Should I leave?

[Definitelynotem]

I’ve been married to DH for only 1.5 years. I’m 24 and naively ignored advice about getting married young, I didn’t expect my situation to change so drastically in such little time.

Since we’ve been married, he’s started going to his friends’ more, probably four times a week and at least one night of the weekend, sometimes both and Sunday night. He’s also racked up over 5k of debt on cocaine after a few binges last year. He kept this a secret and I almost left in September last year, but I decided to stay and support him. He ended up doing it again for a week in December and then again last week, when he was arrested for drug driving over an hour away from our house. It’s never a continuous habit, but it seems like he can’t go more than a few months without a week’s binge on it where he spends insane amounts. He has stopped now (I don’t know for how long).

I do love him, and I wish things could be how they were before we were married. I’m not sure if we even have a marriage. He always seems to be at his friends or asleep, on a weekend he sleeps basically all day, only waking up for food and to go to his friends. We do have nice moments sometimes, but I feel like I’m being walked over here.

Also to add that I’m the breadwinner and pay more to the bills and I also pay for all of our holidays, so no issues money wise and we have no kids.

I guess I’m just looking for some outside perspectives, I’ve been feeling very low lately and have little support here

Thank you for the words of encouragement everyone, I know what I need to do now and I will have the talk with him later today. I feel incredibly low and I don’t want to feel like this anymore, so hopefully this is the start of something better

Personally I would leave now before any kids come along and it becomes way more complicated

Of course he doesn’t want to split up. You’re his meal ticket. He’s landed on his feet and will be lucky to meet anyone even vaguely as good as you. You have a short marriage and no kids so it should be easy enough to get divorced if you do it now.

Also to add that I am on the implant and 100% do not want kids with this man! I have been silly but not that silly, thank goodness

The question should be "why should I stay?" Loving him isn't enough to make up for all the hideousness of this.

He’s a disrespectful cocklodger who racks up drug debts and risks killing people by dangerous driving. He spends his time with friends rather than you.

He may have seemed likeable when you met, but I can’t see any reason why you’d even consider staying with him now you know his real character. It’s not worth counselling. Please get out before he does you any real harm. And for pity’s sake don’t get pregnant!

He may not be an addict in the way you or I might recognise OP but for the coke to keep pulling him back when he knows what he's risking there is an addiction issue here and most addicts need to hit rock bottom before there's any chance of recovery. I'm telling you this in the hope it will help you to reframe the way you look at this situation and realise that you won't be helping him (or yourself) by staying, in fact it would be an open invite for him to carry on as he is because he knows there will be no consequences.

Leaving actually gives both of you the best chance, losing you may be the catalyst he needs to do the necessary work to beat his addiction and if it isn't then at least he's not dragging you down with him. It's crystal clear what you're signing up for if you stay now you can see the pattern though, this will get worse rather than better and could easily ruin both your lives.

He does have a full time job and contributes to bills proportionally to his income, but I know that doesn’t really help the situation. He’s still in debt that he can’t really afford to be in and obviously doesn’t really bring anything else to the table

I strongly caution you to avoid "talking" too much. There's nothing to talk about here, you tell him it's over and you're divorcing him. Addicts like him are master manipulators and he will pull out all the stops in gaslighting you to make you stay. Please don't fall for his lies.

Op I wasted from 22 to 27 on an absolute waste of a man. Please don’t do the same.
Youre not silly, you’re young and still learning stuff.
Leave him and all his issues and go and enjoy your life x

Talking to him will be a waste of time particularly if you were to talk to him about his addiction. His priority is drugs, not you and it’s never been you either.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. How is it you married this man?.

This is a good point thank you, I think after the drug driving I just assumed things would be over and he would leave, but he somehow wormed his way out and I know I need to be much firmer if I’m going to avoid being manipulated again

He’s not in debt, you both are. You need to end this marriage and the financial tie asap, things can get so much worse very quickly with an addict

which makes me question my sanity

I am afraid that this is the script..... to make you feel that the problem lies with you when your logical brain knows absolutely that his behaviour is unacceptable. He will continue this brain-washing for the rest of your married life.

Leave now while there is enough of your logical brain still intact and before he destroys it all.

Please leave him. My ex partner was the same! Wasn't any issues at the start but it just got worse and worse.I stayed with him for 4 years.
He will never change so please don't make the same mistake I did.
Leave ASAP

Yes, you leave!! He’s a drug addict and it’s highly likely he’s sleeping with other druggies when he is wasted and out of the house.

The longer you stay the more money you will need to pay him when you eventually divorce.

I know you aren’t ready to leave him. So I propose you divorce him and tell him you can continue seeing each other if he undertakes to stay clean. He won’t stay clean and it’s highly likely he will infect you with hepatitis or gonorrhoea. Btw there is a strain of gonorrhoea which doesn’t respond to any type of antibiotics- so it’s not curable.

The most important thing you can do now is make your decision and get out.

Pack a bag, talk to family.

It seems very strange that all this behaviour has come from nowhere.

His behaviour is extreme addiction.
Drug driving is serious stuff.

All in 18 months?

You do NOT owe him any futher discussion on this.

You are done.

Wasters like him drag their partners into the gutter.

You married him?
So what?
No children?
No consequences then.

Don't spend another penny supporting him.

If you don't own property and are renting, contact the LL and tell the truth, his drug addiction means your marriage is over and could he let you out of the agreement?

He will hardly want a coke head living there.

You owe him nothing.
He broke EVERY vow to you.

Get the hell out and don't feel guilty, nor look back.

My friend called her mistake a starter marriage and went on to meet a great man.

Take some time, heal, learn, and move the hell on.

Run. For. The. Hills.

This won't get better, it will only get worse. I imagine he had been hiding some of this behaviour until you were married as you'd be less likely to leave. Fuck that.

He was the one that wasn't old enough/mature enough to get married. You can't have children with this. You've realised your mistake, he is always going to be a burden to you and you will always be paying for this child. Cut your losses and learn your lesson. Don't keep falling for the same meaningless promises - it makes you look like a fool and he knows you'll let him get away with it because it's that or leave. So now you need to prove him wrong, prove you're not a fool and walk away and don't look back. I don't think it would be long before you were wondering what you ever saw in him.