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Original poster

Unhappy with DP's drinking after a year. Is there any coming back?

31 replies

navynailvarnish1 · 12/02/2023 22:30

DP and I have been together for a year. I'm 31 so conscious that time is not on my side. We are so well suited in so many ways and my family and friends really like him.

He's just such a big drinker and I hate it. Yesterday he started drinking at 1pm because we were due to meet friends at the pub at 2 Hmm

I used to think that it doesn't affect him but it does. There's stages to it. Last weekend he had 6 beers on the one night and couldn't even follow the plot of the film we were watching by the sixth.

I brought it up before with him and he reined it in, but I don't want to have this argument every six months for the rest of my life.

OP posts:
mummabubs · 12/02/2023 22:34

I think sadly your gut on this is probably right. Would he be able to listen calmly if you were to explain how alcohol affects him and in turn how that makes you feel? That when he's had that much to drink he might be physically present with you, but emotionally he's not? It's a pretty lonely space for you to be in.

I think it would be completely fair for you to explain that if he's going to continue to want to behave like this then it's his choice, but you're not sure you'd want to be there to handle the fallout every time.

Fmlgirl · 12/02/2023 22:37

You have plenty of time. Met my fiancé at 37, now expecting my first baby at 38, soon to be 39. You are much younger and have plenty of time to move on and find someone more suitable.

Nsky62 · 12/02/2023 22:41

Unless he wants to change he won’t

Original poster
navynailvarnish1 · 12/02/2023 22:41

He just doesn't see it as problematic. His friends and brother are very similar, whereas I come from a 'special occasions' only type of family.

OP posts:
Beachsidesunset · 12/02/2023 22:44

Please, for the love of God, don't inflict a drinker on your future children. He either gets help now, or you end the relationship.

GrumpyPanda · 12/02/2023 22:49

My family weren't "special occasions", more like a regular couple of glasses of wine with dinner, but I agree this is way too much. Not sure you can build a partnership on this foundation.

LorenzoVonMatterhorn · 12/02/2023 22:53

Yeah id move on. If he started drinking an hour before he was meeting people for drinks, he is using alcohol to self medicate. Dont waste any more time on him.

Aquamarine1029 · 12/02/2023 22:57

I think it's very concerning that you haven't already left. You know is drinking is a massive problem yet you're still with him. You should be sprinting for the hills by now.

Pollywoddles · 12/02/2023 22:57

Don’t settle because you think time is not on your side, it’s a piss poor reason to tie yourself to someone who’s behaviour troubles you.

Google the sunk cost fallacy.

Justmeandthedog1 · 12/02/2023 22:58

Yesterday he started drinking at 1pm because we were due to meet friends at the pub at 2 Hmm

This is the bit that stands out to me. When they start drinking before, and because, they’re going to meet people later it’s not good news. It’s an indication of not being able to cope with a situation without alcohol. And it spreads to every situation.
Just my experience of 5 years of living with an alcoholic.
You can suggest AA but honestly, I’d say leave now.

Original poster
navynailvarnish1 · 12/02/2023 22:58

Thank you. I feel so sad but you're right.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 12/02/2023 22:59

You should end it right now, tonight. Every second with him is just wasted time.

userxx · 12/02/2023 22:59

Beachsidesunset · 12/02/2023 22:44

Please, for the love of God, don't inflict a drinker on your future children. He either gets help now, or you end the relationship.

Words of wisdom.

Cheesandcrackers · 12/02/2023 23:13

Unfortunately sounds like he'll justify drinking with any excuse. This might change but it won't be easy. And you ll have to concentrate on a child rather than him so it LL be twice as hard....

StartupRepair · 12/02/2023 23:17

Imagine life if you don't feel safe leaving a baby with him, or explaining to children that Dad gets in funny moods with shouting sometimes.

BatshitCrazyWoman · 13/02/2023 07:14

OP, it's horrendous extricating yourself from a marriage to a drinker much further down the line, after children have been born. My advice is to get out now. Part of wanting to be a mother is surely choosing the best possible father for your future children, surely? This guy isn't it.

Zanatdy · 13/02/2023 07:18

I’ve got friends like this. They are mid 40’s now with children and one grandchildren but their whole life revolves around drink. They drink to excess and just think it’s normal as most of the people in their life do the same. I used to drink a lot more than I do now (special occasions only, never drink at home apart from an odd nightcap at Christmas) and I used to think people who didn’t drink must have sad life’s. I don’t think my friends will ever change, neither will your boyfriend. Why would he need to drink an hour beforehand like a teenager who wants to get tanked up first? My 18yr old son does that at Uni to save money in the pub!

AttilaTheMeerkat · 13/02/2023 07:36

His primary relationship is with drink, not you and it’s never been with you either.

and at 31 your childbearing years are by no means over yet. Don’t waste yet more time Niebuhr on this alcoholic that you are further developing a codependent relationship with.

gerispringer · 13/02/2023 07:44

You are enabling his behaviour by putting up with it. You need a proper discussion when he’s sober. If he doesn’t take it seriously as in its “me or the booze” then time to move on. It will only get worse. Reining it in isn’t the answer.

Original poster
navynailvarnish1 · 13/02/2023 07:58

Honestly I was sickened by the pre drinking.

OP posts:
ItchyBillco · 13/02/2023 08:01

navynailvarnish1 · 13/02/2023 07:58

Honestly I was sickened by the pre drinking.

It’s a sort of giddy gluttonous excitement at the prospect of going out drinking, that they start slinging them down their neck beforehand. It’s acceptable to them. I too, have been sickened by it.

PeonyRose80 · 13/02/2023 08:07

I am 14 years down the line, run.. just run.

WTF475878237NC · 13/02/2023 08:08

As he doesn't see a problem with it, he'll make it your future children's problem. Please don't be scared into staying with him because you're over 30!

AttilaTheMeerkat · 13/02/2023 08:15

The 3cs of alcoholism are you did not cause this, you cannot control this and you cannot cure this.

This from him is not going to get any better for you. His primary relationship is with drink.

The only talking you should do now is to tell him it’s over between you and he. Talking to an alcoholic about their drinking is about as effective an action as peeing in the ocean.

lucya66 · 13/02/2023 08:18

Only leave your partner if there’s a good reason to. That you have determined. He doesn’t sound like a lost cause to me from what you’ve described.

if he has a beer before the pub, it’s questionable definitely but not necessarily the worst thing in the world. Some people just like to take the edge off with it. you were meeting people at 2pm so he started an hour before. I would be more concerned if it was his intention to get bladdered before 2pm.

help him see why it’s important to you in a non judgey way. you say you get on with him other than this.

Alcohol is a horrible addictive poison and maybe he can come off it or become a special occasion drinker like you.

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