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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Heartless Husband

43 replies

Trippytime · 08/02/2023 23:00

I think I'm going to have to leave my husband. He's always been very practical and task orientated, but showed more feeling and affection pre-children.

For the last 4 years he's lost interest in sex, never says he loves me, spends time with me sat on his phone but never quality time, sleeps in a different room to me, gets tense of any difference of opinion and sometimes seems predantic and disagrees with me for the sake of it.

I'm rarely a priority. He doesn't go out a lot but only seems happy and excited when he's going out to do his hobby or with his friends, he seems reluctant to make any effort for me at all.

I've been speaking to him about this for 4 weeks since moving to my mothers with the children temporarily to make a point that this life, this relationship is not acceptable to me anymore. We've had further talks today and he's said:

"I'm content- you're the one who's unhappy. Why do I need to change the way I am?"
" saying 'I love you' is just words, I don't need to say it and anyway, we bicker a lot so I don't feel like saying it."
"All couples have less sex after kids."
"All couples have barely any time together."
" I see you every night for an hour before bed. I'd say we see each other a lot already. Most couples ignore each other after a hard day."

I'm feeling really hurt.
There was no understanding whatsoever and absolutely no resolve.

We tried relationship counselling a year ago, but he was much the same there. The counsellor even suggested that he had difficulty understanding human needs and emotions and questioned whether he had childhood trauma or even high functioning autism (but he's very intelligent).

I feel emotionally drained and don't have the energy to begin exploring divorce,but I don't see another way forward? He seems to have become even more stubborn and obstinate about not putting any effort into our marriage since I left. It seems I need to look at making this separation permanent, because me leaving hasn't made a jot of difference, it's just made him worse.

I'm shocked at his coldness. He's a hands on father (practically) but emotionally, he just seems vacant and disinterested. This isn't the man I married.

OP posts:
Youpillock · 08/02/2023 23:11

I'm a big believer in trying everything you can to make your relationship work but then, if there's no effort on their part to change, stopping any further discussions on the matter and making your own decision whether to stay or go. There comes a point where trying, discussions, etc is futile and it seems you've reached this point. Any continued efforts on your behalf will screw up your self-esteem further down the line. You have a fundamental difference of opinion on what a relationship should look like. It hurts like fuck and I'm so sorry that you're in this position but it seems like you're at the point where you cut your losses.

sianiboo · 08/02/2023 23:44

All his words could be summed up as "I don't love you, I don't like you, I don't want to spend time with you...but you'll do as a cook and for raising our children, so put up with it as I'm not going to change or do anything differently going forward".

Did he actually want children? As a childfree (by choice) woman of 54, I find it amazing (and sad) how many times I read threads on Mumsnet from women saying 'he was okay until we had children'. I honestly think most men think their lives shouldn't change one iota after children and/or a lot don't really want them in the first place.

Anyway. Set your children an important example of how relationships should be by ending yours. They need to know that it isn't the way it should be.

Hoplesscynic · 09/02/2023 00:08

I wouldn't call him heartless OP, more like "checked out". At least he's being honest about his feelings. He is happy with the current set up (or at least ok about it) and you're not, so of course you have every right to end it.

Zerrin13 · 09/02/2023 00:23

I think what he is saying is this is the way it is. He is happy with it for now. Like it or lump it.

Ofcourseshecan · 09/02/2023 00:34

Most couples ignore each other after a hard day - Not true, OP. He sounds horrible. Maybe he’s depressed, but he doesn’t have the right to drag youdown like that. I hope you find a better life without him.

hailer · 09/02/2023 00:56

If it's considered potentially high functioning autism, then he's not awful he's just him. He can only feel what he feels. Everyone is different whatever but you can't force feelings.

LoekMa · 09/02/2023 03:27

As a childfree (by choice) woman of 54, I find it amazing (and sad) how many times I read threads on Mumsnet from women saying 'he was okay until we had children'. I honestly think most men think their lives shouldn't change one iota after children and/or a lot don't really want them in the first place.

could not agree more. Having chosen the CF route for myself at a young age as well, its actually crazy to realize how many men don't want kids 🤔

journeyofinsanity · 09/02/2023 03:36

He may be high functioning autistic. 'But highly intelligent' is a. Unnecessary statement. There is nothing suggesting that a high functioning person would not be intelligent. Or not.
He has made it clear that as he is content he doesn't plan to change. This in itself is concerning as it shows that YOUR happiness is of no interest to him.
It's run it's course.

AgentJohnson · 09/02/2023 03:55

Op, men checking out of relationships once children are in the mix is not a new phenomenon. He was always like this, it took having children with him to really expose him. Don’t look back, look forward to a life that isn’t being weighed down by this poor excuse for a partner.

Slightly off topic but when I got pregnant I was ambivalent about children but knew I could do it on my own if I had to, if I didn’t think that I wouldn’t have continued the pregnancy. Society has very low expectations of men as fathers and that affords them the luxury of not being responsible for ’having’ kids. They can check out and walk away without a backwards glance because society says that ultimately, children are a woman’s responsibility. The few men who are genuinely prevented from taking an active and fair part in their children's lives are scuppered by a system that their fellow men have conspired to create.

WeDoNotTalktoPennilynLott · 09/02/2023 03:56

or even high functioning autism (but he's very intelligent)

That's really quite insulting. My DS is autistic and is the most intelligent person I've ever known, he's like a walking encyclopaedia.

Ladybug14 · 09/02/2023 04:20

WeDoNotTalktoPennilynLott · 09/02/2023 03:56

or even high functioning autism (but he's very intelligent)

That's really quite insulting. My DS is autistic and is the most intelligent person I've ever known, he's like a walking encyclopaedia.

I wanted to pick up on this too. Autism does NOT mean lack of intelligence. Every autistic person I know is highly intelligent

If your DH is autistic then this is who he is

The relationship isn't working for you despite effort

End it

Zanatdy · 09/02/2023 04:41

He could well be on the spectrum. But then you seem to suggest that he wasn’t always like this. He’s telling you he won’t change, listen. Do not go back as he’s made it very clear he won’t be changing anything or putting in any effort to make things better, despite knowing you’re not happy. Do you want to go back to that? I certainly wouldn’t. I’d look into a permanent separation. You don’t need to seek divorce at this point.

GrumpyPanda · 09/02/2023 05:28

Get rid.

isthistheendtakeabreath · 09/02/2023 05:38

I went through similar with my ex last year. We are now divorcing

I'm one of those women who said we had a great marriage until we had children. And we absolutely did. He said he wanted kids, we went through a lot to have them but turns out the reality of having them was something he couldn't cope with

You deserve so much more

Isthisexpected · 09/02/2023 05:40

If he wasn't like this pre kids then I'd say the reality of it all just hasn't met his expectations so he's checked out. It doesn't matter why any more, just can you live with him like this as he doesn't want to change (even if he could)?

TiaI · 09/02/2023 06:03

The term High functioning autism often describes someone who is intelligent and able to function in the world to a good degree (hold down a job and so on). Autism itself is considered a triad of impairments - in other words an individual blend of challenges relating to social communication, social interaction, social imagination. Just as everyone us unique, autism presents differently in different people.

Armless32 · 09/02/2023 06:16

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Prouddoggieparent · 09/02/2023 06:35

I would think being in a relationship you are very much concerned with how your partner feels, not just yourself.
if he wants to recover this he could try. Things like date nights, child free etc. However he needs to have some desire to make this happen otherwise you could be end up loving a sad and lonely life.

Everyone deserves love. Good luck

Naunet · 09/02/2023 06:51

I’m not sure why people are running with the autism narrative when he’s not been diagnosed. A therapist cannot diagnose autism, and seeing as he didn’t use to be this way, it’s pretty unlikely to be the reason anyway.

Id leave OP, he’s made it clear he won’t make any effort, he doesn’t value you, don’t sacrifice your happiness for him.

beautifulpaintings · 09/02/2023 07:04

hailer · 09/02/2023 00:56

If it's considered potentially high functioning autism, then he's not awful he's just him. He can only feel what he feels. Everyone is different whatever but you can't force feelings.

Agreed....the simple answer is that you are two very different people and his needs for affection seem to be nil. That might be ok for him but certainly not for you and it'll never change. You've done everything right leaving for a few weeks, and seeing that literally nothing will be different, so divorce seems ultimately an inevitability. You do deserve a lot more than this.

beautifulpaintings · 09/02/2023 07:06

WeDoNotTalktoPennilynLott · 09/02/2023 03:56

or even high functioning autism (but he's very intelligent)

That's really quite insulting. My DS is autistic and is the most intelligent person I've ever known, he's like a walking encyclopaedia.

There's a high correlation between autism and intelligence.

Original poster
Trippytime · 09/02/2023 07:17

Apologies for the "(but he is highly intelligent)" line. I was typing through tears last night, it genuinely ought to have been "as he is highly intelligent."

Yes I'm aware with autism that it means it's just him, the way he is and that he doesn't value the same things I do and that it probably makes us incompatible.

I'm so hurt because it feels like he was masking until the children were born. I agree with posters that the reality of children hasn't matched his expectations. He also told me that he's sees me and the children as a unit and he doesn't see that he needs to make a separate effort with me 🥺 aside from the children.

OP posts:
Bansheed · 09/02/2023 07:22

He's a selfish dickhead. Divorce and say you want 50/50 child residency.

That would make him realise what his lack of effort has cost him

NoDatingForOldMen · 09/02/2023 07:35

Bansheed · 09/02/2023 07:22

He's a selfish dickhead. Divorce and say you want 50/50 child residency.

That would make him realise what his lack of effort has cost him

Judging by what the OP has said, that would probably suit him better

Original poster
Trippytime · 09/02/2023 07:37

To add, the counsellor was not making any sort of autism diagnosis, it was merely a suggestion for DH to explore as he really struggled to understand feelings during our sessions.

The counsellor in question is also an ed psych who writes up reports for the autism assessment team, so she seemed to me very much qualified to make the suggestion she made. I am glad she made it because it altered my perspective that he was being nasty towards me to considering that perhaps he couldn't help the perceptions he was having.

OP posts:
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