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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What the hell…

32 replies

Sasha456 · 13/02/2023 13:07

My husband has left the family home after a protracted affair and historical cheating dating back years. I have only recently discovered the historic cheating and I am heartbroken. Keeping things running at home because of the children but yes, truly broken.
I haven’t spoken with my husband bar practicalities with the children. He has lied so much ending with emotional abuse of me - gaslighting that the affair with colleague had stopped. Breaking things in the home in rage etc.
Anyway - I am in counselling.
Today, I receive a large bouquet of flowers with a cryptic card stating forget that loser. After much digging with friends, I find it was my husband who sent it.
I just feel so played with and can’t understand his motivations at all. 😔

OP posts:
EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 13/02/2023 13:15

My ex did something similar when I left. It was many years ago so I don't remember exactly, but it seemed his motivation was to "prove" that I had only left because I had someone else lined up.

It was all very odd. My advice would just to chalk it up as "more bonkers crap from ex" and not react to it in any way. Bin flowers, don't mention it to him at all.

DestinysGrandchild · 13/02/2023 13:17

He's just trying to worm his way back in by doing nice things. He wouldn't have changed and obviously didn't care about your feelings while you were with him. You're better off without him.

Original poster
Sasha456 · 13/02/2023 13:20

Thanks everyone. I’m not sure why would the cryptic message read forget that loser.
I feel so played with 😔

OP posts:
WhatTrophy · 13/02/2023 13:20

He did that and told people about it?

Original poster
Sasha456 · 13/02/2023 13:21

No - I was able to check with the florist and the phone number matched. I can’t make sense of it!

OP posts:
RudsyFarmer · 13/02/2023 13:26

Sounds like more head fucking to me. Hoping you’ll think you had a secret admirer. Maybe also hoping you’ll post it on social media so he can enjoy watching you get excited about something knowing he was behind it and you didn’t know. It’s a control/narc thing I bet.

Summer2424 · 13/02/2023 13:27

Hi @Sasha456 sorry you're going through this 😔
Sending you strength to get through this time xx

Original poster
Sasha456 · 13/02/2023 13:28

Yeah - he’s a narcissist. How can people act like this?

OP posts:
WhatTrophy · 13/02/2023 13:30

Sasha456 · 13/02/2023 13:28

Yeah - he’s a narcissist. How can people act like this?

I know it's not the point, but the florist shared his personal data with you?

He's telling you he's a loser you should forget. Go with that.

Original poster
Sasha456 · 13/02/2023 13:33

No - the number was on the order - I just rang to confirm. It was ordered online.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sasha456 · 13/02/2023 13:34

I know - I just feel
played and have felt like this for a long time due to the cheating etc

OP posts:
Isheabastard · 13/02/2023 13:34

Maybe it’s as twisted as the other poster said.

Hes trying to make it look like you have a man friend in the offing, or he’s trying to smoke out if you do have one.

Ie a friend comes around, “ooh what lovely flowers, who sent them?” Your reply “I’ve no idea” Friend will think you’ve got a secret admirer, or you are being coy and not letting on.

Friend tells another friend, everyone thinks you’ve got a secret man friend. Your Dh can diminish your anger at him having an affair, because he’s trying to make out you are/were doing the same.

If the card hadn’t said forget that loser, then I’d have assumed he was just trying to worm his way into your good books. The card makes it much more Machiavellian.

He’s a sick fuck if that’s the case.

LoveMAFS · 13/02/2023 13:36

RudsyFarmer · 13/02/2023 13:26

Sounds like more head fucking to me. Hoping you’ll think you had a secret admirer. Maybe also hoping you’ll post it on social media so he can enjoy watching you get excited about something knowing he was behind it and you didn’t know. It’s a control/narc thing I bet.

This. So he could giggle & gloat at how gullible you are.

BitOutOfPractice · 13/02/2023 13:37

It is bizarre but his mind doesn’t work like yours, a normal person. He’s had years and years of scheming and lying to perfect his duplicitous techniques don’t forget.

im do sorry he’s putting you through this. The only way really is up now. 💐

WidthofaLine · 13/02/2023 13:37

What are you thinking, the cryric message, are you thinking he's done this to make you believe you have an admirer and you won't go bothering him for apologies and end the relationship, free him up to be single.

It is strange, what do you think he wants ?, does he want back with you with minimum effort, no change, no apologies and you on the backfoot or does he want to dissapear but not lose his cash.

He's a twat, unfortunately for you whatever you do is going to be hard work as he sound like a player who likes to win.
Some people you wish you'd never met, and he sounds like one of them.

You have my sympathy.

WidthofaLine · 13/02/2023 13:41

If I were you I wouldn't ask him, I would then proceed to order flowers to yourself with further cyptic messages.

Just plonk them on the side these weekly delieveries of flowers and when he comes round don't say anything.

Offer no explanation.

sweetsuzie · 13/02/2023 18:07

He should have added loser weirdo to it. I mean wtf?

Theunamedcat · 13/02/2023 18:13

Put it up on Facebook "delivered to me by mistake free to a good home" take control of the lie when questioned say you rang the florist and they told you to keep them as it was their mistake 😉

Veryniceindeed · 13/02/2023 18:16

Extremely weird. I can’t work out his motives.

TicketBoo23 · 13/02/2023 18:26

Fk, he is bat shit.

AnyFucker · 13/02/2023 18:28

Make no reference to the flowers whatsoever and work on extricating yourself from this dickhead.

He likes to play games but you don’t have to participate

SummerInSun · 13/02/2023 18:32

You could say "thank you for the flowers and for recognising that you are a loser and that I should forget you. That's what I intend to do, and I'm pleased you recognise that's all anyone who has been with you can do".

GraceUnderPresure · 13/02/2023 18:33

He's trying to control your emotions. Typical narcissistic behaviour. My ExH is still trying to rile me 8 years on, and I'm afraid to say sometimes he still gets to me. I'm sorry you're having to experience this too. Keep as little contact with him as possible and don't let him know how you feel. Hopefully he'll get bored of it soon. I tapered contact with ExH and am hoping that I'll have none at all moving forward. Its not easy though, good luck x

Carryonroundthecorner · 13/02/2023 18:38

He's trying to provoke a reaction with the flowers. Sad bastard.
Grey rock all the way.
Sorry this is happening to you 💐

Whatevergetsyouthroughthenight · 13/02/2023 18:43

Guilt? He feels bad and thinks he’s doing something nice by sending flowers and acknowledging he is a loser and that you should move on.