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Original poster

Relationship after pregnancy - body issues

31 replies

Marzipangirl3 · 10/02/2023 18:28

I’m hoping someone has some words of wisdom and advice as I’m finding things quite overwhelming. I gave birth to my first DC around 7 weeks ago. DH and I had basically no intimacy for the last 3 months of my pregnancy (once I started showing) as my DH didn’t want to be intimate with me whilst I had a bump - although he was happy for me to give him oral sex occasionally. I had some health issues at this time anyway so wasn’t feeling particularly great, so ignored this and thought things would be okay once I’d given birth. Things have instead gotten worse. I ended up with an episiotomy which became infected and hasn’t healed well/properly at all. I have a huge chunk of skin missing where the edges didn’t go back together and have been advised it will hopefully heal in time, but could be months. It is possible however that my body won’t begin to secondary heal, I’ve just got to wait. It’s still sore and sometimes painful. I have issues with my bladder and bowel, which again I’ve been told should improve in time. I’m back to my pre-pregnancy weight and dress size but my boobs are flat and my abdominal skin is loose and flabby. I have never felt so bad about my body in my life. I see so many things online saying that we should love our bodies for carrying and birthing our babies but I just feel like mine is the source of sadness, pain and embarrassment. Needless to say, I have not let my DH see my body, never mind touch it. The thought of intimacy makes me feel sick. Lots of people have started having sex again by this stage PP, and I suppose my question is, how? How do other woman feel confident enough to do that when everything with their body has changed? I feel so disgusting and it’s with multiple things (vagina, boobs and belly). I have discussed this with my DH so he knows I’m upset. He has initiated a few times and asked for oral sex, which I’ve done, but I find it all upsetting because it reminds me that we’ve had no real intimacy in months now because of the changes my body has been through, and it’s more about me just satisfying him. It has caused arguments because he expects me to want to satisfy him even if I can’t have sex. I feel like if things don’t improve it might be the end of our marriage.

OP posts:
LoekMa · 10/02/2023 18:37

I gave birth to my first DC around 7 weeks ago.
[...]
Lots of people have started having sex again by this stage PP

Holy Christ OP, give yourself and your 😽a break. I had COVID and even that took me longer to recover from, let alone pushing a whole human out of my body.

What is the rush? Your Partner was satisfied with Oral before? Why can't that continue until your new normal..has become more normal?

Watchkeys · 10/02/2023 18:46

It has caused arguments because he expects me to want to satisfy him even if I can’t have sex

How do you feel about him having this expectation of you? If he went through something really tough that changed his body in a way he hated, and he was still physically healing, psychologically recovering, and trying to get used to being responsible for a newborn all at once, with the addition of a bunch of hormones he'd never met before, would you 'expect him to want to satisfy' you? It doesn't sound very loving, does it? 'Darling, I know you feel like utter shite, but I do expect you to give me orgasms, let me put my bits in your mouth, or I'll argue with you.'

What do you expect of him, and does he care about that?

lmnabc · 10/02/2023 19:00

OP please give yourself more time. You've brought a beautiful baby into the world and neither you or your body are ready to restart sex. There's no reason why you should do oral. Your husband can look after his own needs for goodness sake.

Original poster
Marzipangirl3 · 10/02/2023 20:19

Thanks for the replies. I think perhaps it’s just been so long and I felt rejected during the end stages of my pregnancy and now it’s not back to how I thought it would be. Although I wouldn’t normally mind giving him oral sex, it all feels odd atm as he doesn’t kiss or cuddle me unless he wants me to do it.
I would love to start the gym once I’m healed but DH is out doing hobbies most evenings and at least one day on the weekend, and I’m so exhausted from running the house and caring for DC anyway.

OP posts:
Eastereggsboxedupready · 10/02/2023 20:22

Throw him a toilet roll and tell him it's self service..
What a cunt.

QueefQueen80s · 10/02/2023 20:24

I'm sorry but what were his reasons for not wanting sex while you had a bump?
Sounds like he makes you feel insecure generally for you to be feeling like this. Does he fancy super toned women, is he sleazy? He should make you feel like a goddess.

Pastorswife · 10/02/2023 20:25

I had an episiotomy with my first baby, involving lots of stitches which burst on day 3 in the maternity ward. Utter hell. I’ve never been in so much pain in my life.

I was prescribed 9 sessions with a post-natal physio which was increased to 18 sessions after a full assessment of the damage had been done. It took 6 months of intense physio to get my pelvic floor and surrounding area back to some semblance of normalcy.

Episiotomies are horrendous and take a long time to heal. At 7 weeks post partum I don’t think you should be considering sex yet. You need to be assessed by a professional to check on the situation with healing.

I won’t comment on the sexual aspects of your relationship with your husband, as I’m sure others will do this.

But please OP - take your time to recover and make sure you allow yourself the time to attend physiotherapy sessions and do your exercises. Your sexual health and how you feel about your body is important, not for your husband for for you.

Original poster
Marzipangirl3 · 10/02/2023 20:27

QueefQueen80s · 10/02/2023 20:24

I'm sorry but what were his reasons for not wanting sex while you had a bump?
Sounds like he makes you feel insecure generally for you to be feeling like this. Does he fancy super toned women, is he sleazy? He should make you feel like a goddess.

Just that it felt weird as it made him think of the baby and put him off sex/thinking of me I a sexual way. We did try things like him performing oral sex on me but he seemed super uncomfortable so it was awkward for me

OP posts:
PercyPigs1 · 10/02/2023 20:29

Please don't feel like you have to be ready for sex at a certain time. If it helps, I think we hardly had sex when I was pregnant as I was too uncomfortable and it was at least 6 months after the birth that I felt remotely interested in the idea then it was on/off for ages.You do need time to heal physically and hopefully your partner will understand that. Things like exercise will be possible again - you can go for walks with the baby in a sling or pushchair . I used to power walk which got the heart rate up. Jo Wicks workouts etc can be fitted in when babies are napping etc if you fancy them but if you're too tired don't worry. I've found if I'm creative I can make a lot work and have invested in home equipment like weights and skipping rope, but going to the gym is unrealistic. I hope you feel better about yourself soon - what you've done is amazing Smile

Original poster
Marzipangirl3 · 10/02/2023 20:29

Pastorswife · 10/02/2023 20:25

I had an episiotomy with my first baby, involving lots of stitches which burst on day 3 in the maternity ward. Utter hell. I’ve never been in so much pain in my life.

I was prescribed 9 sessions with a post-natal physio which was increased to 18 sessions after a full assessment of the damage had been done. It took 6 months of intense physio to get my pelvic floor and surrounding area back to some semblance of normalcy.

Episiotomies are horrendous and take a long time to heal. At 7 weeks post partum I don’t think you should be considering sex yet. You need to be assessed by a professional to check on the situation with healing.

I won’t comment on the sexual aspects of your relationship with your husband, as I’m sure others will do this.

But please OP - take your time to recover and make sure you allow yourself the time to attend physiotherapy sessions and do your exercises. Your sexual health and how you feel about your body is important, not for your husband for for you.

Sorry to hear you went through that, it sounds awful. Have you been able to have sex successfully after the physio?

OP posts:
skywalkersweetie · 10/02/2023 20:30

7 weeks is practically nothing!! Give yourself months if need be, your body has just been through a huge amount and sounds like it still is healing!
There's no rush, you need to feel ready.
Body image issues will improve in time once the newborn stage is over and you can get out for even simple walks or activity groups

Watchkeys · 10/02/2023 20:30

it all feels odd atm as he doesn’t kiss or cuddle me unless he wants me to do it

So he only shows you affection if he wants a blowjob?

user14728317890 · 10/02/2023 20:31

I know it doesn't feel like it, but 7 weeks is so soon to be worrying about this! It's going to take time for your body to heal.
It's amazing you are already at your pre pregnancy weight and perhaps that's why you're expecting the rest of your body to be back to normal as well. Honestly it's going to take some time and 7 weeks is no time at all.
Also lots of women haven't started to be intimate again by 7 weeks. When I had my 8 week check up with the doctor I just laughed when he asked if I had resumed sex again.

Nothingbuttheglory · 10/02/2023 20:32

Your DH sounds horrible 😥 why the fuck is he not supporting you? Why the fuck is he demanding blowjobs from an ill heavily pregnant wife? Why the fuck is he out most nights when he has a 7-week old and postpartum wife at home? Fucking hell.

With regards to your body, OP, 7 weeks is absolutely nothing. The standard refrain is "9 months in, 9 months out" but your body continues to recover for a good 18 months after birth.

But you have bigger problems than some loose skin on your belly. Sorry.

Schnittlauch · 10/02/2023 20:42

I spent a week in hospital after the birth of DC1, during which we both almost died. On discharge, they asked me what form of contraception I was planning to use. I thought they were insane, as I was clearly never having sex again as long as I lived, after the surgery I had needed after said birth (an episiotomy was the least of it). I had another baby 20 months later, so clearly something was working 11 months post partum, but clearly not before that, as my experience was "have sex = become pregnant". My exercise when the DC were small all involved huge amounts of walking (like you, I went back to my pre-baby weight more or less immediately, but hated my body).

Your problem, though, isn't your body. It is that your husband is pursuing his own agenda every evening and one day per weekend. That is a massively bigger problem than when or how you have sex.

Botw1 · 10/02/2023 20:52

Wtf?

You had a baby 7 weeks ago and are already talking about being back to pre pregnancy weight? Why is that important?

You had an infected wound 7 weeks ago! Of course it won't have healed yet.

Why are you giving your oh oral sex when he is clearly doing fuck all to make you feel better?

Why on earth is he out every night and a day at the weekend when he just became a father?

Why isn't he at home spending time with his child and supporting you y and why the fuck are you putting up with this shit?

SheilaFentiman · 10/02/2023 21:02

He is being awful to you. You need time to yourself.

HiImTheProblemItsMe · 10/02/2023 21:05

7 WEEKS ago??? Jfc!! That's nothing!! If your DH had been in a serious accident 7 weeks ago with an infected wound afterwards, would you be demanding he performs oral sex on you on a regular basis as he healed? Would you be pissing off out at every / any given opportunity and leaving him to it with a baby to look after? There is a huge, glaring problem in your life and none of it is to do with the appearance of your body.

You obviously feel shit right now and I'm so sorry you've had it rough - I hope you are taking really good care of yourself and find a way to feel proud of what you've done. You deserve to be properly looked after at this time by someone who makes you feel loved and safe and happy. I hope you know that!

LorenzoVonMatterhorn · 10/02/2023 21:08

he expects me to want to satisfy him
well isnt he an entitled prick.

DH is out doing hobbies most evenings and at least one day on the weekend
oh. He is one of them. Op, you have a prick of a selfish arse if a husband. Really. An absolute selfish gobshite.

BUT this has only been 7 weeks. It isnt established. It stops now. It just isnt at all acceptable.

ClearMoth · 10/02/2023 21:14

Thanks for the replies. I think perhaps it’s just been so long and I felt rejected during the end stages of my pregnancy and now it’s not back to how I thought it would be. Although I wouldn’t normally mind giving him oral sex, it all feels odd atm as he doesn’t kiss or cuddle me unless he wants me to do it.
I would love to start the gym once I’m healed but DH is out doing hobbies most evenings and at least one day on the weekend, and I’m so exhausted from running the house and caring for DC anyway.

Op this is horrible to read.

You have just given birth. You shouldn't be desperately giving blow jobs and hating yourself while your shit husband goes out every night. Wtf.

Not that this is the point at all, but it's amazing to be back at your pre pregnancy weight not even 2 months after giving birth.

He should be supporting you while you recover and you learn to be parents together. Not fucking off to the gym all the time

Why do so many men act like selfish stupid wankers when they become fathers? 😒

Crazytoddler83 · 10/02/2023 21:15

7 weeks is nothing. I had internal tearing. They then had to do an episiotomy in theatre in order to stitch the internal tearing. I remember trying to have sex around 3 months. But it was too painful. I think it was more like 6-7 months before it was ok. And longer before it was back to normal. From my experience I’m sure it will improve.

But I really don’t think you should be getting pressure to have sex/oral sex, and he should be around in the evenings to help you/ look after baby / do all the housework so you get a break.

Summer2424 · 10/02/2023 21:39

Hi @Marzipangirl3 i had my first baby 4 months ago. My body pre pregnancy was gorgeous, i'm not one to compliment myself but i just want you to know i totally hear you, i had abs, toned legs, arms, i lived in bodycon dresses, i done alot of pilates. Now, oh my god my body is not the same. I have a pouch belly and a scar (i had a c section). My legs and arms are basically not toned at all. I know i will get to a point where i will be toned up again but it will just take time.
You only had your baby 7 weeks ago, give it time.
Sending you positive vibes xx

Eastereggsboxedupready · 10/02/2023 21:42

Personally I would be day dreaming about giving him a circumcision then a wank..

Cas112 · 10/02/2023 21:45

It's only 7 weeks, give yourself time

Sapphire387 · 10/02/2023 22:22

So it's fine for your husband to not want to have sex with you because having your/his baby inside your belly gave him the ick. But you have to 'satisfy' him while still going through recovery from birth? What a prince.