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Original poster

Contact after first date

71 replies

userab · 12/02/2023 22:51

Been on a first date tonight, seemed to go well chatted, laughed, no awkward silences etc, lots of eye contact smiling etc.

Bar staff came over to tell us it was last orders as they were closing at 9pm we stayed and carried on talking until close even though we both declined another drank as driving

When we left we just said it was really nice to meet each other and kid on cheek

We haven't exchanged numbers only contact is through dating app

When do guys generally texts these days ? I've had no message at all so wonder if that's a bad sign (he's 47 if that makes any difference)

OP posts:
Eatentoomanyroses · 13/02/2023 06:53

The same night if they like you. Anything after is a sliding scale of not that interested but you might be ok to pass the time.

Zanatdy · 13/02/2023 07:00

I’d drop him a quick message to say thanks for a lovely date. 2hrs later isn’t too late, neither is the next mornings. I recently started dating an ex colleague so we knew each other anyway (not as friends more colleagues who liked to chat) but first date he didn’t have my number but messaged me on work IM the next morning to say he had a great time and will let me know soon when he could get a babysitter for date 2. Then all the other dates (even now a few months on) he messages me as soon as I’ve left to say he had a great time etc. But doesn’t mean he’s not interested - he might be wary of appearing overly keen. Sounds like it went very well though

Eatentoomanyroses · 13/02/2023 07:04

Horrible advice on here about texting first. Never do this. It looks very desperate. You thank them on the date of they’ve paid. No need for anything more.

Nothighgaprequired · 13/02/2023 07:07

Very old fashioned, I know, but my view is if they don’t message that evening, it’s a no go from me. I know it’s 2023 and i’m perfectly capable of getting my self home, I just expect the tx, hope you got home ok lovely night etc.

Musicaltheatremum · 13/02/2023 07:09

Just text. Texting first doesn't make you desperate and if they are interested they will come back whether or not you or he texts first. . He might think you're not interested if you don't text. I sent my now husband 3 texts after our first date as soon as I got through the door and once he'd got home (he was driving) he immediately replied.

AceofPentacles · 13/02/2023 07:17

After 3 years of online dating, the interested ones text within 12 hours. Any people I've texted first never went far . It's a code isn't it? People saying text first don't understand dating code.

Waiohwai · 13/02/2023 07:33

Fucking hell... slightly gobsmacked at these responses. I went on a first date on Saturday afternoon. Had a lovely time, but date ended slightly awkwardly and nothing was said about a next date. So when I got home I sent a quick message saying I'd enjoyed myself and would love to meet again if he was interested. No over thinking or game playing, just wanted to be clear to him, and find out if he felt similarly. He responded a little while later to say he would love to meet again, and we've now arranged to do so later in the week. Why on earth wouldn't anyone do that? We're both early 50s.

Waiohwai · 13/02/2023 07:41

AceofPentacles · 13/02/2023 07:17

After 3 years of online dating, the interested ones text within 12 hours. Any people I've texted first never went far . It's a code isn't it? People saying text first don't understand dating code.

Don't understand dating code or perhaps don't want to buy into the sexist bollocks that says women need to be passive in these situations...

heartbroken40 · 13/02/2023 07:41

@Waiohwai you've set the tone for the relationship- now even if it continues it will be you having to do the work and drag if forward. If that's what you want, great. If not, I would find a more proactive man. Good luck anyway

Gremlin574 · 13/02/2023 07:46

motherofkevinnotperry · 13/02/2023 04:08

This morning. Just a quick message thanks for last night. Really enjoyed it, let me know if you're interested in meeting up again.

Then leave it.

He IS telling her whether he's interested or not as the case may be by asking or not asking for another date. It's not rocket science!

Even giving the man the benefit of the doubt and he doesn't want to rush to a second date, if he wants a second date, the OP will know about it.

Don't follow this PPs advice, OP.

Waiohwai · 13/02/2023 07:50

heartbroken40 · 13/02/2023 07:41

@Waiohwai you've set the tone for the relationship- now even if it continues it will be you having to do the work and drag if forward. If that's what you want, great. If not, I would find a more proactive man. Good luck anyway

By that logic, the women who wait for the man to communicate are setting the tone for a different kind of relationship... I don't think there has been any asymmetry in terms of who's been proactive at different times.

motherofkevinnotperry · 13/02/2023 08:11

Gremlin574 · 13/02/2023 07:46

He IS telling her whether he's interested or not as the case may be by asking or not asking for another date. It's not rocket science!

Even giving the man the benefit of the doubt and he doesn't want to rush to a second date, if he wants a second date, the OP will know about it.

Don't follow this PPs advice, OP.

Show quote history

🤣 oh ok then 🙄. Typical Mumsnet! Don't do anything op because apparently all men make the move and make it really clear and if they don't then sod them 🤔😂. None of them are shy, feel uncomfortable, had their fingers burned or misunderstand female signals (she didn't offer me her phone number, she can't possibly be interested. She didn't text to say she enjoyed my company, she mustn't be keen) 🤔😂.

Wasn't there a whole book written about Mars Vs Venus. If it's not spelt out in neon flashing letters some don't see it.

Oopsiedaisyy · 13/02/2023 08:39

Planets aside...

It shouldn't be this difficult I don't think. It it's right between you then you already know where you stand, there would be no confusion... A date would have been discussed as you parted

Met bf from tinder, had dinner, little peck and "when can I see you again?"

Good night text, and no confusion, no worry. In fact i remember thinking how does this seem so easy this time? No anxiously waiting for a message?

Thisisworsethananticpated · 13/02/2023 09:03

I know it’s 2023 and yada yada

but some elements of gender are never going to change , and men chasing a bit are one of those elements

as a general rule - if they like you’ll know about it
and they don’t seem to mind chasing either

Original poster
userab · 13/02/2023 09:22

Really mixed views, thinking about it we didn't discuss another date or seeing each other again at all, in past usually that comes up if it's going to happen

I think I'm more with the not texting first after a date, I know it's 2023 but think some things don't change

OP posts:
Oddbobbyboo · 13/02/2023 09:52

Best thing to do is to ask yourself.... do you want to see him again? If you do message x

Pointless wondering x could be the best thing you'll do today xx

niugboo · 13/02/2023 11:20

I am not on board at all with all this you’re there to be chased nonsense. And if that’s what a man wants, a silly little woman waiting around for him to click his fingers he’s not for me.

but.

You didn’t exchange numbers or discuss a follow up. For those two reasons I would put this in a nice evening category and move on.

SleepySlumber · 13/02/2023 11:45

If you didn’t swap numbers to me that’s a big sign that he’s not that bothered about moving forward already. Much easier to just unmatch on the app and have zero contact again than swap numbers and have another WhatsApp person you aren’t sure about. Also never a good sign when they won’t even give you their number - maybe he didn’t want his wife/gf to find out.

Tbh if he was feeling it he’d have contacted you. He was probably hoping that staying til last orders meant he was going to get lucky that night and when he didn’t he just gave up.

After 6 years of OD (been in a relationship a year now) I’ve had my experience of men like this but also if I wasn’t interested I never talked about meeting again and never messaged them post date.

Id personally leave it and get busy chatting to men who want my number and contact me straight after a first date to say how great it was/that they can’t wait to see me again. Wouldn’t surprise me if at some point he comes back with a “hey, how are you?” In a month when his other options have dried up but hopefully by then you’ll realise he’s not worth it and be meeting other people.

winterbegone · 13/02/2023 12:19

Unless you really want to see him again, I'd message I had a nice time, but tbh if a man's interested he would of asked for your number or messaged you by now.

GoodChat · 13/02/2023 12:23

winterbegone · 13/02/2023 12:19

Unless you really want to see him again, I'd message I had a nice time, but tbh if a man's interested he would of asked for your number or messaged you by now.

He probably thinks the same - that if she wants to see him again she'll message him.

For all she knows the last woman he went on a date with told him he was too full on.

OP do you want to see him again? If so, tell him so. The worst he can do is reject you but that's better than not knowing.

Johnisafckface · 13/02/2023 12:51

heartbroken40 · 13/02/2023 06:43

I've done enough OLD to know that if they don't message they are not interested. I absolutely hate the argument "it's 2023, you message him" or "maybe he's wondering too. Nope, he's not wondering, a 47 year old will message if he wants to see you again.

The keen ones message within an hour. Keep dating please, he's not the one if he doesn't message

This. I’ve done lots of online dating and the ones that are really interested text quite soon after the date, usually right after or the next morning.

the ones I’ve reached out to first never replied or set up another date because they obviously weren’t feeling it.

Minikievs · 13/02/2023 13:02

Totally agree with both @Johnisafckface and @heartbroken40
Am mid 40s, and done more than my fair share of OLD.
I do wonder if the posters who are so dead set on it being fine for you to text first, and are positively encouraging it, have actually done any OLD, particularly in recent years.

I wouldn't text. My BF (who I met OLD) text me within 2 hours of getting home after our first date to say he had a great time and he'd love to see me again. It set the tone and he's a keeper.

heartbroken40 · 13/02/2023 13:04

@minikievs exactly THIS! mine texted within 10 minutes so I made a joke on how keen he sounded. And he confirmed it! Also late 40s man. It's really that simple: if they really like you, they won't wait!

NCMum79 · 13/02/2023 13:48

The rule about texting exists for good reason and anyone who's done enough modern dating knows why. The sexes are different irrespective of what century it is. Men, testosterone, and sex drive. I know i'm painting broad strokes #notallmen blah blah. But, it is a truism i've seen time and again. If you text them first - they will OFTEN reply, they will often agree to another date, they will often do this if you initiate, no skin off their nose, no need to do all the legwork. This does not mean they are legitimately interested in you. Women, by and large are not like this, they won't just go along with another date on the off-chance they might have sex but they are disinterested in the person
.
Usual caveat...some men are shy. Some men just got held up and waited to text etc.

Shockedandworridbythistunt · 13/02/2023 14:01

Interested in this - could be a topic of conversation on the date