Gaslighting - do some people not realise they're doing it?

[ImJustMadAboutSaffron]

I remember my ex calling me for a chat and I was in the middle of something and one of the cats wasn't very well, he was being sick. I told him this and he said he wasn't bothered, that I know he doesn't like cats. (That wasn't the point, surely he should have been concerned that I was worried?) I pointed out that I wouldn't be so harsh if it was one of his dogs.

He then dragged up that one of my cats had ruined his Christmas. This was at the end of 2018, she was only two years old and her liver and kidneys packed up and I had to have her put down the day after New Year. When I challenged him about this, that neither the cat nor I had a good Christmas either, he said he'd called for a nice chat and I was being horrible.

I told him he was attempting to gaslight me and he went ballistic.

Do some people just not realise?

@rexythedinosaur it happened frequently yes. @SeriouslyLTB it was an old conversation. I thought of it as an example because someone mentioned him yesterday. I still think about how difficult the relationship became.

Gaslighting is the most overused (and incorrectly used) buzz word (along with narcissist, red flag and misogny) on here and some sections of the media. Most of the time when people use it they seem to be describing someone either being a dick or disagreeing with them.
Just because someone sees something differently to you doesn’t mean they are intentionally trying to dupe you.

Regardless, gaslighting would be preferable to what your ex was saying which is basically a lack of empathy for animals and people and he sounds a psycho

I also found it hurtful and upsetting being reminded of what happened to my cat.

@ZoZoWatto he's got four dogs of his own. That's what I don't understand.

Gaslighting is the most overused (and incorrectly used) buzz word (along with narcissist, red flag and misogny) on here and some sections of the media. Most of the time when people use it they seem to be describing someone either being a dick or disagreeing with them.

Just because someone sees something differently to you doesn’t mean they are intentionally trying to dupe you.

I agree with this! And that that wasn’t an example of gaslighting, op, but your ex was indeed a dick!

yep OP he’s a bloody knob and you’re well rid

@ImJustMadAboutSaffron gaslighting is so subtle, that's why people think it's their going mad not the abuser. The fact that you called him out means he isn't gaslighting IYSWIM?

He's a twat for sure.

Why are you with a twat?

What do you stand to gain from puzzling over the inner workings of the motives of why someone treated you badly? It's like spending your time learning how to hammer out a dent on an already written-off car. Just avoid written-off cars in future, and count yourself taught. The lesson here for you isn't in deducing how people like this work, but in learning to stay away from people you need to deduce.

I'm not anymore.

@ZoZoWatto psycho is a other term that is over used. To be diagnosed with a personality disorder you have to undergo assessment. Most people with them refuse.

He doesn't like cats.

Many people dislike some animals but if you have low emotional intelligence you forget to hide the fact that you dislike them to their owners.

gaslighting is like inappropriate, narcissistic, abusive, racist, bullying etc etc. They are words that ignorant people use when they want a big reaction.

They rarely properly understand the term and use it simply because they think that will show that their opponent's actions are indefensible = without them actually having to bother to make the case for it.

this isn't gaslighting. Once you have had a truly abusive ex and have had to spend time in therapy, you’ll understand what gaslighting is. By the end of it, you’ll be really mentally unwell and won’t know which way is up and will take a long time to unravel. It’s like people saying they’ve got the flu when they have a cold. I hope you never get to realise what gaslighting actually means.

Many people really overuse the term . Gaslighting is awful it messes with your reality and makes you feel crazy . It's right up there with people saying they are OCD because they like things clean & tidy 🙄

It is gaslighting. There can be different levels of it. Just because something is a lower level doesn't mean that it's not gaslighting.

Also as someone with gaslighting parents I can say that when I had a gaslighting ex it fucked me up a lot, but it wasn't just to do with him, it was triggering past trauma and building upon previous trauma. I started to suffer serious memory loss, brain fog, I doubted everything!!

If he'd done it to another woman she could have said "Fuck off" and dumped him.

So the impact of gaslighting also depends on who it's done too.

Not everyone who has been a victim of gaslighting ends up in therapy, that doesn't mean they weren't gaslit. And not everyone ends up mentally unwell, because some people spot it sooner, recognise it for what it is and don't stay in the relationship long enough to become mentally unwell!

That’s a really good question. I’m not talking about things like did I prefer cheese and onion or salt and vinegar crisps I’m meaning complete rewriting of facts, conversations and events to make herself blameless abs a victim in some way. I’ve always regarded it as gaslighting since I learnt about it but perhaps it’s something else, delusion or something?

Whatever it is it’s a manipulation tool.