Tell me about "The One That Got Away"

[goodmorningsunny]

I'm very happily married with a baby but I do find myself thinking about the guy that I saw myself having a life with before I met my husband.

He was lovely but we didn't agree on some fundamental things. He didn't want marriage or kids, deal breaks for me, so it was obviously not meant to be.

We met online and spent hours and hours talking every day, I had the same kind of connection with him as I did when I met my now husband. He knew everything about me and my biggest secrets. I do miss him and his company but I know I've made the right choice. Doesn't stop you daydreaming though, does it? I kind of like it this way because he will forever be a romantic memory for me (if we had carried on, I'm sure it would have gone down in flames!)

Tell me about your One That Got Away!

Mine was a friend of my first husband, who I was married to for nearly 20 years after meeting at university.

In retrospect it was a deeply abusive marriage. He was.moody, demanding and difficult, and always putting me down.

His friend was funny and kind, and quietly rescued me from some dark situations. I wasn't used to having anyone on my side.

More than that, he was one of those blokes who radiates sexy hormones. The first time I met him was like a punch to the stomach. I didn't sleep properly for months.

I had a massive crush on him for about 6 years, then moved to another country.

We used to go diving together at night, all kinds of wonderful adventures under the stars. I never told him how I felt. I partly assumed I was repulsive, since my husband made me feel that way. In retrospect, it's obvious the attraction was mutual.

He also had a partner, who I liked a lot. I was envious of their easy banter and close physical intimacy.

He represented everything that was missing from my marriage.

We've stayed in touch over the years and he's now my oldest friend.

I'm now happily married to a lovely man, but he's been shit on the earning side of things. A couple of years ago, The One That Got Away split from his wife and began a relationship with someone who doesn't suit him. He was asking me about my pension etc and I suddenly realised how financially insecure I've become.

Yet again, he represented everything missing from my marriage. Except that this time, I'm actually with someone I truly love, who loves me with all his ❤️

The sudden sense of unfinished business was so overwhelming that I started a Mumsnet thread about it, but it's hard to explain this sort of thing and easy for people to pile on.

What made it hard was me struggling with working hard and getting daily updates from my friend, having the sort of adventures we used to enjoy together. It was really hard not to think "What if..." And I did think that, quite a bit!

Long story short, I stayed with husband. I could probably be enjoying a fabulous retirement with my best friend now, instead of slugging away for years with DH. But DH makes me happy in every other way, and I'm a different person from the timid little woman who was in love with the wrong man all those years ago. I'm probably a bit too wild for him nowadays 😆 which DH adores xxx

I was early 20's, he was early 30's. If the truth be told, I don't think he liked me much, he thought I was stuck up and posh. I was totally indifferent to him. We worked for the same company though, so we were pleasant enough to each other.

Through work socials we got to know each other better and found common ground through humour, and surprisingly - to both of us we found we had a similar take on most things.

He had a partner, I had various boyfriends (one at a time!), and so it really did just start out as a coolness towards one another that became a nice friendship.

As time went by, I fell in love with him. However, he had a girlfriend, so I never acted on my feelings. There were many times when I sensed he felt the same, but then I'd tell myself I was being stupid, and try to stop hoping that somehow, one day, we might be able to give things a go, should he find himself single...

Life took a dark turn though, as one of my parents became termially ill and died within 5 months of diagnosis. It completely shattered me, I ended up with life spiralling out of control. In the end I decided to take some time out and handed my notice in, it was a physically demanding job and I wasn't sleeping, running on empty, dosed up on antidepressants, my mind was a mess. But, I knew how I felt about this man, and I did end up telling him before I left. Everything was a pressure cooker and my decision making skills in hindsight were at an all time low, see below -

He didn't end his relationship at this point, and I felt a doubly wounded. So, with my head in a complete mess of grief from the loss of my father, and rejection from a man I'd been in love with for 2 years, I compounded the situation further by jumping straight onto a dating site and met someone SO HORRENDOUSLY unsuitable for me... And 2 years later I married them.

A few weeks after I'd been dating the unsuitable guy (who I then went on to marry), my 'lost love', got in touch... He had ended it with his girlfriend, and yes he did want to be with me. I was stunned. By this point, I'd convinced myself that the feelings had all been one sided, and I'd been delusional.

So I had a choice to make... In hindsight I can see how frightened I was of getting hurt all over again, and I was on a self destruct path. I didn't make a good choice. The man I married, it was a tempestuous relationship from the start. The marriage was a shit-show from start to finish, but that's a whole other story.

This was 20 years ago now. I never kept in touch with my 'one that got away', but goodness me, if I could have my time over again... Of course there's no guarantee it would have worked. But I'm not sure what's worse - to have tried and not have it work, or to always be wondering.

I do think about him often.

So much comfort in knowing these situations are common.
for those who bumped into their ‘one that got away’, how long did it take to push them to the back of your mind?

I met a beautiful guy at my university interview day - he was a bit gauche and not entirely comfortable in himself or amongst girls (bit of a nerd from a boys boarding school). Utterly gorgeous to look at, to kiss, and to talk to - he was basically perfect.

Somehow we fell in love over the summer, but ended up at different universities and decided it wouldn’t work.

By chance we ended up in the same place two years later - there he was in the street smiling - glowing, confident, tanned, with a stunning girl on his arm. We chatted and it was a bit awkward. I wish he had been kinder to me then, as it spoiled the memories for me. But he had moved on to a place where only the gorgeous people belong and I was pretty and clever, but never gorgeous.

It was the only time in my life I dallied with someone so far out of my league. We were never meant to be. But it was a very beautiful experience, for a while.

My one that got away turned back up two and a half decades later. He was hot. Then. Now, he was a tubby hairy coarse oaf who sent sexual messages and nothing else. I saw through what he was like the first time. Not so much the one that got away but a lucky escape. Shame I wasted years thinking I wasn't in his league!

He was the most beautiful man I’ve ever seen, I still remember the feeling I had when I first saw him over 40 years ago. He was kind and loving too, and I broke his heart when I dumped him after 3 years. I was 21. We would not have worked long term, I still believe that, but I’ve always deeply regretted my behaviour.

Looking back, we met at too young an age. I was pretty intense (have mellowed out since) and we lived in different countries. Then were not single at the same time. He moved to a city in my country and we had one night together, I told him I was in love with him, he told me not to be. So that broke my heart.

About six months later I met DH and A few months after that got a call from the other guy - we had emailed but rarely phoned. He asked if it was serious with DH and I told him it was, he hung up. I think he regretted not keeping me as an option, or maybe he was finally ready for the relationship. Too late.

Not heard from him since I had DD. I wonder how life would have been different but I'm not the same person I was then so no idea if he is!

Wonderful man, knew him when we were 15 but nothing happened other than a night of snogging...
Met up with him again in our early 20s & wow! Sparks flew!
It was a long distant relationship - me London, him Warwick - but we wrote letters, even after email became a thing & saw each other every other weekend & during holidays/AL.
At the end of his Masters, his dream PhD was taking him further away from London & my graduate job was turning into a career & it was my big chance.
So we decided to end it on friendly terms. We're still in touch - Xmas & birthday cards. He wrote me a sweet card after my mother died.
He's in a long term relationship & seems happy.
There was the chance of meeting up again a few years ago but I fudged an excuse.
I didn't want to see him just in case it flipped a switch with me as I wasn't in a great place at the time.
I have nothing but very fond memories of our time together.
Was he the one that got away or was it a relationship with its own time & place?
Who knows!

Met him nearly 30 years ago and it was like someone punched me in the stomach. I was seeing someone at the time but when I was single we got together. I dumped him as he wasn't making an effort. I was devastated. It took him about a year to figure out his true feelings but when he revealed then I was already with my husband.

We have had intermittent contact over the years but I've remained married. My marriage isn't a very stable one and for a time I thought he could be my rescuer. He definiltey can't though. I think the fantasy is probably much better than what the reality would be.

I have run into mine three times today but tried to hide each time.
WTF is the universe doing?!

I have two rather pathetic "ones that got away". First was a family friend I fell in love with as a child, he was a bit older so a teenager and I was a pre-teen. He was just nerdy gorgeous with green eyes and amazing taste in music, we always laughed so much and I got this incredible butterflies feeling around him every single time. Then he moved away before we were of an age that a relationship or even flirting would have been an option, and I reckon he probably/possibly never thought of me that way at all. (Although as an adult I realise that generally when you have this kind of connection with someone generally both people are aware of it.) Bumped into him a while back and he was just married to a lovely woman and I met my husband not long after, it was all completely polite and nice but I still have this gut feeling that if we'd met when we were single things could have worked out. I still haven't really felt the same extreme connection with anyone else, sad as that sounds.

Second was someone I knew at school, absolutely incredible looking and everyone fancied him. We were just friends and there was no spark, but a few years later we met at a party and ended up having a one night stand. He had turned into such a lovely person and the sex was like nothing I've experienced before or since, mind blowing chemistry. Unfortunately he'd moved abroad and I've never seen him since. I know in my right mind that sex isn't necessarily a good basis for a relationship but this was magical and we were compatible in other ways too, so I can't help wondering.

(All my actual exes I was heartily sick of by the time the breakup was over so I can't regard any of those as "ones that got away", more like "hooray I got away"!)

I genuinely feel I may have just met my OTGA both have come out of long term relationships very fresh and both not looking for anything serious but my god there is something about him, just makes me feel so comfortable and we clicked straight away. I wish I had met him in 6months time or something.

I saw mine at a funeral in February where some things were said and others not said, I realised that there was still definitely a reciprocal spark after 35 years, it took 12 weeks for me not to think of him constantly. Happy to have got to that stage tbh. Bit of an emotional mindf*

So I have got potentially 3 whole months of being consumed with this 🥴

its hard analysing what you said in that moment and what you should have said.
I’ve had that scenario play over 100 times in my head but the right words busy never come out in the moment when you stomach is in knots x

I have someone who thought I was after he divorced and realised he should have pursued me instead. I was with my now husband so didn’t do anything. He’s now married again too. He’s recently added me and contacted me on Snapchat asking me about my husband and my life. Don’t know what to make of it.
There’s still some attraction and spark there. I always wonder “what it?” and should I have said yes when he came back to find me.

@Solitaryasanoyster well for me both of us are married. So it is pure computing what it all means and what ifs.
If one of you is single then that is much harder!

Everyone said we were perfect for each other but I was obsessed with his friend who treated me badly. How stupid I was.

That first love nothing comes close to it. However I did realise that maybe he wasn’t the one that got away but the one I needed to get away from: what I thought it was and what it actually was were two opposites. I think I held on to that day dream a little too long

Would love to hear how this turned out

I was at College, he was at Uni. We met at a party and saw each other a couple of times a week. His parents were lovely (he still lived at home) We were together about six months. Three months in he told me he loved me. I thought my heart would burst. Then he started getting stressed about uni work and the time needed for it. We broke up.I thought my heart would stop beating. There was physical pain.
We kept in touch and he was my +1 at the end of year ball, then I moved away.
Then my mum became ill and when I told him (he had visited them and stayed with us) he came to see her. We kept in touch every now and then. Mum was sure we'd get back together again! But it all faded out and I married someone else. We moved back to the city where he lived, and while I was going to work one day, I saw him walking along. I looked out for him every day for months but never saw him again. I wonder what it would have been like????

Basically, I felt more for her than she did for me. Went out for about 2 years but she finally dumped me (I can still remember the song playing in the pub as she did so). She's a senior police officer now.

I wonder if we ever got the chance to live out these relationships, it would grow mundane and fall into the same routine, boring cycle that most relationships do? Faced with the same problems: housework, childcare, money worries, cleaning, petty arguments about taking the bins out etc.
The obsession with ‘the one that got away’ is often that we weren’t with them long enough for it to reach this point, so we just cling onto the deliciousness of the early thrill, passion and excitement. I’m pretty sure all relationships grow a bit stale over time, especially throwing the stresses of children into the mix.
Or does this only occur if you aren’t actually with ‘the one’?

Is anyone on here with someone who they are blissfully happy with?

@Solitaryasanoyster Totally agree with your post - I think most relationships get stale (somewhat) to various degrees especially if you're living together and sharing the daily grind together.

I had a huge crush on him for all of my teenage years. From age 18 I didn't see him for about 5 years but still thought about him all the time. Decided it was stupid and all in my head and I married someone else. He committed suicide a couple of years later. People used to say they always thought we'd get together. I feel guilty that he had nothing to live for and maybe that's my fault. I think about him all the time and it was 20 years ago.

That is DEFINITELY not your fault, and the likelihood is if you'd got together the same thing would have happened but it would have blighted your life too.