Married 5 years - Husband wants to be a vicar

[KM8]

Married for 5 years and my husband since we got married has become more involved with our local church. He recently took a new job at the city church too and has just told me he wants to go into training to become a vicar. We have a 2 year old and I feel that I don’t share the same passion of God that he does. I’ve told him how I feel already consumed by church and this will only become greater once he is a vicar. I don’t want our child to move schools and where we live and I feel that this is an enormous commitment for the whole family.
Are there any vicars wife’s out there who I could talk to about this? Am I being unreasonable or am I right to say my reservations about this?

You have to be honest about it. There are particular pressures on vicars and their spouses. It needs to be a mutual decision. I don't think he'd get through all the discernment stuff without your support.

Try on the religion pages. You'll see some vicars there that will know a bit about it. If I can remember any names I'll come back and tag them.

Yes this defo needs to be a decision you make together , being a vicar is more of a calling than a job and requires commitment from both of you for it to be successful.

Not a vicars wife but I don't think you're being unreasonable, the vicars wife is generally expected to also show commitment and involvement into whatever church her other half is serving and it is a big commitment. I think the impact of moving with a child is definitely something that warrants lots of discussion between you. I know ministers children who have adapted very well to a lifestyle that involved a number of moves and new schools and new friendships, and I know a lot who have really struggled and it's affected their mental wellbeing so it's something I think you'd need to have a good plan for supporting your dd with even though she's tiny now. Would he feel fulfilled in other roles in the church like youth ministry or would there be the possibility of staying within a particular area or serving for a long time in one place? Would you be more comfortable in your own home than a manse or would you rather keep a holiday home to have as a backup should he leave the ministry? I fully promote supporting each other in career progression but in my mind it needs to work for the whole family or at least you need to be sure you won't feel grudgingly towards him if you go with it because I imagine it will be difficult initially to integrate into a new community/ home etc. It's also worth looking at the impact on your career if you work, are you flexible enough that you could work anywhere or from home or would you struggle to find work? It sounds like he needs to at least slow down and have further chats with you to see how it would look in reality and if it would work for your family or not. As a Christian I think sometimes we can feel guilt tripped almost if you don't feel able to drop everything to support such an inclination, but your feelings and needs are also valid. I'd also want to know what he feels he will get from being a vicar that he can't do now or in another role in the church or in a voluntary capacity?

Hello, you appear to be me!

To be fair to dh he had been thinking about whether he was called to ordination since he was about 16, but had dismissed it/been put off so it did come as a bit of a shock when so far as I was concerned he announced out of the blue (from my point of view) that he would like to pursue it at 32!

Long story short, I expressed reservations (we also had a small child and had just decided that we’d like to get started on number 2), I was also feeling rather disillusioned with my own faith at the time, so we spent extra time talking and thinking, and the diocese were supportive and provided people for me to talk to as well. I prayed a lot too. He did go forward for selection, we sold our house and moved for training and then have moved again to the other end of the country for his curacy and first incumbency adding two extra children as we went. And you know what, it has been fine, God has been with us, and whilst it’s not always perfect he sees more of the kids than he did when he was commuting every day, he is happy in his job even if church life can be infuriating at times and I don’t doubt that we did the right thing for all of us, even if that felt totally unlikely the first time he mentioned it!

feel free to pm if it would help.

I'm not a vicars wife, but am religious. The way I see it is that your husband has made a commitment to marriage first. Your marriage is his first "calling" and so you must be on the same page about this. You are right to have reservations because this is not what you signed up to when you got married and as such, needs to be a joint decision. Taking on a Parish when he already has a wife and family is another big commitment. You should have a say.

I wouldnt like the upheaval for the kids twice - going to train and then curacy and the potentially a third time.

I still think its a bit cushy financially/time wise for school runs though etc.

You need to be honest with him. Him choosing to do it is one thing but all of the upheaval involved would be the same as if he wanted to do any job with the same sacrifices - it would need to be a mutual agreement, even aside from the religious aspect.

I know someone whose partner trained and is now a vicar. The wife is not apart of the church at all and does not fulfil the usual vicars wife duties. She shows her face occasionally but has her own job and spectate interests.

A friend of my Dad’s felt he was called to ministry and went through selection and ordination training. The day before his ordination, his wife said she couldn’t go through with it. I am inclined to think that if you have serious reservations, you need to put them on the table now so that you and he can consider how to go forwards together.

he cannot just decide to be a vicar and go do a course in vicaring.
it's not like that.
it is regarded s a vocation.
he needs to go through a process of discernment and be selected for ministry by his church authorities before he can even start the training.
which continues the discernment, and is not merely academic or passing exams.
he has to be recommended and approved at every stage.
part of that process will usually involve interviewing you too.
his family life must pass muster too.
so there are many stages and hurdles to get through.
and the pay is very bad.
good luck.

This. One guy who is a vicar has a wife who is a lecturer and she just continues with her job and has little involvement. He did move parish but it was still viable for her to continue her job and she is very successful at it.
Another woman is a vicar and we hardly know her dh and funnily enough no one expects anything from him. I don't attend her church but hear lots of people love her and l never heard even one complaint that her dh is not helping out or even religious by the looks of it.
It's a shock but might be workable depending on your own work situation, whether it would mean moving away from family support or whether dh is happy for you not to get very involved.

My dad is a vicar, it was a terrible experience being a vicars child. Moving house repeatedly, new schools all the time, everyone knowing who you are, honestly I hated it. My dad is lovely- this is just about the job and its effect on family life.

I don't have a religious bone in my body, so I can't say anything useful, except Best Wishes, sorting it all out x

It is possible to be married to a priest and insist your boundary of not being an extension of a vicar is respected. Not all priests have a parish. Mine is an SSM and bishops advisor. He laughed at the stipend compared to his annual salary so he is an SSM and attached to a parish and gives 20 plus hours per week to the wider church. He works in a secular position so it’s a very full on six days out of seven. Deployability makes the biggest difference between stipendary and none stipendary roles. If you cannot bear to leave your home and move you need to be upFront and be honest over that. In our case juggling a DD under ortho oncology (benign tumours but very painful needing surgery) and one at a very very special school made me go no way are you in shape or form deployable because I have to stay here for the kids.

You are allowed to raise concerns and ask hard questions. You can speak with the DDO if you feel you are being ignored. Even now I still have reservations because I have a realistic idea of what the demands of priesthood involve. I am not involved with his church as my vocation is very different and I therefore I serve in a different parish. As far as schools it’s the transition into secondary you need to watch. Primary is more flexible than secondary. Clergy friends have moved freely till their children are in year 5 then tried to stay in the same area so their children do not have to try and move secondary school.

Do you have an absolute faith Op. The pay is terrible. The houses are often awful. The expectations of achieving standards others are not held to is enormous. And when he retires you will have to move away from the area to allow the new vicar and their family to become part of the community. One of our neighbours was a vicar. He had a total breakdown because of the expectation put on him . I imagine that without an absolute faith it would be very hard to put up with all of this. The Church of England is also losing congregations at an alarming rate.Our local vicar oversees 6 tiny churches because each one only has a handful of parishioners. Once they have all died there will be no young people to replace them. The church in our nearest town is being repurposed after the vicar went to prison for sexual offences against children in the parish.

The pay is terrible and the houses are often big and poorly insulated. You'll need a second income to survive. There's also an increasing push for non stipendiary ministry as the church doesn't have much money.. Working every weekend is also tough. But being a clergy child has many good points. They learn a lot about life and community. Musings of a clergy child by Nell Goddard is a good book.

My dad was a vicar, and I am now married to one. Experiences from my own childhood mean I'm better placed to ensure my own children's happiness than my mother was, such as choosing to home educate and living a distance from the parish. The process of discernment and training is long, and really, you should be on the same page as your husband, or he's unlikely to be recommended for training. Talk to him.

The current vicar in our parish retired from another parish and moved to Wales. God apparently called him to our village and he bought a house. The church authorities were delighted to appoint him because he didn't need to live in the vicarage that they had very quickly rented out after the last vicar left. They don't pay him and his wife very much at all. I am not religious but I have had many dealings with the C of E in my job. I would not want my life to be decided by any of the people I have met.

My dad was a vicar and my brother now is too. I hated it. We didn't move around as much as @CrapBucket by the sounds of it, but everyone knowing who I was (in church, in school, about town as it was a small place) was awful. When I see the burden of work my brother is handling and the impact it has on his family, I'm just so glad I've been able to choose a secular life for myself and my family, even though I'm still a believer (probably not as orthodox as some would like, but as no one is watching me now, it doesn't matter 😊). I think that whether you want to engage with it or not, there are expectations of vicars' wives and families, and it will take a certain amount of energy to be fighting that off if that's what you want. So it will impact you whether you are a "proper vicar's wife" or not. It's like being a vicar's kid, there's a role people expect of you whether you want/like it or not. I would really make sure your dh knows and understands what your feelings are about it before you make a joint decision about his ordination. It can be a wonderful journey of faith for some families but I don't think it's ever easy.

What would he say if you suddenly decided to become a sex worker?

This feels like a selfish and unilateral act. How did he bring this up with you? "How would you feel if our family situation changed dramatically?" or "I want to be a vicar"? As a married man, the effect on you and his family should be his first concern.

Feeling "consumed by church" is not a great start. It already sounds like his hobby is putting unhealthy demands on you.

I'm not a vicars wife but I don't think you are being unreasonable to express concerns as it is as more of a lifestyle than a job, its a big commitment.
My cousin is married yo a vicar and although she us a Christian she doesn't attend all services or church social things, she has set up boundaries she's comfortable with, it does seem to take up most of her DHs time though, it's a big commitment.
He managed to stay in local area they live on outskirts of a large city so although he's moved parishes ( CofE) the children stayed in same schools even though they moved houses a few times, they kept their own house to rent out.

It's possible to be married to a priest and not be drawn into the "vicar's wife" role. But the things that are inescapable are the hardship of the low pay, the disruption from constantly moving, the poverty that can ensue in retirement if you don't plan carefully enough so you can buy your own home. And so on.

Marriage is a vocation too - he chose that first and you have every right to speak up about your reservations.

I’d really struggle with this.

What about a regular, very part time commitment to the workings of the church instead? I think he should be prepared to compromise.

It’s many years ago but I lived in a prosperous rural parish where the vicar had been a PR consultant in London of many years before he had a calling and became a vicar. His poor wife was transplanted from London to a community where she was expected to organise the church flowers and be nice to everyone and their long-winded uncle. She was very snippy and I don’t blame her, poor thing. Hopefully attitudes towards the spouses of priests has changed somewhat, women priests will have helped as God forbid a MAN should suffer the indignity of being considered the handmaid of vicar and the parish. It’s a choice that has a huge impact on any partner and children and I can’t see many (any) positives.

Sorry but my marriage would be over if my DH decided to be a vicar. I’m ok with him being religious but I’m not and certainly wouldn’t be going to church or doing the things a vicars wife does. I also wouldn’t be moving into the houses they provide.

I don't even mind the idea of this for myself so much as I'd be happy with a role of offering support to parishioners as the wife. In my observation, often the wife plays a bit of a pastoral role as well. On the other hand, it is a 24/7 thing with people dying, being sick, all manner of human issues. Then there's the economic sacrifice involved. Difficult parishioners. Moves. I think you really need to both be on board for this kind of lifestyle. That you're already feeling you're giving too much to his church involvement doesn't sound great to me.