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Original poster

Best way to introduce new partner

30 replies

Meridithsgrey · 09/02/2023 19:21

Divorced 3 years. First serious relationship since. Kids are 10, 13 and 15.

If you have been here would you mind sharing how you went about it?

OP posts:
Original poster
Meridithsgrey · 09/02/2023 21:49

Anyone?

OP posts:
GreyTS · 09/02/2023 21:56

Similar ages here, no real advice can only tell you what we did. After dating for a year we told them we were in a relationship and then after 18 months we slowly started spending time at each others houses when the children were home. 3 years on we still give each other and each others kids a lot of space. I'm close to his 16 yo daughter, we do a sport together. My daughters love his company, again they have various sports and teams in common. We don't force the kids to spend much time together, occasional dinners etc, don't think blending is ever positive for children, that's just my opinion though

alittleadvicepls · 09/02/2023 22:00

When my parents got divorced and my mum started seeing someone new, she first introduced him to us as a friend. He came over for dinner maybe 2-3 times/week and then after a few months started spending the night and his presence slowly became familiar until he moved in completely.

Cigarettesaftersex1 · 09/02/2023 22:15

How long have you been seeing him?

FenghuangHoyan · 09/02/2023 22:18

I think it was a couple of months before I introduced my partner to my kids. They were happy for me and like my new partner.

Original poster
Meridithsgrey · 09/02/2023 22:58

We’ve known each other for a while, serious for the last couple of months

OP posts:
Marblessolveeverything · 09/02/2023 23:03

What's a while?

I am six years post divorce. Met partner four years ago introduced him after a year. I do holidays separately keep set days for only my children and it works for us.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 09/02/2023 23:05

I think I'd wait at least 6 months. 2 months is still the best-behaviour period.

Original poster
Meridithsgrey · 10/02/2023 07:48

I was looking for advice on how to introduce rather than when

OP posts:
GreyCarpet · 10/02/2023 07:53

After being mostly single for 10 years, I started seeing someone I'd been friends with for a few years about 18 months ago.

My children (24 and 16) love him and my daughter asks him every couple of weeks when he's moving in!

I'm not ready for that yet though and she wouldn't be either in reality.

I've always been of a 'wait 6 months before introducing' mindset. Consequently, they've only been introduced to one other man. They're both happy I've met someone.

GreyCarpet · 10/02/2023 07:54

Could you ask him in for a cup of tea before going out with him? Or go out somewhere the children like for lunch?

GreyCarpet · 10/02/2023 07:55

My daughter met him because we did a hobby together and my son joined us for a beer.

LemonTT · 10/02/2023 08:29

Meridithsgrey · 10/02/2023 07:48

I was looking for advice on how to introduce rather than when

The longevity of a relationship can matter as it is an indicator of commitment and intentions. The elephant in the room is what your relationship will mean for them?

He could be the loveliest and nicest person alive but they may not want to live with him or even socialise with him. Which is fine if he will be your boyfriend and not their stepparent.

Why are you introducing him and what do you want to achieve? How do you think they will react? Have you ever discussed having another relationship with any of them?

Tuilpmouse · 10/02/2023 08:36

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 09/02/2023 23:05

I think I'd wait at least 6 months. 2 months is still the best-behaviour period.

I think there's a big difference between being together for two months with someone new, and being serious with someone for two months that you've known for years.

Having said that, even in the latter, I'd be inclined not to do it less than six months. There should be no rush, and 2 months seems far too short irrespective of circumstances. As for someone completely new, I'd be waiting a year at least unless your children are older teens or adults.

Tuilpmouse · 10/02/2023 08:39

Meridithsgrey · 10/02/2023 07:48

I was looking for advice on how to introduce rather than when

Sorry didn't read this first.

I think the how and when are linked though.

In terms of 'how', it needs to be done ever so gradually, especially given the age of your youngest.

Marblessolveeverything · 10/02/2023 09:00

Well in my mind the how long would inform the how to. If it was a longer relationship - then I would start with neutral ground and then progress to inviting them for tea/dinner/? . Given your children's ages I would not have my partner stay over for a considerable period of time.

With the best will in the world a couple of months of being serious isn't an established relationship. When I was planning my introduction I was very mindful of my children being okay to meet this person and for that person to leave their life if the relationship breaks up.

I appreciate that this is my way of looking at it - but given they had been through one break up or loss then I was protective of their feelings and conscious of being more sure of where my relationship was. Do your children know you are dating - as I think a good bit of forewarning can help.

I hope whatever you decide it goes well.

XmasElf10 · 10/02/2023 09:52

It's a good question. My DD is 12. When she met my last partner he'd been part of my life for 10 months. She met him as a "friend" as she was much younger then. We met whilst out somewhere and he joined us for a cuppa in a cafe - very casual. Over the course of a year he gradually joined us more often for tea of an evening or for the odd weekend activity. Last summer we all went on holiday together. She was ok with his presence but still need a LOT of mummy alone time. Sadly he and I split last Autumn and I have recently started dating again. I tell her I have a date and she is mildly interested - she just want me to be happy. I have no intention of introducing any new guy until we've been dating at least 6 months. This time I think I'd just introduce someone as a boyfriend. She's old enough to understand dating these days. I have no plans of cohabiting in the future - at least not whilst DD is still at home.

baileys6904 · 10/02/2023 10:11

How and when are massively intertwined if you want it to go well.

My dps ex introduced her new interest within a few months, think via a fun trip bowling or the like, but tried to blend far too soon and now the kids resent her, one lives with us full time, and they haven't taken to the fella at all, despite the fact they're now married and living together. It's also caused endless issues between them both as a couple.
Myself and dp did things much slower, gradually introducing, they saw photos first and basically dictated when they want to meet me. My son was surprisingly the reluctant one, despite the fact I'd not been with his dad for 10 years prior, however now, we holiday all together, still do days out even though the eldest has left uni, and all genuinely enjoy spending time together. I also get on fantastically with OH kids and vice versa. It may have taken longer but it definitely paid off.

My advice? Enjoy dating and child free time together. There's no rush and a lot of adjusting to do. Once everyone's together the dynamic of your relationship will change into more mundane day to day chores and you need to be strong as a couple for that. If your relationship isn't quite there yet, it may not survive

Original poster
Meridithsgrey · 10/02/2023 10:31

They know I am dating someone, and the older two are excited. The youngest isn’t as keen. I am open with them about when I am seeing him, as they will ask what I have been up to weekends they are not here and I don’t want to lie

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startofanewlife4 · 10/02/2023 10:32

My children are a little younger, both Primary aged. I started mentioning my partner as friend to them in passing conversation about what I was doing on the weekends they were with their dad, for example 'I might go cycling this weekend with 'friend' when you're with your dad.' I planned to drop his name into conversation more and more as a friend initially and go from there. They worked out pretty quickly he was more than a friend.

Once they worked it out they started asking lots of questions about him, which I answered. I showed them pictures etc. They then asked about meeting him (this was over a few weeks from them working out we were together). The first meeting was at a park, though we parked our cars a little distance away so we could walk there and back to have a small amount of time to chat. From then on they'd see him once every 2 weeks or so, initially at neutral locations and eventually he'd come to our home to watch a film with us, have something to eat, etc. It has been a few months since they first met him now, and they see him probably 3 times a month-ish at the moment. He hasn't stayed over yet when my children are with me, but it is on the cards to happen over the next few months.

I make sure I ask them from time to time if they're happy with everything. I tell them that they will always be my priority and if they are unsure of anything then to talk to me (or someone else they feel close to).

It could be a case that I'm just very lucky but the children have taken to him so well, and he is brilliant with them (he doesn't have children of his own). We've started planning our Summer holiday (short trip) and they've asked if he can come along. I have found slow, baby steps as the best approach as well as checking in with the children often to make sure they're happy with how things are going.

Firsttimemum120 · 10/02/2023 10:36

When I met my partners child I just went round to his and I said let’s go get ice cream so we went to get ice cream and then we came home. That night I slept on the sofa and that’s how it was. We are now a blended family with our own daughter and the children love each other. I’d seriously suggest going out or going for dinner.

Original poster
Meridithsgrey · 10/02/2023 10:40

Thank you startofanewlife4, that’s helpful and glad things are working out for you

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Original poster
Meridithsgrey · 10/02/2023 10:41

and baileys6904

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ProfessorInkling · 10/02/2023 10:41

I told my children about him, and mentioned him a little more in time as they became curious. Then he came over for dinner once - honestly, it was a bit awkward, but not horrifically so. Kids liked him, it was just a bit weird I think, new. He came over to watch a film with me a few times after that, so would see the kids before they went to bed. He didn't stay overnight for a good few months.

Oopsiedaisyy · 10/02/2023 10:48

My two are 9 and 13 and while I have introduced him gently (think he was just here one day when they came over?) my 13 year old is struggling a little that i have a life outside of just them, if that makes sense. Their dad has had a gf since about 3 months after our marriage ended, whereas I think the kids got used to be being single and just theirs on their time with me. So, taking it slow....