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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Leaving my husband - what do I do now?

31 replies

Pink3489 · 08/02/2023 19:17

My husband is emotionally abusive. After 15 years together I have finally opened my eyes. We have a 3 month old baby (yes I know I am going to get an earful about having a baby with him but it's done now and she's perfect so I'm glad it happened). What do I do now? I have no money to my name. Do I call the council for a house? I have no family or friends and have no idea what to do? Please help me.

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 08/02/2023 19:21

Do you own your house or is it rented. If rented is it private or Council. I don't think it's as easy as calling the council and asking them for a house. Have you got a job to go back to. Maybe first step is to get legal advice. I wouldn't move out in your position.,

Original poster
Pink3489 · 08/02/2023 19:24

We own the house outright but it's in my husbands name. Even though he earns twice as much as me it seems to be me that pays for everything. I am in debt but he has 70,000 in the bank Yes I should have a job to go back to.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pink3489 · 08/02/2023 19:34

Should I go to a women's refuge or is that taking the piss because its emotional abuse not physical?

OP posts:
user1188 · 08/02/2023 19:36

I'm sorry you're going through this op.

I just wanted to make you aware though that you cannot just call for a council house. That's not how it works. It takes sometimes years to get a council house and you are placed in different bands depending on your priority. Unfortunately although you are in a difficult situation, you would be no where near the top in terms of urgency.

amiold · 08/02/2023 19:37

Pink3489 · 08/02/2023 19:24

We own the house outright but it's in my husbands name. Even though he earns twice as much as me it seems to be me that pays for everything. I am in debt but he has 70,000 in the bank Yes I should have a job to go back to.

Sorry ? What?

Why are you paying for everything and why is house in his name 👀 can you prove you contributed. You're married so have some rights. Also you'll be entitled to about £700 a month child maintenance (assuming you won't leave her overnight yet.

user1188 · 08/02/2023 19:38

Pink3489 · 08/02/2023 19:34

Should I go to a women's refuge or is that taking the piss because its emotional abuse not physical?

Sorry I missed the emotionally abusive part for some reason.

If you are absolutely desperate to get out then yes absolutely look into a woman's refuge. That would absolutely help in terms of housing. You could be in there for a long time before you get housed but it can help bump you up the queue.

Woman's aid are great.

category12 · 08/02/2023 19:38

If you're married, you have a claim on the house and any marital assets whether they're in his name or not.

It sounds like he has been financially abusing you as well as emotionally abusing you. If your debts have been created by paying for things that benefit him as well, they can be taken into account during the financial settlements in a divorce. That would mean if you've paid bills or household things that sort of thing, it may be that the division of assets will include clearing them.

Your first port of call, really, is a solicitor on the quiet, to get an understanding of the financial and legal position. Look for one who is experienced in domestic abuse cases and tell them about your situation.

Also speak to Women's Aid or local domestic abuse services It may be that you can go into a refuge and sort all this out from there. Emotional abuse is domestic abuse, you do not have to be physically beaten for it to count.

I'm not sure the council would be able to house you when by rights you have a claim on the family home, but you need to speak to the experts about that.

boysmum23 · 08/02/2023 19:39

It's deffo not taking the piss, makes me sad that you'd ever think that! I'd ring the council and the refuge in the morning to get some advise.

Viviennemary · 08/02/2023 19:39

Then you need to sit tight in the house for the time being i think. If you are married you have quite a lot of protection as regards savings, house and rights to a share of his pension.

Solicitors are expensive but see if you can get the half hour's free advice if they still do it and see what your options are. Or you could try Citizens Advice. That sounds bad if you pay for everything and are in debt and he has £70k savings.

Original poster
Pink3489 · 08/02/2023 19:45

Thank you all for your advice. He has been called into work and will be due home soon so I am going to break the news to him then. I just can't cope being sad anymore. It feels like I am being bullied. I just wish I could go back in time and leave years ago. I don't want to look back in another x amount of years and wish I left now but didn't.

Yes the debt benefited him. It was for a new kitchen. I am on maternity leave but still am expected to pay for everything as usual. Just spent 400+ on heating oil which I am not even going to get the benefit of using now.

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category12 · 08/02/2023 19:48

Please don't break the news to him, until you have had legal advice and know your next steps.

If he's emotionally and financially abusive, he may escalate to violence when he sees he is losing control of you.

Get things in place, before you tell him anything.

Original poster
Pink3489 · 08/02/2023 19:51

I feel like such a failure. How did I get in this position? My poor daughter.

OP posts:
REignbow · 08/02/2023 19:52

Please please don’t tell him. Keep quiet, until you do the following:

Call WA for advice

get your ducks in a row and hide birth certificates, passports, get financial info.

personally, I would ask to be placed in a refuge. Put in a CMS claim and start divorce proceedings. If you are married then (and live in the England) you are entitled to some of the equity in the house and possibly savings as well.

category12 · 08/02/2023 19:54

Pensions too.

Original poster
Pink3489 · 08/02/2023 20:00

I won't say anything tonight. I think it will all kick off in the morning when I don't get up to make his breakfast and lunch at 6am (even though I am the one to get up and do nightfeeds). It makes it easier to spot the abuse when you right it down. If my daughter was in this position I would tell her to run. And keep running. I just want her to be happy. So I need to set an example.

Everyone thinks he is this nice guy but if he was that nice he wouldn't treat me the way he does.

OP posts:
category12 · 08/02/2023 20:05

If you feel unsafe at any time, please call the police.

REignbow · 08/02/2023 20:07

@Pink3489

Please be careful even doing this. The most dangerous time for women in abusive relationships is when they are leaving. It’s often when things can get physical.

IMO, act as you have so he doesn’t suspect anything. Once you have spoken to a solicitor/woman’s aid and hidden passports etc and have a plan in place, then l would do this.

You say you have no family and friends? What about a work colleague? Has he slowly isolated you away from everyone?

REignbow · 08/02/2023 20:09

So he’s a saint at work but a devil at home!

These men often are. They behave this way to manipulate you into thinking no one would ever believe you.

Remember coercive control is crime. As is financial control.

YukoandHiro · 08/02/2023 20:10

If you're married you own half of that house so you're not entitled to any council support I'm afraid. You need to seek legal advice

Original poster
Pink3489 · 08/02/2023 20:11

@REignbow yes he has isolated me from everyone. I confronted him about the fact I have no friends anymore because of him a few weeks ago and he didn't say anything back because he knows it's true. I have 1 friend at work but she thinks the light shines out of his arse like everyone does. Unfortunately we work at the same place (his idea). To be honest, as awful as it sounds, I would prefer him to hit me tonight as then I would have a reason to leave him without him manipulating me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pink3489 · 08/02/2023 20:14

@YukoandHiro thank you for confirming the situation on the council house. At least now I know I can rule that out. I just pray he let's me have a thousand pounds to start private renting somewhere because of our daughter.

OP posts:
FenghuangHoyan · 08/02/2023 20:15

category12 · 08/02/2023 19:48

Please don't break the news to him, until you have had legal advice and know your next steps.

If he's emotionally and financially abusive, he may escalate to violence when he sees he is losing control of you.

Get things in place, before you tell him anything.

This. Also get up in the morning and do what you usually do. When he's gone, then get on the phone to a solicitor. Get advice from then and then take the steps they advise.

You've been with him 15 years, so take your time to ensure you take him for as much as possible and don't rush things.

category12 · 08/02/2023 20:16

Pink3489 · 08/02/2023 20:11

@REignbow yes he has isolated me from everyone. I confronted him about the fact I have no friends anymore because of him a few weeks ago and he didn't say anything back because he knows it's true. I have 1 friend at work but she thinks the light shines out of his arse like everyone does. Unfortunately we work at the same place (his idea). To be honest, as awful as it sounds, I would prefer him to hit me tonight as then I would have a reason to leave him without him manipulating me.

Problem is, he might not stick to hitting you. Something like 2 women a week die at the hands of partners/ex-partners, and as pp has said when you're leaving is the most dangerous time.

Act normal, get legal advice and domestic abuse services support, and exit the relationship as safely as you can.

pigwood · 08/02/2023 20:16

You have more than enough reason to leave him already, without volunteering yourself as a punchbag! I'm pleased you are doing this as much to set an example for your baby . You sound like a great mom

Original poster
Pink3489 · 08/02/2023 20:18

He makes me feel like I am the abusive one but I know I am not. I give everything to him. I would have given him my last breath but now that I have my daughter something has changed in me. I would hate for her to be in my position.

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