime, which they clearly need. She acts like their friend or older sister, it’s impossible to actually co parent.

What is your solicitor saying in terms of fair financial split
you could well see your settlement is less than 50%..,,,,

You sound all over the place. Worrying about lights left on seems crazy when you are going through a life changing event (divorce)
Surely first thing is to sort new accommodation for her. So she moves out.
And how it's financed.
Are the children both of yours' or are they from previous relationships.

@TrinnySmith you are absolutely right, I am all over the place. She is refusing to leave until the financials are sorted though - I’m stuck. There is no way I am leaving this house - I’m happy to go away for a few days but that’s it.

Surely if you pay for the car that means less money to her elsewhere.

@TrinnySmith I don’t know who she’s spoken to or if the message I sent about her having to pay for my train ticket made her see sense but she is now saying that it should be ‘proportionate’. She drives a max of 10 miles per week with the kids, usually less.

When is your financial separation appointment?

Have either of you filed for divorce yet?

@Goldpaw I don’t know but I am phoning my solicitor tomorrow, I can’t live like this.
Neither have filed as yet.

It sounds extremely messy OP & the sooner you’re not living together the better. Are the children going to remain living in the house?

@Theeyeballsinthesky she wants 50/50 which would be fine with me but I know they are very attached to the house and hate sleeping elsewhere. I think my eldest would go more readily than my youngest. Hopefully I can get advice from the solicitor on that too.

I think you need to sort these out asap. There's no point living semi seperately if neither of you are actually going to start the divorce and the financial settlement. That's just ongoing torture for no purpose.

See your solicitor, start procedings, then work out the settlement.

And if you think it's a good idea for you to make a joint application for divorce then do so, however it may be better if you just crack on yourself.

In your OP you said you were seeing a financial spearation person, but in your reply to me you say you don't know when that is.

If you want to sort this then you need to be proactive. You can get divorced relatively quickly these days.

@Goldpaw thanks - you’re right. I’ve been trying to sort it amicably for the kids but clearly it’s not working. She reckons she will get financial aid as she doesn’t earn much - I encouraged her to work more hours for many years as I wasn’t always a higher earner and it was tough.
I’ve been using the time to work on myself with meditation and sorting counselling, and I was trying to be patient but it’s been too long and she is taking the piss now.

Are the kids joint or from previous relationships? If from previous are their other parents paying maintenance to either/both of you? If they are joint there will be a heavier obligation on you to pay a higher share of any child related costs, though either way the children will need to be adequately housed by both parents so she may try and argue for more of the house equity.

She sounds awful though, selfish and lazy.

A wise friend told me that in the early days it becomes impossible to see the wood for the trees, decisions are fuelled by anger and grief, and madness is everywhere.

Try not to sweat the small, temporary stuff. Visualise the long term plan and how you want your life (and your children's lives) to look in the future. Put all your emotional effort into achieving those goals.

There will be things you disagree on - "amicable" means resolving those disagreements calmly and rationally, accepting a degree of give and take, so you can move on to a better place.

@LadyGardenersQuestionTime thanks - I feel like I have lost perspective and patience. But I’m meditating daily and going to the solicitor tomorrow.

@honeylulu they are joint children and we are both on both birth certificates.
I have a lawyer friend who doesn’t specialise in family law but she said our assets and set up are very simple which is great.
I am more than happy and willing to pay more for the children, I have done for over a decade anyway so I will be financially better off no matter which way it falls.

I am happy and able to give her her half of the equity in the house, that is not an issue and I have told her that.

I’m stepping away from this thread now, I want to keep myself calm and measured, and I think that this is trawling up feelings that aren’t helpful.

Thanks to everyone who took the time to read and reply, I appreciate every comment.