How do I actually 'leave'

[doubleshift]

The counselling is coming to an end and I've decided the marriage is over. I'm out of love and we've had separate rooms for months.

But how do we actually 'split up'? I can't afford the family home alone as I couldn't buy my half to allow him a home somewhere else. So if we sell the house I think we will both struggle to find a small 3 bed each in the location we are in. Can't change area as have children at schools one of whom has an EHCP so can't even change school. Rents are even higher than our mortgage!
I earn around £40000 as a teacher but I don't think I can get much mortgage on my own with that!

How do we make it affordable to split up?

I would seek legal advice. It would probably have to go to court to get your husband to move out if he refused. But usually the main care giver is allowed to stay in the family home until the child is 18

Sorry you're going through this OP. But at the same time, if you can't fix it, change it, no point being miserable.

How many kids, what age, and is there equity in the house? Are you both on the mortgage now?

Would you be able to afford the mortgage in your existing house if he moved out?

I am in the same position separate rooms no affection it is over but we just can't afford to split !

I had to leave and rent, and my ex took the mortgage on. I’m 10yrs on and still don’t own, but I do have a deposit and a promotion since and earn enough for a 2bed flat in the south east, or a 4 bed house in my native north wales. But the latter means 3yrs more wait. Currently in a relationship so not sure what will happen with that, hoping that will be long term but it’s early days. I wouldn’t have stayed for the house, I was able to get help renting until my promotion meant a higher salary. It’s difficult as cost of living it’s not easy to split but you can’t just share a house and be unhappy for years either

You might be eligible for UC. Assuming you receive DLA for your DC with an EHCP the maximum income threshold for families with disabled DC is far higher than many realise.

I don't get DLA

Mortgage and council tax alone is more than my take home pay - mortgage is not unreasonably high at £260000!

I know technically I could stay here with the kids but the reality is husband can't afford to move out to a place where he could have the children to stay with him! We are equal parents. I can't force two teenagers to live part time with their father in a one bed flat!

What do people do? How can we both be late 40s, professionals and working and feel so trapped. I know we have to sell up but I'm still worried that won't get us both somewhere half decent each for the children to feel happy in.

Perhaps I'd be better off going part time - would that get me help with housing?

In the village I live in there's lots of fairly young people in lovely village HA homes mostly SAHMs - no way are they taking home what I earn after slogging 25 years FT in teaching.

You should apply for DLA for the DC with an EHCP, use the Cerebra guide to help you complete the form.

Because of how UC works with the earnings deduction you won’t be better off working part time than full time.

Just live seperate lives until you can afford

• Move away and commute longer to school
• Move children's schools
• One parent stays close to the school the other rents further where it's cheaper
• Stay under the same roof and lead separate lives like housemates. Some couples use the living room as a bedroom with a sofa bed
• Parents nest taking it in turn to stay at the family home and share a 1 bed flat elsewhere or each get their own studio/1 bed and visit children in the family home
• Move back with parents and visit children at family home
• Sell up and buy what you can afford even if the children share rooms and the parent sleeps in the living room in a sofa bed
• One parent moves out but comes to family home and stays over to see the children
• If you have a big enough garden or an unconverted loft make some extra space to separate under one roof
• Change the mortgage agreement so one can have a sum of money and the other stay and pay a reduced amount or interest only. Must take legal and mortgage advice before agreeing to this.

You can't get the ideal scenario so what is the next best thing? what can you live with and what is an absolute no-no? Make your decision on this basis. Sacrifices and compromises will have to be made whichever way.

I’m in the same position. I’m staying because I love my house, and we’ve got a child doing GCSE’s this year.

Re the younger couples their mortgage term will be longer than a couple in their 40s and they might have family helping them out. Some young people early shockingly well.

earn* not early

Sorry but its simply not correct that main carer usually gets to stay in fmh until youngest is 18!
thetes no automatic right to this and if you can’t afford to buy you husband out and then pay all bills on your own/ or he is v high earner, that scenario is unlikely
A settlement will aim for a clean financial break and onlyresort to a mesher if options to achive this have been exhausted- even then they are are likely to be a few years. If your children are young this is less likely as you’re impacting his ability to raise his own mortgage.

of course, it depends on other factors
how much he earms
what other assets there are ( pensions- and being a teacher yours may be pretty valuable)
his housing needs ( probably similar to yours if he’s going to have the children which should be encouraged)
ages of children
and others

see a solicitor and start to look at options and understand what potential settlement might look like

its usual for both parties to be worse off in a divorce

So basically it's completely shut and the children's lives will be turned upside down beyond recognition because of my selfish desire to be happier outside of the marriage. A marriage that provides them a stable home. I'd rather be dead and they stay in the home the youngest was born in than force them into a shared life between two grotty 1 bed flats.

BTW, my teachers pension is currently £12000 per year. It's a myth they are massive. Gone are the days of large final salary pots.

So what I've worked out is I have to either put up with this loveless but safe marriage that makes me want to be sick every time I'm asked for sex or die. It's the only way the children's lives are secure.

What a fucking life I've made for myself.

I'm so sorry OP.

I think you need to tell him it is completely over and that you will have to live separately in the home.

You need your own room.
You will have to rejig the house so you get your own space.

Sex should never be mentioned by him again.

I think being honest with the children after you have sorted things out is best.

No laundry nor cooking.

You need to find a way to make it work while you figure things out.

You’re being dramatic

are you expecting things to stay the sane fir you if you divorce? Same lifestyle, keep the house etc . Fact is you’d be divorced. Not many couple can run 2 homes to the same standard post separation, or are you expecting him to essentially live in a gotty 1 bed flat whilst you live in a nice house with the children ?

i mentioned pensions as these will be taken into consideration when looking at assets to share and public sector being defined benefit may be higher than you think

you make no mention re his Salary etc so no o e can comment other than, see a solicitor to guide you as to what reasonable outcome could be

How many years until the youngest turns 18?

Work out all your assets and debts, including pensions and investments. Find out the profit from the house if sold. Split it 50/50 as the bare minimum. You could get more via a solicitor but for now use that as your baseline.

Go on rightmove and start searching to see what is out there. You need to either downsize or move further away. Are the children same sex?

You do not EVER have to have sex with him again. Just because you are married it doesn't mean you have to do it. Please remember that.

If it is a safe but loveless marriage why can't you just have separate bedrooms and lead sperate lives until the kids are at uni? Am I missing something? The house will still be there to split then and you won't need two"family" houses at that point.
You can sit down together and work out boundaries ie cooking, shopping, no sex, be civil, etc and then explain together to the kids what the home situation will be like from now on. They probably are very aware you are in separate bedrooms and what that means so get it all out in the open and above board.
Ultimately you don't have to sell if you are both prepared to be two single adults parenting in the same house. It may become the new Norma for a lot of people in this economic situation.

Normal not Norma 🙂

That’s crazy ( imo) long term
people need to be able to
Move on, to date, to live separately

you don’t need to have sex with him of course not, but you also can’t expect him then not perhaps want to divorce at some point or not accept the status quo

if you’re done, seek advice and take steps to separate

If you die your children will be devastated more than any devastation for sharing a bedroom in a grotty 1 bed flat.
I would focus on living peacefully together with boundaries, certainly no sex. You can separated and living together, he could go date and get his sex elsewhere.

Otherwise, you can live separately from your ex but you and your children will be living in a smaller and/or further away property. Which is more tolerable?

It is shit, I'm sorry.