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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Should I leave?

44 replies

Definitelynotem · 11/02/2023 12:02

I’ve been married to DH for only 1.5 years. I’m 24 and naively ignored advice about getting married young, I didn’t expect my situation to change so drastically in such little time.

Since we’ve been married, he’s started going to his friends’ more, probably four times a week and at least one night of the weekend, sometimes both and Sunday night. He’s also racked up over 5k of debt on cocaine after a few binges last year. He kept this a secret and I almost left in September last year, but I decided to stay and support him. He ended up doing it again for a week in December and then again last week, when he was arrested for drug driving over an hour away from our house. It’s never a continuous habit, but it seems like he can’t go more than a few months without a week’s binge on it where he spends insane amounts. He has stopped now (I don’t know for how long).

I do love him, and I wish things could be how they were before we were married. I’m not sure if we even have a marriage. He always seems to be at his friends or asleep, on a weekend he sleeps basically all day, only waking up for food and to go to his friends. We do have nice moments sometimes, but I feel like I’m being walked over here.

Also to add that I’m the breadwinner and pay more to the bills and I also pay for all of our holidays, so no issues money wise and we have no kids.

I guess I’m just looking for some outside perspectives, I’ve been feeling very low lately and have little support here

OP posts:
Jadviga · 11/02/2023 12:05

Based on what you say and how unhappy you sound, then yes, in your place I'd leave before your lives become any more entangled. He doesn't sound like he's interested in working on the relationship or that invested in you. I'm sorry.

MrNook · 11/02/2023 12:09

He always seems to be at his friends or asleep, on a weekend he sleeps basically all day, only waking up for food and to go to his friends. We do have nice moments sometimes

That's no marriage at all. I'd leave

pog100 · 11/02/2023 12:10

It's as plain as day to anyone from outside. This will be a life of misery for you. You are really young, get out, figure out how you made this mistake before getting involved with a man again, and have a good life.

PotKettel · 11/02/2023 12:12

This situation will deteriorate, I expect. And you’ll end up miserable, or worse pregnant and stuck with a dead-beat dad or ex and regretting it deeply.

You are staying because of a romantic hope that things could improve, or even go back to how things were. Truth is it’s unlikely that your dh will reform his ways and become the loving husband your heart is pining for.

Forget the Disney ending. There are LOADS of men out there who could make you happier. And that’s what you deserve .

Don’t settle. Be your own best friend; Leave now and stay afresh.

Original poster
Definitelynotem · 11/02/2023 12:19

Thanks for the advice everyone, it is hard as he says that he wants to make things better and for things to work, but it’s not followed up with action. Then when I say I want to go he seems angry with me and says he can’t believe I’m ending things over this, which makes me question my sanity

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 11/02/2023 12:26

He's a leach. You said it yourself, it's not a marriage.

He's a literary car crash waiting to happen.
What if he'd ran over a mother and baby coked up on drugs before the police stopped him? He could next time. And there will be a next time.

Say you live another 50 years, you could meet so many lovely, caring, emotionally healthy men in that time. Don't waste another minute on one that is incapable of being that.

He hid who he really was until you were married. He's a snake. And he'll squeeze the life from you if you don't get away.

Pinkbonbon · 11/02/2023 12:26

*literal

Pinkbonbon · 11/02/2023 12:30

Definitelynotem · 11/02/2023 12:19

Thanks for the advice everyone, it is hard as he says that he wants to make things better and for things to work, but it’s not followed up with action. Then when I say I want to go he seems angry with me and says he can’t believe I’m ending things over this, which makes me question my sanity

Someone who drives you crazy abd makes you question your own sanity is not a suitable partner.

Relationships should for the most part, be as easy as breathing. They should feel like warm, safe, joyous places. Not sources of constant stress or pits of despair.

GrumpyPanda · 11/02/2023 12:33

Run! And in the meantime, please reassure us you've got bombproof contraception in place.

billy1966 · 11/02/2023 12:35

Of course he wants things to work.

He is an addict and managed to marry a mug who will pay for his life and he can carry on snorting.🙄

You are so silly.

What a waste of your life.

Get out now or wake up one morning accidentally pregnant and your life really ruined.

You are a MUG.

If you were my daughter I would be utterly devastated at you throwing your precious life away on a complete waste of space.

Of course he gets angry when you object.

He wants you to stay stupid and putting up with his bullshit.

Cop on and grow up OP.

You have one life.

Oh and be very wary of him putting debt in YOUR name.

Thats what scum like him does.

SCUM that you married.🙄

Christmaspyjamas · 11/02/2023 12:36

He's a mess and the sooner you leave the sooner you can start a happy life. Dont delay.

Warspite · 11/02/2023 12:37

Please please do not get pregnant by him. This issue needs to be sorted out first.
If you think therapy or counselling might help and he is willing, explore that option then ….
You can truly say with hand on heart, you have tried everything but he hadn’t changed.

I am so sorry you are being challenged in this way but frankly if you were my daughter I’d be advising you to get out.

He’s got a drug habit but is couching it in such a way he is diminishing your concern. Do you see a long term marriage clouded by this and the £s he spends on it?
Sending a hug. 💐

Aquamarine1029 · 11/02/2023 12:38

Staying with this man would be the biggest mistake of your life. He's a walking disaster and he'll bring you right down with him. Run for your fucking life.

NotMyDayJob · 11/02/2023 12:39

£5k drug debt? For the love of god, do not get pregnant and get out now while you still can

DottyLittleRainbow · 11/02/2023 12:39

Leave now before you have children. His behaviour sounds like it is escalating.

NotMyDayJob · 11/02/2023 12:40

Oh and he doesn't want to make things better, he just wants to say the right things so you don't leave and keep bankrolling him.

You deserve so much more than this

Mabelface · 11/02/2023 12:42

If you were my daughter, I'd tell you that my home is always your home and you'd be very welcome if and when you split from him. It's just not going to get any better for you. His first love is coke, his mates come next and you're somewhere at the bottom of the pile. Get him gone. He can be as angry as he wants, but you don't actually need anyone else's permission to leave him.

Mamoun · 11/02/2023 12:42

Do not get pregnant and leave. You're young and you have your life ahead of you.

Pixiedust1234 · 11/02/2023 12:48

I take it he doesn't work, or work in a full time job, which means you are paying for him to snort coke, eat, drink and have a roof over his head. In short, you have married a cocklodger.

Get rid, it won't get any better unless he gets drug support from his GP, debt counselling, and a full time job. And he doesn't love you enough to do that otherwise he would have done it by now. You are better than this Flowers

Darhon · 11/02/2023 12:50

Go whilst it’s a silly youthful mistake and not someone you’ve wasted decades of your life on.

Aquamarine1029 · 11/02/2023 12:53

My daughter is your age, op. If she were in your situation, I would beg her to leave her husband. It would be a fucking tragedy if you allow your youth and life to be wasted by this man.

Pinkdelight3 · 11/02/2023 12:53

Stay and support him?? Fuck that. He'll say whatever he needs to say to get you to stay and keep funding his habit, and never mind if it screws with your mental health. You need to support yourself and leave. Don't be like him - follow your words through with actions. What do you expect him to say when you say you want to leave? He's hardly going to say - absolutely, you must go and leave me to pay my own bills so I can't afford coke any more. You can't ask him for a steer on this. Listen to your gut and get the hell out of there. Better to draw a line now and chalk this one up to youthful error that will fade into the past. Don't go sticking it out for pride or 'love' or to prove some point - the only point you'll end up proving is that you were wrong to marry young after all. No shame in learning from your mistakes, but please do learn and leave.

TwilightSkies · 11/02/2023 12:55

Oh god. Leave!
There isn’t one single reason for you to stay.

Original poster
Definitelynotem · 11/02/2023 12:57

billy1966 · 11/02/2023 12:35

Of course he wants things to work.

He is an addict and managed to marry a mug who will pay for his life and he can carry on snorting.🙄

You are so silly.

What a waste of your life.

Get out now or wake up one morning accidentally pregnant and your life really ruined.

You are a MUG.

If you were my daughter I would be utterly devastated at you throwing your precious life away on a complete waste of space.

Of course he gets angry when you object.

He wants you to stay stupid and putting up with his bullshit.

Cop on and grow up OP.

You have one life.

Oh and be very wary of him putting debt in YOUR name.

Thats what scum like him does.

SCUM that you married.🙄

This feels a bit harsh, he wasn’t like this when we married (or obviously I wouldn’t have married him). I am deeply ashamed of his behaviour and am doing what I can now to make the right decision and get out

OP posts:
Somanysocks · 11/02/2023 12:57

Do a pros and cons list. I have found it will be very revealing and give you your answer. One side will be a lot longer than the other.

Please don't waste your life, you are still so young.