Overbearing Parents or am I being Unkind?

[Smithy92]

Hi all,

I'm looking for some advice from current parents of adult children / people of similar age in similar situations.

I'm 30 and moved out 5 years ago, my parents are 62 and 58 and retired just pre COVID. My whole life my parents have been slightly too involved with my sisters and my lives (noticed by all my friends and our respective partners). Since moving out I've tried to set boundaries i.e. not turning up unannounced, agreeing times to see them / speak etc but I feel my mother isn't understand our situation.

I currently see my mother without my partner once a week religiously, and see them with my partner every 2/3 weekends. We also call them weekly and text in family WhatsApps regularly. I still however get guilt tripped / questioned continuously around why we don't see them more. I have tried to explain I work 8-6 and my partner 7-7 5 days a week and only see my partner 2/3 hours per evening due to this. On top of this I see my friends one day on the weekend and do my own activities once in the week too.

Am I being unreasonable for not making every other Sunday dinner given I see them in the week and see them occasionally on a Saturday too or are they expecting too much? In my opinion it should be enough, and I should not feel guilt tripped into seeing them just to please their overbearing needs as that's unhealthy for us both.

The whole situation makes me uneasy as it is already causing conflict between my partner and I (we see her side of the family less due to how far away they live) & were having a baby in 2 months meaning things will only get worse. Any advice would be appreciated.

Thanks

I was going to say that 1 weekend in 3 or 4 and once every week is loads and really kind of you, a close nice family dynamic. Then I read that every 2/3 weekend plus in week visits isn't enough for them. I'd let the rift develop and pull right back. Doesn't sound healthy.

Of course that's an ok boundary.

Your wife must be very understanding as it sounds awful. You have your own life and don't need to see them so much, let alone a designated time as this then become the rules doesn't it? You won't have time when baby is here, and this is when you start laying your own rules down.
What are they like when you go away for the weekend? Do they cop a strop then?
Don't be bullied by them though, you have your own life and they must be bored with theirs

I would now ditch the (Thursday) evening with your parents and spend the time with wife preparing for your baby. Once the baby arrives you will not have the time for this nonsense from your parents. Your wife will need that support instead.

Yes we are the same

You can't or shouldn't micro manage your adult dcs lives and emotionally blackmail them in this fashion

Stay strong OP

It's them.
Out of curiosity, what about your grandparents? Are they (or did they) see them as frequently?

On the plus side, does this mean there's something that brings you and your sister together?(!)

Just IMO you are already seeing them and speaking to them far too much. You need to be reducing contact, not increasing it, especially as they are being quite controlling.

Thanks for the continued advice all, I really appreciate it. I've always avoided conflict with them in the past which is probably partially why things are as they are but sometimes things need to be said. Thankfully my sister did agree and voice same opinions today so shallsee how that settles.

@Fenella123 I don't think they'd ever turn up unannounced and the expectation is once a week for mum / nan. I think everyone's hit nail on the head to be honest, one of the comments today was "once a week evenings aren't enough, I want more, and more asa family". Says it all I think.

I'm roughly your parents' age and I have a DD of 29. She lives two hours drive away. I miss her soooooo much. She unexpectedly left to go back to work straight after Christmas, and I felt bereft. That's what's behind your parents' actions - they love you and want to spend time in your company. But, you have other priorities now. They ABU. My advice is to keep in touch by text and phone, but make it clear that you haven't the time to spend with them any more. Decide what you're comfortable with (Sunday lunch once a month, or whatever) and give them a ring in between times so they don't feel forgotten.

Whilst it's sad for your mother, you have a new family unit forming and that will have to take precedence to your family of origin.
As other posters mention start enjoying every second with your wife before the new arrival, lessen contact and explaining to your parents. This should also help set the new normal for after baby arrives and you both might want to nest as a family.

Wow they sounds terribly overbearing and controlling. Now is a good time to challenge it and set up strong boudaries. If you don’t it’ll be 1000% times worse when the baby is here.

Dont let them emotionally manipulate you, they are in the wrong.

You now have to sit through the discomfort of their displeasure. Not easy the first time but it gets easier as time goes on. You are not being unreasonable!

I am 29 and my parents sound very similar to yours. Because they designed my childhood (and adulthood) in a way that forced closeness, it took me a long time to come round to the idea that this is actually very toxic.

What you wrote about the "open" conversation you had with them recently sounds almost identical to a conversation I had with mine last week. I was also trying to assert boundaries but I was straight-out told that I was wrong and a liar. They, of course, are right about everything. There was zero effort to hear what I was saying, everything was immediately met with increasingly aggressive and defensive counter-arguments. This was despite me going into it very calmly and diplomatically - in fact, they even found it insulting that I was speaking to them "like strangers" and "like you're some kind of psychologist"...

Ours also ended with my mum crying and a seriously bad atmosphere (they are currently visiting, thankfully we don't live close enough to do a casual lunch).

I have to say my favourite was them saying I don't make enough of an effort or care about them enough - their line is always "do you ever think about how WE feel?"

Yes, I CONSTANTLY think about how you feel, and it's not healthy or normal!!!

You also mentioned a baby. I am so worried about this, I am not pregnant but TTC and regularly worry about how I'm going to keep my parents at bay. They constantly try to worm their way in "because you need someone to help you out" and baby seems like prime time for this. My hope is still that I won't have to cut them out completely but this is actually making me dread parenthood.

Anyway, rant over. How are things going at the moment? Are you back to speaking? How did you feel after the big argument?

Also, to everyone saying there is too much contact and OP should cut down on contact... I am curious as I've heard this advice as well, but I really don't see how I could make it happen. My mum goes into a sulk for hours (sometimes days) if I don't reply promptly or enthusiastically enough to her WhatsApps - a slow fade would be painful and frustrating on all sides. Equally, when I've suggested less communication in a more proactive way, she's gone nuts.

Is there a better approach? Thank you...

what I did with my parents was decide in my own head what level of contact I was comfortable with maintaining and I decided strategies for how I would maintain/protect that plan.

I tried talking to my parents but similar to yours they just sulked. They’re simply not capable of adult conversation.

So I decided 2x talk in the phone and 1x visit per week (this was initially when I first put in boudaries). I simply ignored any calls/texts on days I didn’t want to reply. I also ignored any guilting or manipulation. I got comfortable with saying no to their visits without it giving an explanation. Again I had to get comfortable with upsetting them and ignore their attempts to manipulate the situation.

one thing I did have to do is enforce those boudaries really hard a few times before they got the message. One day my mum text me around 30 times, called 20 odd times and when I finally saw (I’d been in work) I was terrified someone had died. Nope. She just wanted a chat. I told her her behaviour was extreme and upsetting. I then ignored all communication from her for 6 weeks. This seemed to have been a turning point for us. She has never overstepped boudaries in the same way again. Essentially she knows that if required I will drop all contact. She knows she can’t manipulate.

Not sure if that’s helpful. That’s my story though. It’s not all roses now, she does occasionally over step but it’s minimal and I have also learnt to let some of the small things go and just enforce the important stuff.