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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

At my wits end...

27 replies

NaatQ968 · 08/02/2023 23:58

My partner and I fell madly inlove two years ago. Engaged bought a house and welcomed our beautiful baby girl in October.

Things have been great. Although I have some sort of post natal anxiety... everytime baby cries I just want to comfort her, the crying actually breaks my heart. I find myself becoming very protective, I've worried about family members having her for a few hours and it's gotten to the point that when she cries with my partner I just want to take her and comfort her myself. He stayed home for four weeks after she was born, now it's just us, I love my time with her.

But I have developed some sort of anxiety and I know what I'm doing is wrong but I can't help it... like if she's with other people I'm worried they can't settle her and she's just upset.

This has rubbed off with me doing the same with my partner, she cried tonight in the bedroom whilst he was trying to settle her for a nap that she'd been fighting but was clearly shattered. I instantly went through and just took her. He got mad and is now saying I'm taking his job as dad away from him, that all he wants to do is be her dad and help her too. I sympathise and I know I shouldn't do this. I nag at him when he does things with her like the way he holds her or feeds her... again I know it's wrong to do this, but this anxiety has completely taken over me.

I don't know what to do...

OP posts:
ASCB31 · 09/02/2023 00:04

Like you said, you already know it's not ideal to be taking over when he's trying to help, he's just learning too. However, I fully sympathise, after my first baby (nearly 5years ago)I was so different. Total personality transplant, catastrophising about absolutely everything, so stressed to leave baby with anyone. I have since started to wonder if I had mild PND, I definitely had PNA. I would suggest talking to your partner about how you're feeling, it honestly does help. My DH suffers with anxiety around travel and he always says that as soon as he tells me about it, I don't actually even have to respond, he already feels so much better. It's a very tricky time after having your first baby, so know you're not alone with feeling like this!

Original poster
NaatQ968 · 09/02/2023 00:09

It's torturing me. It's a shame cause he's so hands on, I had an emergency c section and he genuinely did everything for us. He still does. He wants to come home from work and take over. I want him to but my anxiety personality doesn't let him. I've had weird thoughts of situations, simple things like taking her out the bath... "will he slip with her?" Making s bottle "will he spill it and burn her?"
It's not just him though, it's everyone, and I'm driving myself mad with it.

OP posts:
ASCB31 · 09/02/2023 00:17

I ended up with an emergency section with my first too, hope you're managing okay!
That's catastrophising, to be imagining scenarios that you know are ridiculous and wouldn't happen but you still run through them.
I couldn't stand to let certain members of my family be alone with my first for such a long time, for reasons even now I couldn't pinpoint. Honestly speaking to him, best when baby is asleep so you're not distracted, will really help. Could you try something like having a bath for an hour when you know there will be some part of routine that needs doing, so you can't very easily intervene then. Could help you to get used to him doing stuff?

Original poster
NaatQ968 · 09/02/2023 00:22

It's absolutely brutal. It's gotten to the point he's said he will just take her out, for a few hours to let me do whatever I wanted to relax... I said I didn't want them to leave and that I'd go for a bath, lasted about 20 mins till I heard her crying and I bounced out the bath and ran to her. She was having a melt down in her chair and he was just making a bottle. He said the crying upsets him too but we can't keep jumping to her every single second. I can, and I have. Now it seems she's becoming clingy with me and that's the last thing I want.... I don't want her to refuse anyone. So I've been letting my mum and dad who are seperate have their time together. But I can't enjoy myself knowing I'm not there to comfort her.

At one point I took her off my partner as he went to check dinner and was holding her, I was scared he was gonna drop her in the air fryer. Like I know the thoughts are RIDICULOUS but they keep coming in floods....

OP posts:
PousseyNotMoira · 09/02/2023 00:27

Can you practice leaving him with her and going out? Going for a walk or going to a coffee shop and reading a book for an hour? Just physically removing yourself from the situation. You can’t grab her if you’re not there. It’ll be stressful for you the first few times, but you’ll get used to it.

Original poster
NaatQ968 · 09/02/2023 00:29

PousseyNotMoira · 09/02/2023 00:27

Can you practice leaving him with her and going out? Going for a walk or going to a coffee shop and reading a book for an hour? Just physically removing yourself from the situation. You can’t grab her if you’re not there. It’ll be stressful for you the first few times, but you’ll get used to it.

We were planning a family day tomorrow and now I don't even want to go... I've said he should take her out for the day instead...
I might try this instead!!

OP posts:
PousseyNotMoira · 09/02/2023 00:31

NaatQ968 · 09/02/2023 00:29

We were planning a family day tomorrow and now I don't even want to go... I've said he should take her out for the day instead...
I might try this instead!!

Show quote history

Yes, do that! And don’t spend all day at home worrying yourself sick, go do something else instead. Is there a friend you could meet? Or go see a film by yourself - going to the cinema alone in the middle of the day is genuinely delightful.

Have a nice day doing something you like and let them bond.

Original poster
NaatQ968 · 09/02/2023 00:35

Thank you so much for your messages, I genuinely didn't think I'd be like this. I had quite a traumatic birth... I didn't think I did at the time until the buzz wore off and people had heard about my birth and were constantly asking if I was ok... I was like hell yeah I'm great! But now I think about it, it explains where this anxiety to keep her safe and happy to the extreme has stemmed from.

OP posts:
PousseyNotMoira · 09/02/2023 00:40

NaatQ968 · 09/02/2023 00:35

Thank you so much for your messages, I genuinely didn't think I'd be like this. I had quite a traumatic birth... I didn't think I did at the time until the buzz wore off and people had heard about my birth and were constantly asking if I was ok... I was like hell yeah I'm great! But now I think about it, it explains where this anxiety to keep her safe and happy to the extreme has stemmed from.

You poor thing. You created life within your body and now you’ve separated from said life. I think it’s only natural to have some level of anxiety. Yours in clearly exacerbated by additional factors. You’re not crazy, you’re just going through a bit of a rough patch. Be kind to yourself, explain how you’re feeling to your DH and practice removing yourself from the situation. You’ll be fine. 💗

Original poster
NaatQ968 · 09/02/2023 00:45

I hope I will be. My dad had her last week and I expected him to bring her back after 3/4 hours and he had her for 7 hours, said she cried but he's had four kids and is well equipped to deal with melt downs. My mum also said the same. I do trust my family and my DH. It's not them that are the issue and I'm worried that it's how I'm coming across.

I put off doing anything for myself these days. I'm a massive Lord of the rings fan and my DH managed to get them all on the tv for me to watch whenever I wanted. Little things like this is what he does for me and I love him for it. I just feel incredibly guilty that I'm doing this to him.
I know I'm the issue, and I hope in time I do get better, I just hope he doesn't resent me in the long run.

OP posts:
mightymam · 09/02/2023 00:53

This is PND op. I had it and can relate to a lot of what you're saying. Four years on and my marriage has ended because my anxiety got worse and I pushed my husband away. Please speak to a HV or your GP.

Original poster
NaatQ968 · 09/02/2023 00:55

I hope my HV can advise me... I worry if I open up with this, it'll be used against me. Again, the anxiety and thoughts working around my mind.

I'm so sorry about your marriage.

We just booked our wedding today too, supposed to be a lovely day, that I feel like I've ruined.

OP posts:
mightymam · 09/02/2023 01:07

You're having intrusive thoughts that are causing you anxiety and won't let you relax. These are a sign of PND. Please talk to someone about them. Nobody will record this against you but they will bend over backwards to offer you the support you need to relax. Motherhood is hard, don't make it harder by denying yourself support that is out there. PND isn't your fault- it's a result of fluctuating hormone levels following childbirth. Please get help. I wish I had reached out sooner.

mightymam · 09/02/2023 01:12

https://www.huffpost.com/entry/intrusive-thoughts-my-journey-with-postpartum-depressionbb_58b86a04e4b0a8ded67b507b/amp

www.rcpsych.ac.uk/mental-health/problems-disorders/perinatal-ocd

iocdf.org/wp-content/uploads/2014/10/Postpartum-OCD-Fact-Sheet.pdf

You are NOT alone. So many of us go through this. Sending you a million hugs. You will be okay but please share what you're going through with your HV. You must be exhausted from being so hyper vigilant all the time.

skelter83 · 09/02/2023 03:31

My eldest is 10 and I am still anxious when any of my kids are not with me. It started exactly like this but I have learnt that this is my issue to worry about and to be 100% sure the kids don’t pick up on it. I have to be all cheery and relaxed so they go off and have great experiences with others who love them.

That said, it’s nothing like the catastrophising that I did when my eldest was tiny. It was all consuming like you. My eldest was a good sleeper but I never slept because was terrified of going asleep and not seeing something wrong etc. etc. etc.

Eventually it evolved into this background anxiety that I’m just used to and my logical self overrides it so I (and the kids) can function. I think for some of us, the maternal instincts go into overdrive. No particular words of advice, just to say it does get better…

savethatkitty · 09/02/2023 03:33

I think you need to seek some counselling. PND manifests itself in many ways. All the best.

Irrelevantdata · 09/02/2023 04:11

Speaking to your HV absolutely will not be used against you OP, PNA/D is an illness and all they will want to do is treat it and let you get on with caring for your baby. No one will judge you for being ill, please believe that.

You do have to do something about this though, please don't let it slide or think you can 'train' yourself out of it, you need to ask for some help. Start by talking to DP, be honest with him about how you're feeling and ask him to support you in contacting your HV, you and he need to do this as a team.

Your baby needs you fit and well and happy, not knotted up with anxiety and miserable. Do it for her Flowers

Zanatdy · 09/02/2023 04:46

Have a chat with your GP or health visitor. It is normal though, I remember when I had my eldest son (and I was only 16 back then when I started motherhood) I was staring at him in the incubator having treatment for jaundice and this overwhelming urge came over me that I’ve got to protect him. I became obsessed with protecting him from SIDS and couldn’t sleep at night as i’d lie there listening out for him breathing. It is a natural urge to protect, but if it’s impacting on relationships around you id have a chat with the health visitor in the first instance.

Flashingtealights · 09/02/2023 06:38

I sympathise, I had a very traumatic birth and it took me a while to get over it , I was the same worried about the most random things.. It’s great that Dad wants to play a big part in baby’s life, and it’s good that you can see that constantly being made to feel like he’s not doing it right, or taking baby off him when baby is upset would make him feel like he can’t participate in a way that he would hope, and it’s really good that you are thinking of ways that you can address that. I think you really need to consider the possibility of PND, that was my very first thought upon reading your op.My advice would be to chat honestly with your HV or your Gp, tell them all of what you have told us, and see what they suggest.
Meanwhile, when Dad comes home from work and wants a cuddle, try to make sure baby is fed and is dry, (all things that might cause baby to cry) , if baby does cry leave it a minute before going in to check everything’s ok . If you think baby might be hungry you can ask ‘ shall I try a feed’ rather than just taking her. Babies are very good at picking up on stress, if she senses you are very agitated/ stressed she will likely pick up on it. Honest , babies are hard work, you sound like you are trying your best and it’s lovely to see that Dad is so keen to be such a big part of this time , which goes so fast . Go have that chat and hopefully they will be able to give you the advice/help that you need . Good luck

Original poster
NaatQ968 · 09/02/2023 10:41

Thank you all for your wonderful kind messages. I barely slept lastnight just worrying.,, my partner moved up to Scotland to be with me and I just feel like I'm letting him down in a sense. I have a health visitor app on the 22nd, should I wait for that? I have a new health visitor and this is the first I'll be meeting her, or should I head to the doctors?

Thank you all so so much.

OP posts:
ovenered · 09/02/2023 10:51

Why don't you give your HV a call today and see if she can see you sooner or point you in the right direction over the phone. Failing that I think you should speak to your GP, yes. They are there to help and PND is so common. You are doing the right thing for yourself and your daughter by seeking help and they will see that.

Original poster
NaatQ968 · 09/02/2023 17:21

I have called my HV today who said that they don't deal with PND anymore, that it's a mental health nurse (which doesn't fill me with hope)

OP posts:
HappyintheHills · 09/02/2023 17:30

Well done, they are the nurses with the expertise so are well placed to help you.

Irrelevantdata · 09/02/2023 22:36

Did the HV give you contact details for the nurse or do you have to go through your GP? Please don't give up, if it's a CPN (community psychiatric nurse) you need to see they're usually really good and will be best placed to help. The HV was only ever going to be the first port of call, you would always have needed input from the GP/MH nurse but HV's used to refer directly, sorry it was a wasted call but don't let it put you off Flowers

Dery · 09/02/2023 22:37

Agree with PP - this is a form of PND. I had something very similar. It passed in time. I think it’s way more common than people think. And becoming a parent is such a huge thing - suddenly you’re caring for this tiny little scrap of humanity. But your baby’s much tougher than you think and needs a lot of loving adults in her life - so let her have them. I found Vicki Iovine - Surviving the First Year of Parenthood (or something similar - the book’s been republished a few times over the years with slightly varying names) really good on this. She’s also witty, wise and very reassuring.