Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How Can I Get DH To Bloody Listen?

46 replies

SunshineLollipopsAndRainbows · 08/02/2023 20:35

God I get SO frustrated! I told him just now when he was about to make an omelette that the older eggs were on the left in the fridge door & the newer ones to the right. Literally seconds afterwards he’s choosing the eggs on the right! Yet he gave every indication of having heard me & responded. When I pointed it out & said how frustrating it was, he immediately turns it onto me & how I forget stuff - well yes I do but not immediately after he’s told me! He does that every time which makes me even more frustrated! I asked him where his head’s at when I tell him stuff & he said he was doing something else when I was speaking to him but he wasn’t! We often end up really mad with each other about this. He asked me to next time leave the old eggs in the door & the new ones in the box. That’s fair enough but doesn’t solve all the other times. He does it with DD14 too, literally saying what she’s just said to him as if she hasn’t spoken! Can anyone identify? And how can I ensure he has heard & taken in what I’m telling him?

OP posts:
Original poster
SunshineLollipopsAndRainbows · 08/02/2023 20:36

P .S I’m aware it’s not the end of the world about the eggs. It’s just that it happens so often.

OP posts:
fivepies · 08/02/2023 20:39

I could have written this post. I've concluded that DH just hears white noise when I speak. It is so bloody frustrating. It's got to the point where he'll answer me, appearing to have understood then argue black is white, gaslighting me saying I didn't say what I KNOW I said. Guuurgghhhh, it's making me angry just thinking about it!!

FenghuangHoyan · 08/02/2023 20:39

Get him a book on mindfulness... Even better, both of you do it together. It teaches you to focus.

That or use loads of post it notes.

Notjusta · 08/02/2023 20:49

Ugh I hear you OP. I am sure it isn't really, but if feels so disrespectful and like they just don't give a shit about what you have to say. It feels to me like my DH's brain must say "this won't be important, no need to listen" as soon as I start to speak.

Original poster
SunshineLollipopsAndRainbows · 08/02/2023 21:02

Anyone out there?

OP posts:
Original poster
SunshineLollipopsAndRainbows · 08/02/2023 21:03

Sorry just seen the posts!

OP posts:
Original poster
SunshineLollipopsAndRainbows · 08/02/2023 21:05

FenghuangHoyan DH did actually suggest I put a note on the fridge!

OP posts:
EVHead · 08/02/2023 21:06

Don’t the eggs have a date stamp on them? It’s up to him to work out which ones to use. Leave him to it.

Original poster
SunshineLollipopsAndRainbows · 08/02/2023 21:09

notjusta exactly - it does feel disrespectful!

OP posts:
AlisonDonut · 08/02/2023 21:09

Perhaps he wanted the new ones?

I put the new box under the older box/packet/bag of anything as I'm keen on stock control.

deeperthanallroses · 08/02/2023 21:09

Try telling him I’m just heading out for the night , not sure if i’m staying over or not so you’ll have to do the school run in the morning. See if he hears that!

TakeYourHatOffBoy · 08/02/2023 21:10

Yep. I have to constantly repeat myself when I'm talking to dh. Pretty much every time I say something, he says 'what?' and I have to say it again. Even happens when he's asked me a question; he just doesn't actually bother listening for the answer. It is indeed as if I'm just white noise.

I've started just ignoring him when he does it. Weirdly, it'll often then become clear that he did hear me after all. It drives me insane.

category12 · 08/02/2023 21:11

What's the rest of the relationship like? Do you feel heard in more important ways?

Or is he a bit of misogynistic git?

Original poster
SunshineLollipopsAndRainbows · 08/02/2023 21:13

And to top it all, the argument is about him but he ends up saying “ I’ve had enough of you today”! Charming! We ate tea separately too.

OP posts:
GoodChat · 08/02/2023 21:16

Buy one of these for the eggs Help me decide on this product: Toplife Spiral Design Stainless Steel Egg Skelter Dispenser Rack,Storage Display Rack Silver amzn.eu/d/jjqh8xz

Original poster
SunshineLollipopsAndRainbows · 08/02/2023 21:23

category12 he’s not a woman hater. Not the most emotionally mature I guess. “Well YOU did so & so”. He gets so defensive! But yes, I do feel heard about the big stuff. It’s usually smaller things that he doesn’t seem to be focused on. Still incredibly frustrating though!

OP posts:
howmanybicycles · 08/02/2023 21:24

I suspect he does not process verbal information very well. Written labels are likely to be more helpful for issues like the eggs and if you solve those you may have more tolerance for the other issues.

mummabubs · 08/02/2023 21:27

I feel your pain. I actually end up crying about this quite a bit as (sadly no exaggeration) my DH will ask me Qs I've already answered maybe 10+ times a day. Like your DH if I try and explain how lonely and upsetting it can feel to constantly not be listened to he gets really defensive about it.

I used to think it was his phone that was to blame- and the fact he spends his life glued to this definitely doesn't help, but it happens when he's supposedly heard me and responded too (like your DH!) Even today - I dismantled some blinds from my parents house and drove them the 100 miles to our house, DH took one look at them and asked me why on earth I had those as they were horrible... I'd literally shown him them last time we were there and said as my parents wanted rid of them we could use them for our study, to which he'd said yes. Then at home I'd even asked him where would be best to install the brackets for them. Yet now he denies having any clue about them 🤷🏻‍♀️ I wish I had the answer for you OP!

TakeYourHatOffBoy · 08/02/2023 21:27

Oh please. Post-it notes or labels? How about he just bloody well listens?!

I bet his colleagues at work don't have to put labels.on things for him...

KangarooKenny · 08/02/2023 21:27

Twice now DH has said we don’t have a certain food in the cupboard, and Ive gone straight to the cupboard and pulled it out. So frustrating. I think they just don’t care.

Dacadactyl · 08/02/2023 21:29

I can't imagine getting worked up over eggs but if he's like it about important stuff too, then maybe the eggs are the straw that broke the camels back.

In his defence, if my husband was on my case about minutiae like eggs, id sound him out too. Do you often go on about stuff like this to him?

Arewethebadguys · 08/02/2023 21:33

This! Same fecking issue! I'm a teacher and if he was a child in my class I'd be asking for a range of assessments to rule out some kind of processing disorder.

It's infuriating when you've had a full back and forth conversation that he doesn't remember and denies even happened. Not purposeful gaslighting but frustrating nonetheless.

No answer, just solidarity. Don't even get me started on when he comes into the house with really exciting news that I've already bloody told him the day/week/month before!

lovetosup · 08/02/2023 21:38

I have the same! I told dh last thing at night 'don't wake the kids up tomorrow as the strike is on so they can start a bit later' He says yes ok. Next morning first thing he does is wake them up grrrr! This happens a lot

BlindBat · 08/02/2023 21:39

Yes, yes and yes again. It's seriously annoying. I thought it was just me so this thread is giving me validation for my levels of frustration 😤

rwalker · 08/02/2023 21:42

If your hoovering about micro managing all time probably does tune out