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Original poster

Heartless Husband

43 replies

Trippytime · 08/02/2023 23:00

I think I'm going to have to leave my husband. He's always been very practical and task orientated, but showed more feeling and affection pre-children.

For the last 4 years he's lost interest in sex, never says he loves me, spends time with me sat on his phone but never quality time, sleeps in a different room to me, gets tense of any difference of opinion and sometimes seems predantic and disagrees with me for the sake of it.

I'm rarely a priority. He doesn't go out a lot but only seems happy and excited when he's going out to do his hobby or with his friends, he seems reluctant to make any effort for me at all.

I've been speaking to him about this for 4 weeks since moving to my mothers with the children temporarily to make a point that this life, this relationship is not acceptable to me anymore. We've had further talks today and he's said:

"I'm content- you're the one who's unhappy. Why do I need to change the way I am?"
" saying 'I love you' is just words, I don't need to say it and anyway, we bicker a lot so I don't feel like saying it."
"All couples have less sex after kids."
"All couples have barely any time together."
" I see you every night for an hour before bed. I'd say we see each other a lot already. Most couples ignore each other after a hard day."

I'm feeling really hurt.
There was no understanding whatsoever and absolutely no resolve.

We tried relationship counselling a year ago, but he was much the same there. The counsellor even suggested that he had difficulty understanding human needs and emotions and questioned whether he had childhood trauma or even high functioning autism (but he's very intelligent).

I feel emotionally drained and don't have the energy to begin exploring divorce,but I don't see another way forward? He seems to have become even more stubborn and obstinate about not putting any effort into our marriage since I left. It seems I need to look at making this separation permanent, because me leaving hasn't made a jot of difference, it's just made him worse.

I'm shocked at his coldness. He's a hands on father (practically) but emotionally, he just seems vacant and disinterested. This isn't the man I married.

OP posts:
BadNomad · 09/02/2023 07:41

Autistic or not, the way he is, isn't working for you. That is what you need to focus on. If your needs are not being met, you have every right to address it and walk away if things can't or won't change.

JessicaFletcherscrewnecksweater · 09/02/2023 07:50

He is not interested in, nor does he see any value in you or your needs.

Seeing you as a homogenous lump with the children that requires no special effort is extremely depressing.

This selfish man will never give you what you want and need.

AlienSupaStar · 09/02/2023 07:57

“"I'm content- you're the one who's unhappy. Why do I need to change the way I am?"
" saying 'I love you' is just words, I don't need to say it and anyway, we bicker a lot so I don't feel like saying it."
"All couples have less sex after kids."
"All couples have barely any time together."
" I see you every night for an hour before bed. I'd say we see each other a lot already. Most couples ignore each other after a hard day."

NO NO NO. Big no. You deserve and can get better than this:

Original poster
Trippytime · 09/02/2023 08:03

BadNomad · 09/02/2023 07:41

Autistic or not, the way he is, isn't working for you. That is what you need to focus on. If your needs are not being met, you have every right to address it and walk away if things can't or won't change.

Agreed.

OP posts:
SwordToFlamethrower · 09/02/2023 08:55

Well he is a big fat liar isn't he. My husband and I are the polar opposite to the picture tour husband paints.

What a miserable waste if space. You and your children deserve better. I'm proud of you for taking this action.

No woman wants a man like that.

SwordToFlamethrower · 09/02/2023 09:01

Why do people always leap to diagnose autism when someone behaves terribly, like some kind of get of jail pass?

Maybe the guy is just a waste of space, heartless nob like OP suggests.

VictoriaBun · 09/02/2023 09:11

Sounds like it's time to get practical.
If you own your house , can you sell and both buy something that can accommodate your children ? Will he want 50/50 custody ?
Time for a sit down and a talk about next steps.

MrLbz · 09/02/2023 09:21

Forget the autism diagnosing, the facts are "I don't love you, I don't like you, I don't want to spend time with you..."

You know what to do, take at least half of everything and get out.

HoodieBell · 09/02/2023 09:27

I'm autistic and how he is behaving is not ok. He sounds like the sort of person who would use his autism as a reason not to change, he's selfish, he's happy so couldn't care less whether you are. He has already told you he is unwilling to change, leave him to it. I suspect that he has childhood trauma and autism, quite common as autistic adults have autistic children and continue the cycle. Don't help him in that, don't let the selfish prick ruin your children's childhood too

And autistic people are a massive spectrum of intelligence, high functioning used to refer to the ability to mask the autism, not their iq. Not all hf autistic people are clever or good at maths! Most are average but with a very good memory for facts.

blondieblonde · 09/02/2023 09:45

Trippytime · 09/02/2023 07:17

Apologies for the "(but he is highly intelligent)" line. I was typing through tears last night, it genuinely ought to have been "as he is highly intelligent."

Yes I'm aware with autism that it means it's just him, the way he is and that he doesn't value the same things I do and that it probably makes us incompatible.

I'm so hurt because it feels like he was masking until the children were born. I agree with posters that the reality of children hasn't matched his expectations. He also told me that he's sees me and the children as a unit and he doesn't see that he needs to make a separate effort with me 🥺 aside from the children.

My ex said this. I felt like you (but he was abusive too so it was clearer cut). If you leave, brace yourself. My ex has basically vanished from our lives, which will be ok in the long run but was a big shock.

Original poster
Trippytime · 09/02/2023 10:05

HoodieBell · 09/02/2023 09:27

I'm autistic and how he is behaving is not ok. He sounds like the sort of person who would use his autism as a reason not to change, he's selfish, he's happy so couldn't care less whether you are. He has already told you he is unwilling to change, leave him to it. I suspect that he has childhood trauma and autism, quite common as autistic adults have autistic children and continue the cycle. Don't help him in that, don't let the selfish prick ruin your children's childhood too

And autistic people are a massive spectrum of intelligence, high functioning used to refer to the ability to mask the autism, not their iq. Not all hf autistic people are clever or good at maths! Most are average but with a very good memory for facts.

Thanks @HoodieBell for your honest post. I agree with you that we can't just excuse his crappy behaviour with autism. There is a level of him making choices here that have nothing to do with potential autism.

Yes, his parents, I believe, are on the spectrum also. He has no recollection of his childhood which leads me to believe there is past trauma.

His masking is excellent.
Although some of my friends now see through it, particularly my family. Some of his work colleagues have seen through it (they used to be my work colleagues also) but most still think he's someone he just isn't.

OP posts:
EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 09/02/2023 11:22

The suggestion of autism is really irrelevant here - he made it clear he has no interest in exploring this possibility and he sees nothing wrong or abnormal in his behaviour towards you.

I was going to ask how his parents are with each other. It sounds to me like he has grown up in a loveless household and to him this façade of a relationship may feel totally normal. Please don't let your own children grow up thinking this is what a loving marriage should be like.

Mabelface · 09/02/2023 11:42

Someone who's autistic can also be an arsehole. Same as someone who's neurotypical. Autism isn't a get out clause for an arsehole. You're with an arsehole who's unwilling to change anything because it's how he likes it. It's as simple as that.

mamnotmum · 09/02/2023 13:59

Working backwards here - did he ever sleep in the same room? And if so why did it change?

I'm asking because often that's the point where people acknowledge something isn't right. Unless it is for a practical reason - snoring, different shift patterns etc.

roarfeckingroarr · 09/02/2023 14:14

I'm in the same soul destroying position.

Original poster
Trippytime · 09/02/2023 15:09

mamnotmum · 09/02/2023 13:59

Working backwards here - did he ever sleep in the same room? And if so why did it change?

I'm asking because often that's the point where people acknowledge something isn't right. Unless it is for a practical reason - snoring, different shift patterns etc.

It changed @mamnotmum when we had our second child so that he could get a full night's sleep and get up with our eldest without myself and the baby being disrupted. It just happens that he never returned. On occasions he came to bed with me after the baby left my room, if we had got along that day but we both got used to having our own space and he would leave in the night. He also had bad sleeping habits and would wake me up messing around on his phone in the middle of the night. That's the luxury you can enjoy when you're not the one waking with young children I guess!

OP posts:
Isthisexpected · 09/02/2023 20:10

There's a high correlation between autism and intelligence.

^ over a third of people with ASD also have a learning disability that means low IQ. It isn't a high functioning presentation for everyone by any means. Not relevant to OP though.

smileladiesplease · 09/02/2023 20:17

I think he's saying loud and clear that he's not interested op or he would be fighting for you.

He's not! You deserve better. Seperate snd co parent

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