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Original poster

Have you ever broken someone’s heart?

28 replies

Lulu2525 · 12/02/2023 00:32

Hi everyone, I suppose by posting here I’m looking for a little bit of a hand hold and to feel not alone, and to feel like this is okay.

Basically, I started seeing a guy 5 months ago and we’ve been officially together for 2 months. He is amazing, he is so thoughtful, kind, funny, we get on so well, he’s gorgeous… all the things I thought I wanted in a man. But the thing is, I’m just not feeling it. I don’t feel the ‘spark’. I really do care about him, but I just don’t have the feelings that I’ve felt for previous partners, and I don’t feel how I should feel. I know I shouldn’t have let it carry on this long, but I was just hoping that the deep feelings and deep connection would come as he is so perfect - but they haven’t.

I’m 28 years old, and even though I know I’m still young, I do want to have a family etc and I know that I shouldn’t be ‘wasting time’ with someone who isn’t for me. Even though he genuinely does make me happy, it just doesn’t feel right.

I know I need to break things off, and it will hurt me but also I feel so bad about how much I will hurt him. I know how much he cares about me and he sees a future with me, we’ve never argued etc and so it will be very out of the blue for him. I don’t know how to do it and I’ve never actually broken up with anyone before; I’ve always been the one who got dumped. I feel so awful.

Have any of you here ever broken up with a really great guy? How did you do it and how do you deal with the guilt?

OP posts:
WinterFoxes · 12/02/2023 00:39

Be really honest - why is the spark not there? is he actually not that perfect? Do you never chat for hours or end up in fits of giggles together? Is life together quite dull - do you share passions and enjoy exploring things together or do you sit around watching TV and going to the supermarket?

If it's just a bit dull, fine. But if it's actually really fun and you have great laughs and chats, then you could be used to feeling an edginess that comes from feeling insecure in a relationship because your partner has been messing you about or has you treading on eggshells. if it's trauma from a previous relationship, sort it out before ditching someone who could be the long term love of your life.

Kate8990 · 12/02/2023 00:41

This might sound mad but do you think he's "too nice"?? I've been in this situation before but 10 years in and the spark just went!! This person absolutely adored me and would literally do anything for me but I started to feel smothered. Do you feel the same?
If so end things now, you're doing him a kindness so he can find someone else. I didn't feel that way at the beginning but if I did I would of ended things then. It will hurt him but it will be worse if you just leave it. It's better being honest.

Goodread1 · 12/02/2023 00:44

Yes when I ran off with older man, on cusp of Adult as a 18yrs

I broke my Adoptive father❤️ I come from traumatic childhood background brought up in children's homes,
Adopted by a lovely family, but losed my lovely Adoptive mother as a teenager, went off the rails then,
I regret it as he still no longer speaks to me, Its been many moons ago,
I quite often see him in town centre, going into libarey with his wife he met 6 months after my Adoptive mother's death ,
He just acts like I am dead to him,
Like I am ghost from past..

Moser85 · 12/02/2023 00:59

@Goodread1
That's devastating, you poor thing. You didn't deserve that!

@Lulu2525
Yes I have, it's a horrible feeling, but the guilt etc does pass.The only way out of these things is by going through them and coming out the other side.

2023a · 12/02/2023 01:02

With respect, it’s been two months. You’re overdramatising this a bit. Just tell him
you’re not really feeling it and move on. In a few years, he won’t even remember your name.

QueenCamilla · 12/02/2023 01:10

In a very similar situation (we'd been dating 4 months) I left someone via text.

Why text? Because I knew he was going to guilt me, going to have prolonged conversations as to why this is a "mistake", try to convince me to stay the night...

It wasn't the easiest text to send but I just wrote why and underlined that my decision is well considered and final and if there is anything else he would like to talk about, we'll speak over the phone.

The guilting came on thick and I was soooo glad not to have that lecture face to face. I don't want to be lectured about my choice to not carry on sleeping with a particular person.

There's nothing to be "guilty" about - adults should be able to move on from short-term relationship fails.
In fact, my Ex's reaction confirmed I was right at leaving when/how I did.

Spottycarousel · 12/02/2023 01:11

I told my ex of 9 months over the phone as instinctively I knew he would need space to deal with it. I said it wasn't working, that I cared about him but it didn't feel right in 'that way.'

He was devastated and cried. He later came to see me. It was messy and horrible but ultimately he got over it and we both moved on.

I know how awful this is and I've continued relationships to try and avoid it, but if you're sure you want to end it the kindest thing to do is be clear with him.

HitTheBars · 12/02/2023 01:14

2023a · 12/02/2023 01:02

With respect, it’s been two months. You’re overdramatising this a bit. Just tell him
you’re not really feeling it and move on. In a few years, he won’t even remember your name.

This. It’s a very short relationship so I’m sure he’ll get over it quite quickly. Just be honest.

userxx · 12/02/2023 01:16

Yes I have, several times but they are not the ones I remember.

Sickofcoughing · 12/02/2023 09:18

Yes, several times. It is horrible to hurt someone (especially when you know what it's like to be on the receiving end of) but if has to be done.

Every single time they went on and met someone else who they settled down with.

If he is the great guy you say he is then he deserves to be with a person who is crazy about him, not someone who is settling for him.

Do the right thing. He deserves honesty. And you have to prioritise your own happiness not be with someone out of duty or fear.

Tell him you have to talk and make a plan to meet. Use those words so he is prepared. Then be kind, clear and final.

You're a great guy and you deserve someone who is head over heels for you. I am so sorry to hurt you but I can't change how I feel and it's not fair to you to pretend. I don't feel there is enough of a connection. I'm so sorry. All the best. Goodbye.

Seadad · 12/02/2023 12:41

Honestly OP - stop imagining that breaking up with a boyfriend is so terrible.
Staying with someone you don't have feelings for, settling and starting a family with them, betraying them, letting them lose their self esteem by feeling they can't be what you need, never being able to reciprocate their feelings - all these things are far far more hurtful.
Just about everyone has suffered a break up in their lives - and just about everyone shrugs it off! It's other things that cause lasting damage.
Be kind to yourself and your boyfriend and do the right thing, the sooner, the less hurt is caused.

FatSealSmugSoup · 12/02/2023 12:45

Well you know they say “living your best life is the best revenge”?

well, he’s now a multi-millionaire in a mansion driving super-cars and I’m erm … not!

Abhannmor · 12/02/2023 13:39

Well it's probably for the best anyhow @FatSealSmugSoup ? No use being miserable in a mansion.

FatSealSmugSoup · 12/02/2023 14:07

😂 You’re right of course - and I broke it off because I knew I could never go the distance (with him) For a million reasons.

Eightiesgirl · 12/02/2023 14:16

Yes, sadly I have on more than one occasion. I've also had my heart broken. I often compare my love life to the old Ted Rodgers quiz show, "3,2,1"and unfortunately I ended up with" Dusty Bin".

Lorry10 · 12/02/2023 14:29

Are you sure after a few months that he is not right for you ? You said he makes you happy.
Emotionally unavailable guys seem to be able to provoke all sorts of strong feelings due to that roller-coaster we find ourselves on with them trying to make it work, exciting and passionate maybe but ultimately not very good for us. Then when we meet a nice guy who is genuinely interested in us and our well-being it can feel like something is missing.

FatSealSmugSoup · 12/02/2023 14:42

Eightiesgirl · 12/02/2023 14:16

Yes, sadly I have on more than one occasion. I've also had my heart broken. I often compare my love life to the old Ted Rodgers quiz show, "3,2,1"and unfortunately I ended up with" Dusty Bin".

Oh god. You’ve just summed up my relationship history in one quote!

TrishM80 · 12/02/2023 21:10

And what gave your previous partners this "spark" that this particular chap seems to be lacking?

ReneBumsWombats · 12/02/2023 21:15

Yes. It was worse than when someone broke mine.

starynight63 · 12/02/2023 22:02

Oh my days I could of wrote this, I've just had this conversation last week but we'd been together 7months. I'd take others advice and do it over the phone/text if you think he's going to make it hard. I did it in person and he cried and cried and guilt tripped me & made me feel AWFUL! He was telling me he'd do anything to help, take time apart, see me less, take me out more, he couldn't live without me, was so in love with me etc etc and it made it so hard to keep reiterating that I just didn't want this relationship now 😬
But.... since that chat I feel so much lighter! My anxiety has gone, and it was 100% the right choice!

Good luck OP! Xxx

MellowMelly · 12/02/2023 22:38

I have and I feel really bad today about it. Even worse, he is my direct neighbour. I was tentatively stepping back into the dating zone after quite a while out of it. It was comfortable with him I guess. But a year on, he fell in love with me and I just couldn’t reciprocate it. I have just stayed ‘fond’ of him.

Now, it’s all weird. He won’t chat to me at all because he is hurting that I don’t feel the same. I understand his hurt but I can’t force my feelings. I just feel pretty rotten right now.

Pfeiffle · 12/02/2023 22:47

Yes I had the same many years ago. I let it drift for a few months because I thought I’d feel something as time went on; I didn’t and finished it. It’s fairer to him and yourself to call it a day so you can both move on. Chemistry can’t be manufactured.

Blackbirdblue30 · 12/02/2023 22:57

I haven't, but for his sake do it before you meet someone else, getting dumped regarding incompatibility is painful enough without knowing there's a third party in the picture and the mess that brings.

Savoretti · 12/02/2023 23:00

oh god I’m in exactly the same boat OP

JustDrama · 12/02/2023 23:05

I think I have. I saw him for 5 years. He had an ex with kids and it was messy. He was always scared she'd stop him seeing kids if she knew about me. He kept changing his mind about wanted more kids. I kept telling him he needed to vomit or I'd leave. I didn't in 5 years. Then one day I just had enough and they was it. He begged. He change his mind yet again but it was too late.