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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Relationship Split - didn't see it coming

42 replies

Bloke1975 · 11/02/2023 17:24

I'm a male poster and need some advice.

I started dating who is now my ex-girlfriend back in Sept last year. We had known each other for a while and decided we wanted to be more than just friends. It was all good, did lots of things together and were seemingly building something strong. We live over an hour drive from each other, which is fine, but had to plan in our meets.
Leading up to Christmas all was good and we were happy. Then over Christmas she started going quiet on me, less comms etc. Come new year we had a chat - she said that she loves me very much but can't be with me as she has too much going on in her life.
This has come from nowhere, it was all good and rosy and then suddenly not. Taken me totally by surprise.
I've tried to reason and understand and find a way to carry on, but she is adament that she wants to be on her own, although remain friends.
It was a short and sweet relationship by the looks of it, but it's totally devastated me. I'm having counselling yet am in a bit of mess. I cannot leave it behind, want her back very much, am feeling constantly sick and is really impacting me mentally.
How can I handle this better?

OP posts:
Mandyaaliyah · 12/02/2023 01:21

22 Nj

QueenCamilla · 12/02/2023 01:37

Stop trying to "reason" with her. She seems to be the only reasonable one in this.

It's done, it's final. Don't think of the ins/outs of the relationship at all, try to only focus on how to get your slate clean. You'll have to re-focus anyway - might as well start tomorrow instead of next month.

Original poster
Bloke1975 · 14/02/2023 07:32

Thanks for everyone's comments.

I'm really struggling here, so much so that I reached out to her yesterday to ask if there is any way that we can continue somehow...

I know I shouldn't have, my head is exploding.

OP posts:
Zanatdy · 14/02/2023 08:16

NettaP · 11/02/2023 17:43

I think when you have fallen in love, it hurts when a relationship ends, however short it was. She obviously didn’t feel as strongly as you. Personally I wouldn’t accept being friends as it will hurt you to much.

This. Why are posters so adamant that it can’t hurt that much as it was less than 6 months. Yes it can. Hope you’re ok OP. Surround yourself with friends and you’ll be ok

AnotherOneAndTwo · 14/02/2023 09:25

Bloke1975 · 11/02/2023 17:32

Cos everything had fallen into place and I really really like her, we had a laugh, could relate to each other and I really wanted some mileage in this.

Show quote history

In your original post, you said she had told you she “loves”.
You have said that you really really “like” her.
Is there a longer story to this?
When she said had “too much going on”, was that true and did you believe her?

It’s hard to get a handle on your post as there is not a lot of info.
That is, if you want advise that is a bit more helpful than “time heals” or “there’s plenty more fish in the sea”, etc. Those are about as useful as a chocolate teapot when you are hurting and it’s all still very fresh.

Original poster
Bloke1975 · 14/02/2023 11:30

AnotherOneAndTwo · 14/02/2023 09:25

In your original post, you said she had told you she “loves”.
You have said that you really really “like” her.
Is there a longer story to this?
When she said had “too much going on”, was that true and did you believe her?

It’s hard to get a handle on your post as there is not a lot of info.
That is, if you want advise that is a bit more helpful than “time heals” or “there’s plenty more fish in the sea”, etc. Those are about as useful as a chocolate teapot when you are hurting and it’s all still very fresh.

Show quote history

When I say I really like her, I'm totally in love with her, with everything. She would have been my future. I've known her for a while remember, not just when we got together. It's why we got together.

Yes I do believe her when she says she has a lot on and am aware of what some of these things are. And I sympathise too. But the hard bit is we still acknowledge there is loce between us still, but she just can't be with me and that's the big big struggle I am facing.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bloke1975 · 14/02/2023 11:31

*love

OP posts:
shropshire11 · 14/02/2023 11:34

I can sense your pain OP. Right now a lot of the usual advice about trying to move on will feel like a cliche, or will feel like it doesn't apply to you.

The hard truth is that this hurts, and it won't go away quickly. But as long as you are trying to reason your way out of this, you are prolonging the agony.

In relationships there is no "should haves" - she feels the way she feels, she has made the decision, and the best you can do is try to accept it and chalk it up to experience. Don't reach out to her. Give yourself time and space to grieve, and try everyday to make progress and move forward as best you can.

AnotherOneAndTwo · 14/02/2023 13:41

Bloke1975 · 14/02/2023 11:30

When I say I really like her, I'm totally in love with her, with everything. She would have been my future. I've known her for a while remember, not just when we got together. It's why we got together.

Yes I do believe her when she says she has a lot on and am aware of what some of these things are. And I sympathise too. But the hard bit is we still acknowledge there is loce between us still, but she just can't be with me and that's the big big struggle I am facing.

Show quote history

Is the having a lot on the only thing standing between you? That suggests a situation that can change. I’m guessing she implied to you the decision was final. Suggesting the a lot on situation is permanent?

PenguinFlipper · 14/02/2023 13:47

Did you like the person you were when you were with her? Is that what your future hopes were resting on?

If so, you need to reflect on what was so meaningful about that future you, and figure out how to get there without her. She's not the solution, you are.

Beamur · 14/02/2023 13:52

You need to draw a line. Grieve the loss of what you thought you had and move on.
Stop trying to unpick it and stop contacting her.
Be kind to yourself, spend time with friends. Don't mope for too long.

theemmadilemma · 14/02/2023 13:54

You sound emotionally immature. Maybe that's what she has going on.

You can't make someone want what they don't. Move on.

AnotherOneAndTwo · 14/02/2023 13:58

PenguinFlipper · 14/02/2023 13:47

Did you like the person you were when you were with her? Is that what your future hopes were resting on?

If so, you need to reflect on what was so meaningful about that future you, and figure out how to get there without her. She's not the solution, you are.

To be fair, coming from a bloke, this is most likely about hot smoking sex.

Celeryfavour · 14/02/2023 14:21

She was never your future, you are your future.

Original poster
Bloke1975 · 31/07/2023 22:53

Seven months on and I'm still struggling. I do have good days but I also have really bad days where I totally dip. Little triggers. The rawness has gone but the pain hasn't. I've tried and am dating. But I'm struggling still, the grief and missing is so real.

OP posts:
whatever1980 · 31/07/2023 23:03

I'm sorry to hear you're still struggling. I've been where you've been and it took me a long time to get over it. I can relate to the physical pain you talk about.

Looking back I invested way too much in this person that when it comes ended I had nothing - no support network or hobbies or job.

I used to wake up each day hoping the pain would be gone and it was always still there. I tried moving away, travelling the world, changing jobs but nothing helped because the issue wasn't them or jobs or where I lived - it was me.

I promised myself I would become more resilient and never let a similar situation destroy me again.

It will get better and one day you will see it wasn't meant to be. You've perhaps built this person into someone they're not.

In the meantime, whilst you're waiting to get over this person, keeping living. Keep busy. Avoid where they will be or go and live like they never existed.

Forfucksake84 · 17/09/2023 09:04

Bloke1975 · 31/07/2023 22:53

Seven months on and I'm still struggling. I do have good days but I also have really bad days where I totally dip. Little triggers. The rawness has gone but the pain hasn't. I've tried and am dating. But I'm struggling still, the grief and missing is so real.

Are you still in no contact or did you reach out to her again? I know exactly how you feel because I was dumped 8 weeks ago by someone I was completely in love with and am really struggling to accept it.

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