Overbearing Parents or am I being Unkind?

[Smithy92]

Hi all,

I'm looking for some advice from current parents of adult children / people of similar age in similar situations.

I'm 30 and moved out 5 years ago, my parents are 62 and 58 and retired just pre COVID. My whole life my parents have been slightly too involved with my sisters and my lives (noticed by all my friends and our respective partners). Since moving out I've tried to set boundaries i.e. not turning up unannounced, agreeing times to see them / speak etc but I feel my mother isn't understand our situation.

I currently see my mother without my partner once a week religiously, and see them with my partner every 2/3 weekends. We also call them weekly and text in family WhatsApps regularly. I still however get guilt tripped / questioned continuously around why we don't see them more. I have tried to explain I work 8-6 and my partner 7-7 5 days a week and only see my partner 2/3 hours per evening due to this. On top of this I see my friends one day on the weekend and do my own activities once in the week too.

Am I being unreasonable for not making every other Sunday dinner given I see them in the week and see them occasionally on a Saturday too or are they expecting too much? In my opinion it should be enough, and I should not feel guilt tripped into seeing them just to please their overbearing needs as that's unhealthy for us both.

The whole situation makes me uneasy as it is already causing conflict between my partner and I (we see her side of the family less due to how far away they live) & were having a baby in 2 months meaning things will only get worse. Any advice would be appreciated.

Thanks

Ugh sounds overbearing. Do they not have their own lives? If you can be bothered I suppose you could try and get to the root of why they are like this, but if they won't change then you will have to. Just start ignoring them, or tell them that the more they push the less you will contact or see them, and follow through.

Overbearing.

Could you ask them what their expectations are then point out how impossible it is for you to see them that often when you have work, hobbies, time with your partner and with her parents to factor in

perhaps if they understand that you literally don’t have the time or that in order to make the time you’d have to be unfair to your ILs or drop hobbies that are important to you, they’ll understand.

if they don’t then I’d write them off as selfish and cut back on visits as they clearly don’t value ir respect you

Its not you, its your parents and its also not your fault they are this way. Their parents more likely than not treated them the self same. They had a choice though when they became parents and sadly they took the low road and meted out exactly what they had to you. Such also is abusive behaviour and abuse is about power and control. They want absolute here over you and your family unit.

If they are too toxic/difficult/controlling for YOU to deal with, its the same deal for your child as well. You are going to have to keep your child well away from your parents going forward because they will harm that young person in not too dissimilar ways as to how you've been harmed. At the very least you now need to seriously curtail and otherwise limit the number of interactions you have with them.

People of all ages have a right to ask their parents for freedom and privacy.
For example, if your parents are speaking disrespectfully to you on the phone and you don’t like it, you can say something like: “I don’t like how you are shouting at me; if you continue to speak to me like that, I will hang up the phone.” In this scenario, you are setting the expectation that shouting at you
isn’t okay and telling your parent what will happen if they don’t respect your boundary.

Personal boundaries are best when they are clear and direct, leaving little room for misinterpretation.

Put them also on an information diet. Being cautious about what you share is another form of boundary setting. If you find that your parents become judgmental when you share your life choices with them, choosing carefully what you share with them may offer you some relief.

They don’t always need to know the intimate details of your life if it causes you distress when you try to speak with them. Remember that you are not responsible for their emotions.

Your parents are not going to change; you can only change how you react to them. I would also suggest you read "If you had controlling parents" by Dr Dan Neuharth.

They have retired early it seems and sound very controlling

I am a little older than you, but have the same issue with my parents. However, I am trying to set boundaries they are not interested in at all. Any boundary from myself is taken as an insult, I then get the silent treatment which can last hours to weeks. Its exhausting. It seems they need to get use to you having moved out and perhaps they are feeling the nest being a bit empty. But I understand all too well where you are coming form and how frustrating it can be. Keep those boundaries in place, repeat when needed.

Prob too much time on their hands op.. my mam same but she alot older. Keeps ring phone til we answer. I had to say Im working and cant reply. Its quite draining though.

You get to choose how you spend your time. In my view you probably see your parents a lot more then most people your age.
It is not okay that they put pressure on you and make you responsible for their emotions - that is emotional blackmail. They don't appear to care about what you want but act as if your job is to make them happy.
Stop defending and explaining yourself to them. Find a neutral phrase you feel comfortable with, like, "let's try to make the most of this visit, shall we?" Just repeat this when they start trying to make you feel guilty., and you can get up to go to the bathroom or get a drink of water to bring that topic of conversation to an end. If this isn't enough, you can consider is a boundary with a consequence. For some more difficult relationships this if the only way people will change they behaviour. It works like this: If they begin to pressure you, you cut the visit short. Come back for your next visit but if start again with emotional blackmail, leave. Do it every time and they may learn not to do the emotional blackmail on this issue and actually behave as if you have the basic human right to decide how to spend your own time.

https://youtube.com/shorts/zYbkj-YHlAs?feature=share

Yanbu and they are wrong to guilt trip you. They’ll get worse when you’ve had the baby unless you reassert your boundaries now. They need to understand that when they’re like this, it spoils the time you spend with them and makes it less likely you want to see them at all.
Turning up unannounced is not on.

Same!

DH's dad does it and my mum does it.

Even if we see them every weekend we still get "it's been AGES since we saw you!", "Sibling XX pops in every night / lives across the street / phones everyday"

Neither bother driving to ours. We are expected to visit them, in their houses, on their terms and they manipulate / emotionally blackmail to keep the visits longer. (When we start putting coats and shoes on my mum tends to cry over her divorce 39 years ago in the hope that we'll stay!)

Exhausting!!

It will absolutely get worse than this when the baby comes. I’m sorry to say you might not be able to rely on them for any help or childcare if that was what you were planning. They will use it against you as a power play. You need a very heavy line in the sand now about your expectations after the baby is born. I went through this wil in laws and it was horrendous.

I had the same with my mum which got worse when I had children, but in a strange way. My mum didn’t like me prioritising my baby’s needs over her wants and made me feel very stretched and overwhelmed. One day she had a massive tantrum over me not being available for her at a time she knew was like the witching hour in our house and stopped talking to me and we haven’t really spoken since.

It wasn’t until afterwards once I’d stepped back that I realised how much her behaviour/demands were stressing me when I was no longer having to deal with it. DS is now a teenager and I’m so glad she’s no longer in our lives as I feel she’d have pulled this shit with him (which I and DP would have gone nuclear about).

You need to be very firm with them and prioritise your partner and baby. Do not let them make you feel guilty, it isn't your problem if they are bored and need to get hobbies!

@Deviniaursula sorry I should probably be on dadsnet but I don't think there is one and is incredibly useful to get opposite sex opinions (I hope this is okay).

Thankyou for the responses all.

@FurAndFeathers @AttilaTheMeerkat I spoke very openly with them just now and expressed it shouldn't be a counting / tallying thing between both families, and me spending each Thursday evening with them & the occasional Saturday / Sunday was more than I saw my own friends. It basically ended in them accusing me of being the ptoblem, and my partner and I not making an effort, and the effort we do make was not enough. So I openly expressed the boundaries I'd tried to set had been ignored. I didn't feel respected, the unsolicited advice was highly unhelpful, and the opinions & judgement cast on us was even more unhelpful which caused us to not want to spend more time with them still (this is a longstanding issue my sister has tried to resolve for 15+ years). Unfortunately ended in my mother crying and being told I should never speak to her like that before hanging up (effectively saying her feelings are okay to shout about and be expressed, but mine are irrelevant and I should keep them to myself). Likely to now be a rift for some time.

This is more than just a mere rift; your parents want total obedience and no dissent or your opinions will be tolerated.

People like your parents never apologise nor will accept any responsibility for their actions. Its their way or the highway. It is no point whatsoever trying to at all reason with them because neither have no insight nor empathy. I note as well your mother is adept at turning on the tears when it suits her; that is emotional manipulation 101 from her.

Please tell me that your sister is still not trying to resolve this after 15 years because she is still wasting her time if so.

Ultimately you're going to have to cut all contact with them as they are not emotionally safe enough for you to be at all around.

Put your partner and your as yet unborn child first and uppermost in your mind.

I had a conversation with my parents about the fact I was an adult with an adult life, and while I wanted to keep in touch with them they should not be central in my life nor I in theirs. I was blunt. They were shocked and upset, but after taking some time to think about it they opened the conversation to say they agreed with me. I was surprised TBH but we’ve had a better relationship since.

Let there be a rift with your mother. Honestly, you have to just allow her to be upset. She's manipulative and controlling and you should finally put your foot down about it. Let her have her tantrum, for as long as she wants to. Stop calling and stop texting. You've been pandering to her for far too long.

AttilaTheMeerkat

I knew the minute I started reading it was your advice, you're brilliant, so insightful and articulate. I have a dreadful relationship with my DF (not dear) and take on board all you say whenever I see you post. I'm about to buy the book you recommended, are there any others please? I have the Children of the Ageing Self Absorbed by Nina Brown , an excellent source of wisdom too.

OP honestly that behaviour is totally suffocating, I really really feel for you, buy a copy of the book I mention above, it's a massive eye-opener, good luck xx

I told my mother Im a grown adult. Im your mother was the reply..... Respect is 2 ways

Hi op.

We have 4 grown up kids oldest 2 similar age to you. We also have grandchildren.

We would never visit them unannounced or do anything your parents do as we have busy lives ourselves (retired after covid)

We say we are always here anytime and support them however we can with child care/dh has just finished refitting ds2 bathroom but we respect their privacy. Christmas is at ours but it's if you want to come you welcome but do what suits you.

Your parents need a life to be honest

To add it's such a shame as if you act like this with your grown up kids they just want to visit you less. Mad really.