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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How Can I Get DH To Bloody Listen?

46 replies

SunshineLollipopsAndRainbows · 08/02/2023 20:35

God I get SO frustrated! I told him just now when he was about to make an omelette that the older eggs were on the left in the fridge door & the newer ones to the right. Literally seconds afterwards he’s choosing the eggs on the right! Yet he gave every indication of having heard me & responded. When I pointed it out & said how frustrating it was, he immediately turns it onto me & how I forget stuff - well yes I do but not immediately after he’s told me! He does that every time which makes me even more frustrated! I asked him where his head’s at when I tell him stuff & he said he was doing something else when I was speaking to him but he wasn’t! We often end up really mad with each other about this. He asked me to next time leave the old eggs in the door & the new ones in the box. That’s fair enough but doesn’t solve all the other times. He does it with DD14 too, literally saying what she’s just said to him as if she hasn’t spoken! Can anyone identify? And how can I ensure he has heard & taken in what I’m telling him?

OP posts:

BeExcellent2EachOther · 08/02/2023 21:46

What a surprise, another thread about a man who can't manage basic home economics &/or lying that they didn't hear/didn't know/couldn't possibly be expected to understand such trivialities 🙄

Seriously, when did men get so shit? It's a wonder with natural selection there's any of them left at all!

Whatifitallgoesright · 08/02/2023 21:47

When you're telling him something and you sense he's not listening drop the word blow-job randomly into the sentence. That seems to get their attention focused. EG. "Can you make sure you use up the open ham blowjob first...."

UWhatNow · 08/02/2023 21:47

Do you talk ‘at’ him a lot?

My DH does this to me - he verbally downloads his thoughts about his day/the car/work/the boiler etc etc which is quite often very boring and I switch off. He gets hurt that I ‘don’t listen’ but I have to ignore him for the sake of my own mental space and preservation.

I’ve actually started saying to him now ‘it’s ok to keep talking but you know I’m not actually listening to you now aren’t you?’

Zipadeebooyah · 08/02/2023 21:49

SunshineLollipopsAndRainbows · 08/02/2023 21:23

category12 he’s not a woman hater. Not the most emotionally mature I guess. “Well YOU did so & so”. He gets so defensive! But yes, I do feel heard about the big stuff. It’s usually smaller things that he doesn’t seem to be focused on. Still incredibly frustrating though!

Maybe you need to leave him alone and stop pestering him over insignificant things.

If my husband was nipping at me over which eggs to use I'd tell him to fuck off and stop being so patronising.

If he listens and is supportive about the things that matter then leave the poor fucker alone about everything else. I can't imagine being this tense over some eggs.

Original poster

SunshineLollipopsAndRainbows · 08/02/2023 21:52

zipadeebooyah it really isn’t about the eggs! Well it was a bit but it’s all the bloody times that it’s happened before.

OP posts:

Zipadeebooyah · 08/02/2023 21:57

SunshineLollipopsAndRainbows · 08/02/2023 21:52

zipadeebooyah it really isn’t about the eggs! Well it was a bit but it’s all the bloody times that it’s happened before.

Think about all the other times. Was it basically another version of the egg story?

Would you like him to be constantly nipping and commenting on whatever you're doing?

Original poster

SunshineLollipopsAndRainbows · 08/02/2023 22:16

zipadeebooyah a lot of times it’s not me nipping & commenting - it’s me telling DH something, him totally reacting like he’s heard, then him apparently having no knowledge of what I said sometimes seconds ago!

OP posts:

Zipadeebooyah · 08/02/2023 22:25

SunshineLollipopsAndRainbows · 08/02/2023 22:16

If what you are "telling" him is stuff like which eggs are where in the fridge, I'd be nodding and tuning you out too.

He's a grown ass man. Stop telling him irrelevant things. He can navigate a fridge without your help.

Give it a try for a few weeks and see if things improve between you both.

mathanxiety · 08/02/2023 22:39

What kind of small stuff are you talking about here?

The egg thing sounds a little like micromanagement on your part, tbf. Were both sets of eggs safe to eat?
Did it matter a lot or a little which batch he chose from?

I once read a book for a book club I was in, called Don't Sweat the Small Stuff in Love. It actually made me realise that none of the shit I was dealing with in my marriage was small stuff. But maybe buy the book if it's still in print and think about what's worth pulling him up for.

Original poster

SunshineLollipopsAndRainbows · 08/02/2023 22:45

I don’t mean telling him what to do. I mean telling him stuff, anything really.

OP posts:

CharlotteStreetW1 · 08/02/2023 22:45

If I had a pound for every time DH said to me "you never told me that" - the latest example being about a hospital appointment recently where I may have needed surgery - so not even just eggs!

frazzled101 · 08/02/2023 22:47

@TakeYourHatOffBoy absolutely the same in my house, drives me mental!!!!

LightSpeeds · 08/02/2023 22:52

deeperthanallroses · 08/02/2023 21:09

Try telling him I’m just heading out for the night , not sure if i’m staying over or not so you’ll have to do the school run in the morning. See if he hears that!

😂

mathanxiety · 08/02/2023 23:10

But what sort of things do you tell him?

If it's instructions for things that don't really matter if he gets it 'wrong' then why tell him?

Would you like to be on the receiving end of information or instructions you can figure out for yourself?

Iudncuewbccgrcb · 09/02/2023 07:37

I have the exact same issue and its the single biggest cause of arguments as I find it so disrespectful. I'm not a particularly chatty person so if I'm saying something it's not usually anything inane.

Besides the point but why on earth are the eggs in the fridge anyway?

Rieslinger · 09/02/2023 11:49

@SunshineLollipopsAndRainbows ADHD?

My DW, SS and SD all have it to varying degrees and in the beginning it was very frustrating but once my SS and SD were diagnosed and my DW I came to realise it's not intentional or personal and let it go.

TBF I do plenty of things that frustrate my family so for me it's kinda fair do's.

mattyd · 09/02/2023 12:26

I stopped keeping eggs in the fridge, but they seemed to go stale quicker, so I conducted various experiments over several months. They're back in the fridge now in an airtight egg container with the oldest end marked with a Sharpie.

Original poster

SunshineLollipopsAndRainbows · 09/02/2023 14:32

Rieslinger diagnosed with what?

OP posts:

Rieslinger · 09/02/2023 14:49

ADHD

MistyRock · 09/02/2023 15:22

I know exactly where you're coming from. I don't get listened to either. In fact I often get shut down before I've even finished talking. Why some posters are banging on about the eggs. That isn't the point, the point is you weren't listened too. At this moment in my life I just feel like a glorified cook and cleaner. So long as the cupboards are full, the food is cooked and the house is clean no one actually gives a shit about my presence, let alone anything I've got to say.

bussteward · 09/02/2023 15:30

DP is like this and has ADHD. But it’s not any less annoying for knowing the reason. We’re both on parental leave at the moment and I said to him I was going for a shower, please listen out for the baby squawking in his Moses basket. Emerged from my shower to baby howling – he NEVER howls! – and DP nowhere to be found. As a pp said I think he just hears white noise when I talk.

He’ll ignore his own words too though: offering a cup of tea that never materialises, telling me a plan for dinner then later asking what we’re having.

Plus he says yes or OK or that’s a good idea, etc, as if he’s listening, but it’s just filler noise. Fuck knows where his brain is. It means I can’t tell whether he’s actually agreeing or acknowledging, or just making a noise while the information floats out the other ear.

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