Relationship after pregnancy - body issues

[Marzipangirl3]

I’m hoping someone has some words of wisdom and advice as I’m finding things quite overwhelming. I gave birth to my first DC around 7 weeks ago. DH and I had basically no intimacy for the last 3 months of my pregnancy (once I started showing) as my DH didn’t want to be intimate with me whilst I had a bump - although he was happy for me to give him oral sex occasionally. I had some health issues at this time anyway so wasn’t feeling particularly great, so ignored this and thought things would be okay once I’d given birth. Things have instead gotten worse. I ended up with an episiotomy which became infected and hasn’t healed well/properly at all. I have a huge chunk of skin missing where the edges didn’t go back together and have been advised it will hopefully heal in time, but could be months. It is possible however that my body won’t begin to secondary heal, I’ve just got to wait. It’s still sore and sometimes painful. I have issues with my bladder and bowel, which again I’ve been told should improve in time. I’m back to my pre-pregnancy weight and dress size but my boobs are flat and my abdominal skin is loose and flabby. I have never felt so bad about my body in my life. I see so many things online saying that we should love our bodies for carrying and birthing our babies but I just feel like mine is the source of sadness, pain and embarrassment. Needless to say, I have not let my DH see my body, never mind touch it. The thought of intimacy makes me feel sick. Lots of people have started having sex again by this stage PP, and I suppose my question is, how? How do other woman feel confident enough to do that when everything with their body has changed? I feel so disgusting and it’s with multiple things (vagina, boobs and belly). I have discussed this with my DH so he knows I’m upset. He has initiated a few times and asked for oral sex, which I’ve done, but I find it all upsetting because it reminds me that we’ve had no real intimacy in months now because of the changes my body has been through, and it’s more about me just satisfying him. It has caused arguments because he expects me to want to satisfy him even if I can’t have sex. I feel like if things don’t improve it might be the end of our marriage.

So sorry to read this. I had an episiotomy 14M ago and have never had pain like it. Took me 6m to have sex again.

Let your body heal, it has gone through trauma and needs rest. Why on earth is he not being there for you?!

Exactly this. He needs to be told - loudly. My DH was there with me practically every evening, All the way through the colicky evenings up to about 12 weeks. He used to do a quick footie match after work one night but was back by 7. Rest of the week home by about 6. I’m sorry but yours is a selfish git. It’s all about him - only what he wants. Nothing for you at all. No way would I accept this. You need time for your round to heal and you need love and support. He needs to get his act together.
I was upset by my overhang and wound after DS2 (section) but I just accepted it in the end. The wound healed and the flab shrunk a bit. I would have had little respect for DH if it had bothered him because at the end of the day my body had done a great thing birthing two DC.

Yes, everything got back to normal after 6 months. I’ve had a second child which was much easier: shorter labour and only a tiny tear which required 1 stitch and healed quickly. I still did 9 sessions after my second child, just to feel myself again.

I don’t tell you all this so that I can share my life story - it’s to show you how much you need to prioritise yourself and your recovery! Your husband needs to respect that and help you in any way he can to recover. Taking baby so you can go to appointments, the gym etc. Whatever you need.

You’re also being too hard on yourself regarding your body at 7 weeks postpartum. I also lost the baby weight quickly but the saggy stomach and flat boobs stuck around for a looooong time. In fact, my boobs will never be the same again. And that’s ok!! While I want to look good, I’m also realistic about the fact that my body has grown and birthed 2 children.

Does this pressure to look good and start having sex come from your husband, or are you being too hard on yourself?

It’s been 7wks. That’s so early. Your body may be different post birth but it will improve as the weeks go on. I didn’t diet or exercise until 4 months minimum as I wanted to give my body time to heal. Keep communicating with your DH, tell him you’re keen to get back to a sexual relationship but your body isn’t ready yet. He should wait, if he doesn’t then that’s a bigger issue

Recovering from birth and getting used to your new body takes a lot longer than 7 weeks for most women. Everything you’ve described - healing from birth & an episiotomy, saggy boobs and belly etc - sounds completely normal.

Whats less normal is your DH’s attitudes and the dynamic in your relationship. Why are you ‘running the house’ and giving blow jobs when you have a newborn? Why is he always out and not giving you the support you need? How are you expected to feel desirable if he isn’t affectionate unless he’s getting a BJ out of it? Are you doing all this pleasing and worrying and carrying of the relationship burdens because you want to, or because you’re expected to?

Your DH doesn’t sound great, tbh.

sounds like he might have a bit on the side. He’s showing a few signs… like out a lot doing “hobbies” and lost interest in being romantic and helping you out. Just doesn’t add up. You deserve more than the way he is treating you.