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Original poster

Want to end my relationship but there's complications and I don't know what to do.

31 replies

seavers272 · 11/02/2023 07:19

As the title says, I want to end my relationship with my boyfriend of 7 years, but I feel there's so many hurdles and I just don't know what to do.
I have been with my boyfriend for 7 years, and have lived with him and his parents for the entirety of that time (I'm 26 he's 32), I have never had a good relationship with his mother and he is profoundly aware of this. She is narcissistic, she never liked me, and she interferes in my life. I don't have close friends or family around me. This has hugely impacted my mental health and again, he is profoundly aware.
I feel I have fallen out of love with him. We have a small bedroom in his parents place and that is all, I feel I have nothing to my name, can't go anywhere, do anything. I work 5 days a week and come home, then repeat.
At the end of last year, we had an argument and I explained to him I don't think I love him like I used to. I explained why. I told him I want to leave, get my own place, and maybe keep trying with him to see if my mental health improves he was adamant this couldn't happen and if I left we would have to break up. I told him this was ridiculous. He reacted badly, making an effort to leave to go to drink and his mother got involved and accused me of using him and abusing him.
I never left and I am miserable. I want to leave but have no idea where to start.
We have a holiday booked for this year as well and I just have no desire to be with him that long.
To make matters worse, I think I'm falling for someone else in my life, and I think about them all the time. Have not acted on this and don't want to, but I do.

I genuinely have no one and no idea what to do. I haven't spoken to my family about this in too much detail as I don't want to raise any alarms for my safety.

OP posts:
KangarooKenny · 11/02/2023 07:21

You need to rip off the plaster and end it. Sounds like everyone involved will be better off.
Forget holidays, just get out.

Reclining · 11/02/2023 07:23

I don't see what's keeping you there tbh.. could you move back in with your parents for a bit?

Paperdolly · 11/02/2023 07:24

Give Women’s Aid a ring. I think you will find their advice most helpful.

FenghuangHoyan · 11/02/2023 07:28

I don't see what the complications are. The current situation is affecting your mental health and when you told your boyfriend, he ran to his mum who he knows is adversely affecting you. Living in my in-laws house for that long would make me suicidal, never mind affect my mh. The holiday is just money.

You should move out as quickly as you can and if need be go back to your parents. Oh and obviously break up with the uncaring mummies boy. What the hells a 32 year old bloke living at his parents with his girlfriend for 7 years.

OP this isn't complicated. Ring your parents and tell them it's over (or a friend). Pack your bags. Leave. Don't ever go back. Move on and get well again.

Pixiedust1234 · 11/02/2023 07:28

I'm not surprised you don't get on with his mother. You are an adult living in another person's house and that is never a good mix, even if you are related to them. Hopefully after all this time you have managed to get some decent savings behind you so you should have enough for a rental deposit near you. Go to the local estate agents and see what they have and what the rental market is like. Once you are out then you can re evaluate the relationship and the holiday, although you might have to forget about both.

wildseas · 11/02/2023 07:28

If it was me I’d start by working out where I could live.

Could a house share be a good option? Jump onto some of the house share sites like spare room and work out where you would like to live, how much it would cost, can you afford it.

Do you have savings? If not have a really frugal month this month and save up some money so that you’ve got a bit of a cushion.

Get out there and look at some options for rental, sign up for something that you like, get all the contract etc sorted.

Then tell your boyfriend that you’re splitting up and move out the next day.

I think you’ll just need to forfeit the holiday. Hard as that is, this is the rest of your life.

MrsRickAstley · 11/02/2023 07:32

Are you living there to save money ? If not get the hell out.

MrsPicklesonSmythe · 11/02/2023 07:37

I'd say you have one of the least complicated arrangements to leave!

Firstly, work out a budget, a house share would be a good stepping stone for cheap living for the first 6 months as they often include bills.

Go on rightmove and see what's available close to your job. Call the agents and they'll tell you what you can afford to apply for. There are ways you can avoid needing a deposit so don't let that be a barrier.

I'd get it all set up, sign, get the keys and then tell him you're going. You don't have to give him an address just go.

Not many people could live how you're living now I couldn't.

category12 · 11/02/2023 07:37

What are your obstacles to leaving?

If you don't anywhere to go or any family or friends who could put you up temporarily, look for a house-share or bedsit to start off? Spare room.com?

MichelleScarn · 11/02/2023 07:37

How long were you going out before you moved in? Were his parents asked when you moved in at 19 or was it the stealth move in oft mentioned here by posters where their dc's partner stays over for a weekend then this increases till they never leave?
If you're working 5 days a week, unless you are paying significant dig money you must have good savings between you for a rental deposit?

category12 · 11/02/2023 07:40

And the holiday doesn't matter. Stop paying towards it/cancel, or one of you go with a mate instead.

Name999999 · 11/02/2023 07:43

He and his mum are essentially keeping you a prisoner. Bizarre behaviour and why does he at the age of 32 still live with his parents. He’s a fair bit older than you and sounds very controlling.

It must feel overwhelming and complicated but as PP said call Women’s Aid. Start putting a list in place of what you need and where you need to go.

There is no joint property. No children. No assets to divide, just a holiday. Simply don’t go. Leave.

Good luck OP you’ve got this!!

KellyJonesLeatherTrousers · 11/02/2023 07:46

What are your barriers? This reads as if you could walk out today and not look back? You’re working, have no contractual ties to where you’re living, no marriage, no kids?

Doingmybest12 · 11/02/2023 07:48

I would look for a house share and move out. If the relationship ends so be it. What are the hurdles you talk of ? It will be hard but no joint property , no children, you work , so go for it sooner rather than later.

romdowa · 11/02/2023 07:50

You start by saving money , enough for a deposit and a month's rent in a share house. I wouldn't let him know you are doing this. Once you've that money find somewhere to live and then move out.

747jumbo · 11/02/2023 07:52

You are working. Leave. Get a house share - you don't have kids or a lot of stuff. You can think again later about moving somewhere new if you want to.

Learn how to be independent. It'll feel great! Freedom to find out who you are.

This relationship is going nowhere.

flabbygoldfish · 11/02/2023 07:59

Why are you both living with his parents after all this time? This relationship sounds like a lost cause.

completely get why you are over this & extracting yourself won’t be pleasant. But just find somewhere else to live quietly, and just tell him whilst you are out of the house away from the MIL.

but speak to your family and ask for their help. Maybe one of them can be with you as you move out. The mil is a bully and she does this because you are alone and she thinks you are vulnerable. If you have someone by your side it will make things much easier.

GiltEdges · 11/02/2023 07:59

I mean this kindly OP, but it couldn’t really be any simpler for you to leave by the sounds of it. I think your current frame of mind is possibly affecting your judgement around this. A jointly owned/rented home, children, pets, caring responsibilities. These are all obstacles. A holiday booked for later this year is not. Just leave.

goldennotyetoldie · 11/02/2023 08:01

Morning.

Where to start?

You already seem to know that for you the relationship is not working and is over. That's a good start.

Next, is facing the fear of going it alone with a limited support network. That said you'd be surprised how helpful and lovely people can be , even don't know them that well. For example I worked with a woman years back who was in a horrible relationship and couldn't afford to escape. I offered for her to share my tiny 1 bed. We ended up in bunk beds 😂 but had a good laugh and it worked so well.

As PP have said, look at house shares to start with. Gather your finances, work out the basics you'd need (bedding - cheap from a supermarket), maybe a few pots and pans (FB marketplace). Budget for those.

I've just helped one of DD friends the same age as you leave a toxic home situation, and move to a house share. She was scared silly but is having the most lovely liberating time now. In her own space, doing things her own way. She's starting to build a whole new life.

So, make your plans, set the date and go for it. Given the rather toxic situation at present I'd keep plans to myself until you are ready to walk out the door. If you can ask a friend to help you to carry your stuff out the the car/taxi that's transporting you, I'd recommend that as it can diffuse any conflict. And don't worry if they do get shirty (controlling people hate it when their victims take the power away from them). Just leave. Leave their madness and shouting and rage and negativity behind you. You don't be,king there. You have better ways to live.

You are young , have so much life and opportunity ahead of you. You deserve the best that life has to offer. Go fetch !

BadNomad · 11/02/2023 08:03

Leave, but don't start anything with the other person. You need time on your own first.

FenghuangHoyan · 11/02/2023 08:09

goldennotyetoldie · 11/02/2023 08:01

Morning.

Where to start?

You already seem to know that for you the relationship is not working and is over. That's a good start.

Next, is facing the fear of going it alone with a limited support network. That said you'd be surprised how helpful and lovely people can be , even don't know them that well. For example I worked with a woman years back who was in a horrible relationship and couldn't afford to escape. I offered for her to share my tiny 1 bed. We ended up in bunk beds 😂 but had a good laugh and it worked so well.

As PP have said, look at house shares to start with. Gather your finances, work out the basics you'd need (bedding - cheap from a supermarket), maybe a few pots and pans (FB marketplace). Budget for those.

I've just helped one of DD friends the same age as you leave a toxic home situation, and move to a house share. She was scared silly but is having the most lovely liberating time now. In her own space, doing things her own way. She's starting to build a whole new life.

So, make your plans, set the date and go for it. Given the rather toxic situation at present I'd keep plans to myself until you are ready to walk out the door. If you can ask a friend to help you to carry your stuff out the the car/taxi that's transporting you, I'd recommend that as it can diffuse any conflict. And don't worry if they do get shirty (controlling people hate it when their victims take the power away from them). Just leave. Leave their madness and shouting and rage and negativity behind you. You don't be,king there. You have better ways to live.

You are young , have so much life and opportunity ahead of you. You deserve the best that life has to offer. Go fetch !

That's a good post. Well done.

Campervangirl · 11/02/2023 08:11

I'm 30 yrs older than you op and have just ended a 15 yr relationship, let me just tell you this.
Life is short, life is too short to be unhappy, life is too short to waste on a failing relationship.
At 26 you should be living your best life, you should be holidaying with girlfriends, drinking a cheeky cocktail after work, doing a hobby, going to the gym.
Christ, what I wouldn't give to be 26 again and do it all again differently.
You've put 7 yrs into your relationship, you've given it a good shot, don't think it's 7 yrs wasted, it's not, staying in that relationship any longer when you're not happy will be a waste.
Tbh it sounds miserable especially with his DM getting involved.
Have you got a family member or friend that you could stay with?
If so, wait until you're alone in the house, pack your stuff and leave, you can ring your partner afterwards and say you've left.
Seriously op, take it from someone who knows, save yourself, get out, enjoy your life and don't look back ❤️

Bananalanacake · 11/02/2023 08:48

Why move in so quickly, you can have a relationship without living together. I was 23 when I moved to London and lived in a house share, no way would I be tied down to a man. I also think you should find a house share and only tell him when you have moved out. Do you have a social life, go out with your colleagues.

Shortpoet · 11/02/2023 09:01

He doesn’t have to agree to the break up for you to move out. He doesn’t need to accept or agree with it.

I was in a similar situation to you in my mid 20s. Felt trapped by a man who used every emotional manipulation technique there was to try to get me to stay. I felt so trapped. But actually there was nothing actually holding me there. Nothing financial, legal or children. Just my own misplaced guilt.

Youve been with him nearly all your adult life. You probably don’t even know where your boundaries are or what’s normal or fair in a relationship.

Forget the holiday. Think of the lost money as a leaving tax. Don’t stay with him just because of a holiday you don’t want to go on with him. The money has gone. Accept it.

I ended up in a house share through a friend of a friend. You gave a job, so that’s great. Ask around at work if anyone knows of any house shares or lodger arrangements going. They’ll be something, somewhere suitable.

You’ll feel a million times better being single and providing for yourself.

ItchyBillco · 11/02/2023 09:40

Just pack up and leave that bunch of maniacs behind.

He sounds absolutely gross.