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Original poster

Gaslighting - do some people not realise they're doing it?

42 replies

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 11/02/2023 22:18

I remember my ex calling me for a chat and I was in the middle of something and one of the cats wasn't very well, he was being sick. I told him this and he said he wasn't bothered, that I know he doesn't like cats. (That wasn't the point, surely he should have been concerned that I was worried?) I pointed out that I wouldn't be so harsh if it was one of his dogs.

He then dragged up that one of my cats had ruined his Christmas. This was at the end of 2018, she was only two years old and her liver and kidneys packed up and I had to have her put down the day after New Year. When I challenged him about this, that neither the cat nor I had a good Christmas either, he said he'd called for a nice chat and I was being horrible.

I told him he was attempting to gaslight me and he went ballistic.

Do some people just not realise?

OP posts:
Wishfulthankin · 11/02/2023 22:22

Not sure this is gaslighting.
It's become such a common buzzword, not surprised he's pissed off being accused of something abusive when really he is just a twat that doesn't like cats

larchforest · 11/02/2023 22:26

That is just being obnoxious, it isn't gaslighting.

Gaslighting is when someone deliberately and persistently does or says things that make you doubt yourself so much you feel like you are going crazy.

Emmamoo89 · 11/02/2023 22:28

That's not gaslighting

Original poster
ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 11/02/2023 22:29

Wishfulthankin · 11/02/2023 22:22

Not sure this is gaslighting.
It's become such a common buzzword, not surprised he's pissed off being accused of something abusive when really he is just a twat that doesn't like cats

I meant about telling me I'd ruined the conversation when in fact he had by being obnoxious.

OP posts:
JuliaGooliaaa · 11/02/2023 22:30

That’s not gaslighting…

InBedBy10 · 11/02/2023 22:38

Yeah, that's not gas lighting.

Gas lighting is doing something and then denying it happened to make the other person think they're crazy and question their sanity.

Your boyfriend is just a dick OP.

ggbbnn1 · 11/02/2023 22:51

InBedBy10 · 11/02/2023 22:38

Yeah, that's not gas lighting.

Gas lighting is doing something and then denying it happened to make the other person think they're crazy and question their sanity.

Your boyfriend is just a dick OP.

😂😂😂😂

SD1978 · 11/02/2023 22:52

The problem now is people don't actually understand the term, and use it incorrectly. Your above example is him being a twat but is not gaslighting. So no. I'd say people really don't understand it. Much like narcissist, it juts gets lobbed out now when people exhibit truly shitty behaviour

Ofcourseshecan · 11/02/2023 23:18

Poor man, how nasty of your cat to ruin his Christmas by falling fatally ill.

I’m sorry you lost your cat, OP. But I bet you’re glad you ‘lost’ your ex .

Buildingthefuture · 11/02/2023 23:37

Not gaslighting, just a selfish, obnoxious Twat. Does he realise he’s a selfish obnoxious Twat? Probably not, that would take a level of emotional intelligence and self awareness that I would suspect he doesn’t have.

Reugny · 11/02/2023 23:44

OP you know you could have simply said "Sorry I can't talk now something urgent has come up. Bye" then put the phone down on him?

Oh and as PPs said that isn't gaslighting.
It's him being a dick and you not having appropriate boundaries to end the call asap.

DontMakeMeShushYou · 12/02/2023 00:12

As others have said this is not gaslighting. The word is not a synonym for for people just generally behaving like dicks.

AllTheThingsIWantAreHere · 12/02/2023 00:14

Is the OP being gaslighted (gaslit?) on this thread 🫣

SueVineer · 12/02/2023 00:15

That’s not gaslighting as others have said

RJnomore1 · 12/02/2023 00:17

I agree with everyone else but to answer your question my mother gaslights and has absolutely no idea she is doing it. She believes her version of events. If it wasn’t for other people corroborating I’d really think I was mental. She told everyone I was…

Downunderduchess · 12/02/2023 01:23

I have a platonic male friend who is a gaslighter. He will strike up a conversation about a particular issue (usually something topical or controversial) and when I am giving my opinion he tells me I am getting very upset about it. I’ve told him many times & explained that it’s classic gaslighting and he’s the one that initiated the conversation. He is doing it less these days. I don’t really know why he does it but I call it out when he does. It’s tiresome.

Sep200024 · 12/02/2023 01:39

Downunderduchess · 12/02/2023 01:23

I have a platonic male friend who is a gaslighter. He will strike up a conversation about a particular issue (usually something topical or controversial) and when I am giving my opinion he tells me I am getting very upset about it. I’ve told him many times & explained that it’s classic gaslighting and he’s the one that initiated the conversation. He is doing it less these days. I don’t really know why he does it but I call it out when he does. It’s tiresome.

Again, not gaslighting.

Johnisafckface · 12/02/2023 01:47

larchforest · 11/02/2023 22:26

That is just being obnoxious, it isn't gaslighting.

Gaslighting is when someone deliberately and persistently does or says things that make you doubt yourself so much you feel like you are going crazy.

This. That’s not gaslighting that’s being an absolute prick.

Gaslighting is when someone fucks with your mind to make you doubt your reality and feel crazy.

Moser85 · 12/02/2023 02:06

It could have been gaslighting
He said something that he knew was going to get a bad reaction and then accused you of being horrible.

Did he have a habit of being horrible, and then playing dumb when you reacted and making out that you started an argument for no reason even though he was he being nice?

If so then that would be gaslighting.

Downunderduchess · 12/02/2023 03:36

Sep200024 · 12/02/2023 01:39

Again, not gaslighting.

Show quote history

Yes it is. When someone deliberately provokes a reaction or response from you and then tells you’re being emotional, irrational or angry etc. that is gaslighting.

Gaslighting - do some people not realise they're doing it?
Original poster
ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 12/02/2023 07:41

Moser85 · 12/02/2023 02:06

It could have been gaslighting
He said something that he knew was going to get a bad reaction and then accused you of being horrible.

Did he have a habit of being horrible, and then playing dumb when you reacted and making out that you started an argument for no reason even though he was he being nice?

If so then that would be gaslighting.

Yes with regularity. Often denying having said something.

OP posts:
WeWereInParis · 12/02/2023 07:46

RJnomore1 · 12/02/2023 00:17

I agree with everyone else but to answer your question my mother gaslights and has absolutely no idea she is doing it. She believes her version of events. If it wasn’t for other people corroborating I’d really think I was mental. She told everyone I was…

But if she actually really genuinely believes her version, is that gaslighting? She's not doing it deliberately, she isn't insisting something to make you doubt yourself, she's doing it because she really thinks she's right and you have misremembered/got it wrong?

alwaysmovingforwards · 12/02/2023 08:01

Gaslighting - do some people not realise they don't understand the term properly?

rexythedinosaur · 12/02/2023 08:21

You are right that some people don't realise they are gaslighting. It's often a subconscious behaviour.

However, the definition of gaslighting is widely misunderstood and the term is thrown around a lot.

Gaslighting in a relationship is about a repeating pattern. You can't really say either way from this one example because it's something that takes place over a long time.

If this example is a one off then it's just a normal petty argument/ maybe him being a bit obnoxious.

If this happens all the time where he brings things up and then says 'you're getting very upset about this aren't you?' then that would fall more into the definition of gaslighting.

One example can't really tell us a pattern either way.

SeriouslyLTB · 12/02/2023 08:24

Gaslighting is so overused now, regardless of definitions. Same as narcissist/abusive. They’re become meaningless because everyone’s ex is an “abusive, gaslighting narcissist”.

He was, however, being a massive dick. I know EXACTLY the conversation you describe. Twat. Glad he’s an ex.

Why was he calling for a chat?