Apologies in advance.

[AnonAnonAnonnnn]

This may be the ramblings of a mad woman (had a bottle of wine) but I will try my best to keep it at a minimum and also concise..

In bed with dh, have been cuddling, half asleep half awake. Starts pushing his dick against me and I tell him...how many times have I told you..if you want sex all you have to to is strike my leg a little? Give me a kiss? Some fucking foreplay. Even just 2 minutes and all be interested. But pushing your dick into me when I'm trying to kip is not gonna do anything.

He comes back with..this talk just makes me soft. When you're moaning at me.

I'm not even moanin. Im trying to communicate. Which is what you're supposed to do in relationships. I've told him for years now. Had heart to hearts about all this kind of stuff when it comes to sex but he just goes on like in nagging and I'm really not. I just dont understand why he doesnt ever listen.

I wasnt a bitch about it. Telling him get the fuck off me or anything like that. I made it obvious I was open to sex from the begging of the night but he seems to think that unless he get what he wants. His way. Then there is a problem.

I cant live my life like this. I'm not hiding and expecting him to guess what I want. 2 minutes of foreplay is too much for him. Cant be bothered. Uggghhhh

That was neither concise or un-rambling but I hope someone out there understands. I really would like the comfort of my partner right now but u less I get back into bed with a sweet smile and an apology I'll get the cold shoulder. Sofa for me tonight.

I'd be telling him to get on the sofa personally! He's not respecting your boundaries and obviously he just wants to get his jollys on and fuck u basically (literally) no no no!! Tell him to get lost.
You've already spoke to him about it and he's basically ignoring you. It's disrespectful.

Sofa sounds better than the alternative.

Once sober & awake, have one last conversation about the sex side of things. Unless there's full understanding and things change, I'd make separate sleeping arrangements permanent.

One boyfriend used to wake me for sex even though I told multiple times I hated that... so I started to stand up sharpish, pillow in hands and off to the box room without a word.
Obviously, the whole relationship didn't last long anyway.

@Kate8990 yeah basically. Unless everything goes his way then he cant be bothered to put in any effort. He makes me out to be hysterical and nagging bitch. I'm not. I just want him to listen. What man doesnt want to touch thier woman and please them? I had done the same. Tmi but stroking/touching etc before I fell asleep. I fell asleep because he was lying there doing fuck all expecting to be serviced like hes paying me ffs.

@QueenCamilla Nothing will change. We have had this talk so many times and I have told him. You want more sex? Just try concentrating on me for once and doing what i like instead of trying to stick it straight in or push my head down ffs. It's not that I dont tell him. He just doesnt want to listen.

Oh and hes snoring his head off now anyway. Doesnt give a fuck that Jim upset and try to come to a resolution just turn over and go to sleep cause who cares if your partner is upset

@AnonAnonAnonnnn No he sounds really selfish and lazy in bed. Tell him if he doesn't want to put the effort in he knows where the door is. That's what I'd do. He's basically gaslighting u making you out to be hysterical when you just want basic stuff like foreplay and some tenderness. Tell him to stop being a selfish twat and this is his last chance. Don't stand for it xx

@Kate8990 Thank you. You're right that I need to be honest to myself instead of pretending everything is ok just because it is most of the time. I can't have a happy relationship with someone who needs telling all this. Must I guide him through everything and tell him how he should feel? Why doesnt it come naturally? Because he thinks "I'll just leave her alone for a few days and then she'll come round" No point in sorting out your problems. Just ignore them for as long as possible.

I dont expect a reply btw. Just getting all my thoughts down. It feels good. I should start a diary really.

@AnonAnonAnonnnn I have an app called Day one..and it's so useful if I need to vent. It's completely free as well. It's basically a diary.
You definitely deserve better. A quick shag all the time is good for him but crap for you. There needs to be more intimacy. Feel free to vent on here 😊 although I definitely need some sleep. Just didn't want to leave u upset x

@Kate8990 arent you sweet :) Thank you for keeping me company x Get some rest. Youve reminded me I should probably sleep also. Off for get a pint of water first Oh and I'll che k that out. Thanks for the recommendation :))

Have you bluntly asked him why he's ok with being a shit shag? No man wants it pointed out to him that he's bad in bed, but if you do point it out he might be more inclined to try. If he's genuinely ok with being shit in bed I don't know what to tell you, bit late to say don't marry him.

@AnonAnonAnonnnn Hope you're feeling ok today x

Have a look into self validation, @AnonAnonAnonnnn

Currently and historically you have waited and waited and waited for him to hear you. Why? You know what you think. You know how you feel. You know he's not changing or even trying to you. You know you don't want this.

Why isn't all this enough to convince you to act?

He comes back with..this talk just makes me soft.

Print what you said onto cards and reach into your nightstand and hand him one next time he ‘forgets’. On a serious note, his wants are his priority and he clearly doesn’t want that to change, base your next move/s with that in mid.

I'm so sorry he is showing you no respect at such at intimate time. My concern here is, does he know for certain that you consented to sex or does he assume? Its blurring the lines of rape tbh.

How are you generally in your relationship? Is everything equal in chores, and money. How does he react if you ever say no, whether its going out or holidays etc?

@Kate8990 I'm ok this morning. Neither angry or sad. I'm not anything really. Other than feeling a bit defeated in having to resign myself to the fact he will never be what I want him to be. I want reciprocity but I dont want to have to constantly ask for it.

Thank you for listening to my garbled stream of consciousness last night 😁

Oh poor you op
He basically sounds like he's using you as a wank accessory. You deserve better

I really wish I knew the answer to those questions. Why has it not been enough for me to really do something about it before?

Probably because I calm down and things pick up for a while. Then he slips back into this lazy sex routine and I put up with it for a bit until I can't anymore.

This is not a relationship it’s just a coupling for his convenience. And it’s not all about sec it’s about respect and care and appreciation and value.

please- you deserve so much more

He has always been selfish but the good has outweighed the bad. This is a real sticking point for me though.
I'm not asking too much. I'm communicating clearly what I want but it doesn't compute. Or it does but he doesn't care.

We didn't have sex. I was drifting in and out and woke to him pulling my knickers off (I had been touching him just before I fell asleep so he would have known I was open to sex) which is when I told him "how many times have I said if you want sex just please pay me some attention" and he made those comments and turned over with his back facing me.

Our relationship is an equal one. The main issue being he cannot accept any criticism. If I'm upset it's because I'm overreacting. Not because of anything he has done.

Sorry to read this OP, he sounds awful and selfish. It's absolutely not unreasonable for you to be asking for a couple of minutes of foreplay - if nothing else, it can be extremely painful for you without being turned on first. And he doesn't give a shit about that.

Has he ever made you cum? Has he ever made the effort to get you turned on? If so, he knows what to do and he's being selfish. If he hasn't, he's a truly shit lover who doesn't want to learn and pleasure you. As proven by the fact you've told him what you need.

Examine other areas of your relationship, ask yourself if his wants always come first elsewhere.

It's because you don't give what you think and feel enough importance.

2 things:

1, What do you want to happen, if him not changing is a given?
2, Where did you learn to give your feelings so little importance? This usually happens in childhood. Were your feelings made to feel important when you were little? Or did you have to suck it up, because of something else being more important, like an ill parent, arguing parents, addicted parent, demanding or ill sibling, or something else? Did your parents value each others' feelings? Or did one parent have to suck it up and suffer because the other was overbearing? If this was your example, that's what you'll live by now. There's lots of places/times this can come from. My parents argued a lot and it scared me, and then I went into my adult life having partners I had scary arguments with (usually drunk, just like mum and dad) That's what we do. Monkey see, monkey do.

I'm pretty sure that your husband disregards your feelings in other situations than in the bedroom? Maybe I'm wrong, but if he doesn't care about your feelings, that's not his penis making that decision, that's a personality trait/behaviour choice. You're probably feeling totally unheard and disrespected, and that's why you're here asking strangers to back you up, because by now, anybody validating you will help.

But you can learn to do it for yourself. I did it in my 40s, it's life changing.

I'm sorry if I'm on the wrong track, but he just doesn't sound very caring about your feelings.

Read my username

What's in this relationship for you?

My ex husband used to treat me like rubbish out of the bedroom and then expected me to be turned on in the bedroom that doesn't work

Sexual relationships need to be mutually satisfying
Talk to him sober and calmly about how you feel

The main issue being he cannot accept any criticism. If I'm upset it's because I'm overreacting. Not because of anything he has done.

Does he ever apologise when he is wrong? Does he shout you down? Is your relationship only good if you bury your own wants and desires? I thought my relationship was good until I realised it was only good if I agreed with him over everything, including TV programmes. Everytime I disagreed (even wanting to watch a different film) he talked loudly over me until I either agreed that he might have a point, or I changed the subject because it wasn't that important. It took me years to see this wasn't normal. Last week he shouted at me for not listening to him when actually his comment didn't make logical sense. I dared to question instead of immediately accepting. I appreciate I might be projecting here but it is worth you looking carefully at your whole relationship and how you respond to him and his wants.

He is completely unselfish in all other aspects of sex. It's just the beforehand. He goes hands straight down my pants which to me is not foreplay. Dry fanny rub anyone? 🤢

He spends longer doing that to get me to the point of being ready than if he just stroked my back or my leg, a kiss on my neck. Y'know...a bit of tenderness.

When we are lying in bed together I'm attentive and will touch him, stroke his hair etc but he will only do this once I'm excited enough to want sex. If he did to me a fraction of what I do to him, I'd jump on him within 5 minutes. I've told him this many times before. In one ear. Out the other.