Relationship Split - didn't see it coming

[Bloke1975]

I'm a male poster and need some advice.

I started dating who is now my ex-girlfriend back in Sept last year. We had known each other for a while and decided we wanted to be more than just friends. It was all good, did lots of things together and were seemingly building something strong. We live over an hour drive from each other, which is fine, but had to plan in our meets.
Leading up to Christmas all was good and we were happy. Then over Christmas she started going quiet on me, less comms etc. Come new year we had a chat - she said that she loves me very much but can't be with me as she has too much going on in her life.
This has come from nowhere, it was all good and rosy and then suddenly not. Taken me totally by surprise.
I've tried to reason and understand and find a way to carry on, but she is adament that she wants to be on her own, although remain friends.
It was a short and sweet relationship by the looks of it, but it's totally devastated me. I'm having counselling yet am in a bit of mess. I cannot leave it behind, want her back very much, am feeling constantly sick and is really impacting me mentally.
How can I handle this better?

I think you need to just accept it, op. It honestly is not the end of the world. Clearly, this relationship wouldn't have gone the distance and it's much, much, better that she ended it early on instead of years down the line. Be thankfuk she didn't waste more of your time. Just let it go and move on.

What made you so hopeful about this one that her ending it after 4 months has been so devastating?

I'm sorry that you feel so bad - but this is a relationship of less than 6 months.

Unfortunately although it takes two to decide to start a relationship, it's only for one to decide to end it.

Allow yourself to grieve (a bit) and then move on. And accept that it's also probably your pride that's been hurt.

Sadly you can’t make someone want to be with you. She’s made the choice and you need to try and move on. I know it’s hard (going through the same right now) but there’s nothing you can do. Begging her to come back will just make you look stupid and desperate, the best thing to do is get on with your life, keep busy, make plans with friends and try and move on.

It's hard, it hurts, you get anxiety knots in your stomach but ultimately, it is what it is. You just have to put one foot in front of the other and slowly get better. There's no magic formula...just a bit of time, good friends, distraction, acceptance and moving on.

Cos everything had fallen into place and I really really like her, we had a laugh, could relate to each other and I really wanted some mileage in this.

There’s obviously something that has made her change her mind, but either way it doesn’t look like she wants to discuss what that is. Unfortunately, some people just aren’t capable of being open and honest. All you can do is move on, chasing or pestering her for reasons wont help. It hurts, I know I’ve been there, but just try to focus on you. It’s good that you are having counselling. You WILL be fine in time. Also.. you don’t have to remain friends if you don’t want to, being in contact with her will make it harder. If she does truly care, she will understand if you need a clean break to get over her. I wish you all the best.

I think when you have fallen in love, it hurts when a relationship ends, however short it was. She obviously didn’t feel as strongly as you. Personally I wouldn’t accept being friends as it will hurt you to much.

Accept she wants the relationship to change.

Block her on social media.
Don’t allow yourself to do any online stalking
Delete her number
Delete all messages
Block her number
Dont find a way to unblock her or restore the messages

Dont try and be friends. You sound too far in deep for her and honestly, if she can be, it wasn’t deep for her or she is building up your hopes of friendship without really meaning it.

It will be tough.

Find something else to do with your time.

If you have a group of guy mates, go out with them, if not, join one of the organised kind such as Masons or Rotary and get yourself some not female friendships going where they will empathise, understand, and buy you a pint and then talk about something else with you.

Dont feel sorry for yourself. The next girl won’t find you attractive for it. Ultimately, it’s her loss. You sound like you treated her decently, a few mins on here and you will see how many male idiots there are. Get yourself down to the gym.

Don’t try dating for a while - i suspect it will take a few months for you to get over her, and if you get out there desperately looking to replace her, you’ll come across as desperate and needy. Just break the cycle.

We guys can fall deep and hard, in these situations, somehow girls just seem to be able to brush us off easily, probably because they have more choices, not usualky better ones though. But tastes differ and i’m sure in time if you look after you, prevent her from playing games with you and your feelings now, find something else to do, and yes it’s ok to lament what you’ve lost, but put it in perspective, there’s 5 billion more fish in the sea.

Don’t be a stalker. Do let her move on too.

And good luck. It’ll be tough, but you will get past this.

The annoying thing is that we spent quite a bit on each other for Christmas. If I'd have known I wouldn't have.
Should I just send it all back to her?

Sadly OP, she wasn't getting as much out of it as you were. Set her free, someone more suited will come along.

No! That's just being petulant.

Turn the page and move on.

Nope.

The way you feel now, it’s a mad kid of emotions. You’ll want to do sad and silly things. Some to show how hurt you are, some to try hurt her.

Best thing to do, it’s nothing.

*mad mix

It’s shit when you really like someone and you get knocked back. There are very few adults who haven’t had that experience at some stage. Getting over it involves allowing yourself to feel the grief/pain of the loss and coming towards a place of acceptance. That is never easy when you are in deep but it is manageable with time.

It's very hard when a break-up is wanted by only one partner and the other is desperately pining after the want who's ended it.

I remember watching a video once where a man was told similar story to a relationship expert and they said (I'm paraphrasing) that he needed to reset his relationship boundaries/paradigm to one where the ultimate turn off is someone who isn't interested in you.

We are often guilty of doing the opposite (movie romance doesn't help as there's lots of chasing there) but really we need to be attracted to people that find us attractive and quickly dismiss those that aren't- it would save a lot of heart ache. Just like if you found out she was racist or into drowning puppies, your attraction to her would be killed. Turns out she's not ino you after all, ir sucks, but that should now become an unattractive quality about her that turns you off.

Don’t send stuff back- that’s just an excuse for contact. Breakups can hurt like hell, and I’m sorry you’re going through it. Especially when you feel so blindsided- that’s hard.

an app called “mend” helped me a LOT, highly recommend.

it’s going to be hard as you likely still want to have any kind of hope, but the best way to heal is to block her everywhere. Seal that door shut. Having “friendship” is just going to keep the attachment alive for you, and it’s also not something she should get to have. You need to be able to move on and heal.

It’s really hard but you will move on. If your username is an indication of age, had you decided that this was the woman you would finally settle down with permanently and have you become a bit focussed on finding “the one”? I only ask because I have a few friends (male and female) in that age bracket who are really desperate to settle before they turn 50. Never sure what to say to them as everything sounds a bit patronising but I’m a firm believer that if it is hasn’t worked out, they weren’t the one for you (unless you did something massively out of order of course!)

FFS, no. That would be ridiculously petty and immature. If that's how you think it provides a lot of insight into the situation.

No. You’ll just look bitter and mean.

you gave each other gifts. Gifts aren’t meant to be handed back. Enjoy them for what they are or put them away until you don’t feel so bad.

however with how badly you feel you need to cut contact. Don’t see what she’s up to etc etc. clean break so you can ‘grieve’ whatever it is you had hoped you had and feel you’ve lost.

No don’t send any gifts back.
Don't stay friends. It’ll hurt more in the long run.
Delete her number, if she changes her mind she has your number.

I'm so sorry this happened. I know it is agonising. Unfortunately the only way to really deal with it is to accept it's finished, grieve and know time will heal your pain. You will probably never know why but it wasn't right for your ex. You deserve someone who wants you long term. Don't give up on love.

Definitely don’t send gifts back because it’s pointless. You don’t need that contact with her. There is no chance of that working out well for you and you don’t want to make yourself look angry or bitter. Personally, I’d charity shop them. These gifts are only going to make you think about her and you need to get her out of your system. So get rid of any photos, texts etc. Don’t listen to music or watch programmes you used to watch together. Block her on every thing that you can. She might have said she wants to stay friends and maybe she does (rather than just saying it to smooth the break up) but this is about you and what’s best for getting over her, and that’s not going to include having any contact with her right now.

If you get the urge to contact her, write down what you want to say to her, then tear it into a million pieces and chuck it away. She’s not in love with you and she doesn’t want to be in a relationship with you. So you’ve got no choice but to accept that, do what is best for you and concentrate on healing yourself.

No. Move on with as little drama as possible.

Neither of you owe each other anything, so as others have said block her to give you the headspace to move on.

Being friends isn't a realistic option in the circumstances, and I doubt she means it anyway.

It hadn’t fallen into place though as she didn’t feel the same. You need to accept you weren't for her and move on