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Original poster

NC with exH reasonable?

28 replies

yukkamumma · 13/02/2023 12:05

I think I might kill him if I see him again.

Just went to pick up a bike he ordered on my behalf for dd2 birthday.

Not only did he order, build and show her it before her birthday, which I was fuming enough about, I just went to pick it up and he's clearly given her it and she's been riding it!! WtF? 🤯

He's withheld the money from CM, this isn't a joint gift, it's all from me.

I can't speak to this man, dd1 doesn't see him because he's been abusive to her. Dd2 thinks the sun shines out his arse as he does stuff like this to keep her on side. I know I'm supposed to coparent and be mature but I really cannot stand any communication with this absolute arsehole! Do people manage to coparent no contact?

OP posts:
Original poster
yukkamumma · 13/02/2023 12:32

Bump

OP posts:
AnotherRandomMale · 13/02/2023 12:43

This particular incident couldn't have happened if you'd ordered and collected it yourself. First step is maybe to insulate yourself from his dickishness by conciously excluding him from "your side" of the parenting?

SpinningFloppa · 13/02/2023 12:49

sorry but why did he have the bike? I’m confused by that bit? Why didn’t you get it yourself or have it delivered? I would never ask my ex to do that so maybe it’s time to be less dependent on him then he can’t do those things?

taxpayer1 · 13/02/2023 13:06

If he is so bad why do you ask him to order the bike? It makes no sense.

Isheabastard · 13/02/2023 13:07

As others have said you need to change your mindset. Always assume the worst from him, and factor that in to all your decisions, so he can’t do this sort of thing again.

My STBXH is currently doing similar. We are using solicitors to discuss divorce, but texting about non divorce stuff. Except he can’t stop himself from texting me about how much money I’m spending. (I am so fucking frugal it’s a joke). My only next step is blocking him.

Original poster
yukkamumma · 13/02/2023 13:37

I didn't ask him to order it. She said she wanted it, he ordered it and told her to let me know he'd done it and he took the money off my cm for this month. He also went and bought her all the other bits I was going to get her like expensive trainers and clothes that she liked, gave her them and deducted that too. He spent over £500 on the clothes, the bike was 350 and I still need to go and buy her stuff to open now as he's spoiled all my surprises. Gone way over budget too 😤

OP posts:
SpinningFloppa · 13/02/2023 13:39

Contact cms

taxpayer1 · 13/02/2023 13:40

yukkamumma · 13/02/2023 13:37

I didn't ask him to order it. She said she wanted it, he ordered it and told her to let me know he'd done it and he took the money off my cm for this month. He also went and bought her all the other bits I was going to get her like expensive trainers and clothes that she liked, gave her them and deducted that too. He spent over £500 on the clothes, the bike was 350 and I still need to go and buy her stuff to open now as he's spoiled all my surprises. Gone way over budget too 😤

If you are going via CMS, he cannot do that. He still needs to pay for the maintenance.

Eastereggsboxedupready · 13/02/2023 13:42

Cms.
And no favours.. He isn't your friend.
And 350 for a bike is ridiculous unless dd is a teenager...

GoodChat · 13/02/2023 13:44

He can't withhold maintenance. That's completely separate from him doing you a favour.

Original poster
yukkamumma · 13/02/2023 13:52

She is a teenager and him keeping the money for the bike is ok, it's the fact he's given her my gift and she's been riding around in it for three weeks without my knowledge. I've picked it up to give to her tomorrow and it's covered in mud and clearly been well used. It wasn't his to give her.

OP posts:
Original poster
yukkamumma · 13/02/2023 13:53

This is just part of the issue that he's a controlling arse and I want nothing more to do with him. Difficult though with 2 dd under 14

OP posts:
Porkyporkchop · 13/02/2023 13:55

Go completely NC. Have a third party, friend or relative do drop off and he can pick up. Do your own gifts, and report any lack of child maintenance to the CMS immediately. It’s only a game if two people play it, so stop playing. Your other dd will soon realise he is a nut when he stops trying to weaponise her as you go nc.

RosaDeInvierno · 13/02/2023 13:55

yukkamumma · 13/02/2023 13:37

I didn't ask him to order it. She said she wanted it, he ordered it and told her to let me know he'd done it and he took the money off my cm for this month. He also went and bought her all the other bits I was going to get her like expensive trainers and clothes that she liked, gave her them and deducted that too. He spent over £500 on the clothes, the bike was 350 and I still need to go and buy her stuff to open now as he's spoiled all my surprises. Gone way over budget too 😤

He spent over £500 on the clothes, the bike was 350 and I still need to go and buy her stuff to open now as he's spoiled all my surprises. Gone way over budget too

No you dont, you tell him to give you the cm he owes you and then you buy her something in budget

Porkyporkchop · 13/02/2023 13:57

yukkamumma · 13/02/2023 13:37

I didn't ask him to order it. She said she wanted it, he ordered it and told her to let me know he'd done it and he took the money off my cm for this month. He also went and bought her all the other bits I was going to get her like expensive trainers and clothes that she liked, gave her them and deducted that too. He spent over £500 on the clothes, the bike was 350 and I still need to go and buy her stuff to open now as he's spoiled all my surprises. Gone way over budget too 😤

You don’t need to buy anything more. You just tell her she has had her gifts. Stop feeding into the games !

Tratjymp · 13/02/2023 13:57

When he orders something, let him pay for it.

drpet49 · 13/02/2023 13:59

Sounds like your daughter knows how to play him. I wouldn’t be buying her anymore presents.

Original poster
yukkamumma · 13/02/2023 14:00

He told her the clothes are just parental responsibility. I'm happy to but her normal clothes ehen she needs them from the high street but the trainers were £150 alone and the other stuff was high end like North Face etc, which I consider a gift.

So she would effectively wake up on her birthday to no gifts to open because he's a selfish git. I don't want her to feel disappointed on her birthday because of his games. I do get that I'm spoiling her to compensate, I just need rid of him 😮‍💨

OP posts:
GoodChat · 13/02/2023 14:03

If she's a teenager she's old enough for you to have a sensible conversation with her about this. She knows she's been riding round on the bike for 3 weeks. She knows the trainers were too expensive for a standard purchase.

CleaningOutMyCloset · 13/02/2023 14:20

First off all payments should go via cms, this way you can claim back payments he decides to deduct

Another way forward (depending how old she is), is to give her a clothing allowance, that way she's responsible for buying her own clothes out of her allowance, that way if he does buy her clothes, he can deduct the amount out of her allowance. He'll look like a shit dad if he does this, so no doubt won't do it.

As for things like the bike, talk to your dd and tell her to ask you for these things directly and not to go via her dad. She's old enough to raise this with her

CleaningOutMyCloset · 13/02/2023 14:21

Oh and no. Don't buy her anything else, she's had her gifts. If you 'really' need to give her something to open, a bar of chocolate or some smellies will do the trick

quietnightmare · 13/02/2023 14:34

Take the fact you believe his controlling out of it and actually he's spent a large amount on her rightly or wrongly to give her what she wants. Maybe he's buying her love or whatever his reasons he's made her happy. I get your frustration that you feel he's taken the limelight but this isn't about you. By all means go via cms just be prepared for him to then not buy her anything and say to you that any Cms you get he will insist he has paid his share. Do what you feel is best for your kids in this situation. If you can't sit him down and have an adult conversation with him then you need to prepare for having no extra help other than the cms. Have a look online at the calculator and check what your entitled too and weigh it up

Original poster
yukkamumma · 13/02/2023 15:01

@quietnightmare yeah what you're saying is all true but he's done it all with my money. If he wants to spoil her fine, he can carry on but if I'm spoiling her I at least want her to know it's from me...and yeah if I'm spending a small fortune in her birthday I do want to see the pleasure on her face.

OP posts:
quietnightmare · 13/02/2023 15:09

I wonder if you could come to an agreement of if he pays cms every month in full on the months where there is a birthday, xmas, school trip or something you could agree on the presents and pay half each? Something like that just a thought

quietnightmare · 13/02/2023 15:13

I wonder if you could come to an agreement of if he pays cms every month in full THEN on the months where there is a birthday, xmas, school trip or something you could agree on the presents and pay half each? Something like that just a thought

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